Fat Bitch Feelings.

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Recently after realizing that most of the clothing for Summer that I’d thrifted last fall (yes that is how I shop) is too big, I had to have a big long talk with myself.

I had to tell myself that it is officially official I am not fat anymore.

I’m not fat anymore.

Fuck.

Let me rewind a little bit.

Fat Acceptance and the community has been a big part of my life in meatspace and on the internet for probably at least a decade. I have been deeply into body politics for at least 20 years. From my earliest forays into reading about/writing about bodily autonomy to early feminist readings on bodies. I am about the body. My body, your body, our bodies.

My most formative political fat activist writing started when I was invited to the original Fatshionista community on Livejournal a very long time ago. When the door of fat joy, fat solidarity, fat politics opened, y’all I ran all up in through that mother fucker.

Fat politics really was the thing that got me into working out how intersectionality factors into my work, my life, how I view things.

So my beliefs about bodies, how I live in my body, how I talk about bodies is rooted deeply in fatness. Fatness as a physical state, as a political marker, as a place of comfort and community for me and now, I’m not fat.

My body, this thing I live in and move around the world in has changed without my consent and has set itself outside of my framework.

I am feeling fucked up about it.

I talked about this a bit before mainly in the context of my body image being fucked up.

This latest thing was broader. While yeah, I’d prefer my body to look differently right now it won’t. I can live with it.

What has been bothering me is the idea that I will lose my place in my community because I literally don’t fit anymore.

Fuck.

After I tried to wear something or other, the fact of the matter really sank in and I can honestly say I’ve been feeling adrift and conflicted.

Aside from mourning being separated (by size) from my community I looked at the blogs I like, the fashion stuff I read etc etc are all fat centric. Not body positive, they aren’t the milquetoast white “curvy” bullshit ass version of body politics we get.

They are fucking fat.

I have been struggling with how to use my new found position of privilege. How do I shift the way I write/talk about bodies to reflect that while my thoughts/opinions remain radically Pro Fat my body has decided nah. The process of working this out for myself has been difficult, especially in light of the fact that I absolutely did not want to lose more weight.

I did not.

I’m resentful of it and struggling mightily to deal with it and not feel like shit. That is a whole other entry.

This is the bottom line for me.

I am not going to even try to fuck with “body politics” because currently, the way these are discussed and represented they are Whiter and more cis woman centric than ever and nah son.

I won’t turn what has been the radical backbone of how I learned to deal with my body into one size fits some pap.

I will still self identify as fat with the caveat that, my ass is currently not fat.

Fatness is not just physical.

Fatness is contextual.

Fatness is political and my politics are really fucking fat.

I won’t try to swim and work in the waters of White heteronormative Insta filter LOVE YOSELFness.

Nah son.

My goals here are less for y’all than they are for myself.

I shall:

  • Carry on reading and loving fatcentric content.
  • Write more about fatness.
  • I’m gonna talk about how discussions of bodies and fatness STILL often leave behind Death Fats.
  • I’m gonna talk about how important it is in my opinion to further divorce body size from binarist moralistic views of health and personhood.
  • I’m gonna love the fuck out of my fat community.

And for y’all, look.

Because I have a degree of thin privilege now and previously was a smaller fatty that does not mean that the cultural stuff I say is wrong because I’m not fatter. It also doesn’t mean that your experiences as a fat person, or a Death Fat person or a not fat person are invalidated.

Our experiences are ALL valid and we will not do Oppression Olympics. You gotta hit the ground rollin here homies.

When I refer to other folks experiences, I will defer to them about shit I have not experienced. Because when you are in the position of privilege, that’s what the fuck you do.

Other stuff to look forward to. Guest posts. I’ve made puppy eyes at some friends and it’s gonna be cool.

I’m ALSO going to start writing more about gender and bodies, gender fashion and bodies.

MORE intersections!

More fat.

So yeah.

I feel like this is important to me and I need to hold on to it.

Later this week a struggle bus naturals post AND I’ll have some new protips for online thrifting.

Reasons why I am anxious.

Right now I have anxietied myself to near tears and lately apparently that’s what my brain is gonna do.

So yes, hello your fave Auntie has some major anxiety problems and many of them have been life long. I’m working on being more open about this because the things that can cause a panic attack or this kind of mid-level hard to breath I want to cry anxiety embarass me. The more shitty part of my brain says, what the whole fuck is wrong with you?

For instance, y’all know (or if you don’t now you do) that I am a writer. I had a piece published last week and it has legs and people have said really great things to me about it. Granted there has been some pushback, some pepe wielding dickholes have been trolling but that doesn’t bug me so much. What did make me have an actual panic attack was that some folks said SUPER nice things and yeah.

Sometimes   frequently, when great or good things happen to me I panic. Compliment? Panic. Someone I admire says something low key praise like, lost shit. Offered an opportunity? FREAK OUT.

This flavor of anxiety almost always elicits a fear response. Bug eyes, sweating, fight or flight. Terror. I start sweating, I might shake. I don’t cry normally but I am scared as fuck.

Why?

I don’t fucking know.

My brain is full of fuck.

Other reasons I’m anxious today:

  • I woke up
  • My bus was late
  • I was late for work
  • I can’t find a dance class I can afford
  • I really need new underwear
  • I have to finish a new piece.
  • I didn’t make ALL the blog posts I wanted to.
  • I’m kind of overdressed for the weather.
  • I wrote some new poems.
  • I am not sure what si

Um along with other things this is what’s on the hamster wheel of my brain.

The worst thing about the way I experience anxiety is that it exacerbates my fatigue problems. Am I exhausted because I slept like shit or because I’ve been so anxious all day I’ve felt like I might shit my pants.

I can hear my brain grinding away and I have shit to do. I have art to make. I am tired of my own crazy* hamster wheel brain that won’t just let me live.

A lot of me wants to battle this. A lot of me wants to deny it, stonewall it and power through because that is how I learned to deal with my mental illness from a young age. I wasn’t depressed, I was whiny. I wasn’t having problems, I was just not pulling my bootstraps hard enough.

I don’t want to do that anymore.

I also don’t want to just be a shitty pants, sobbing mess.

It is a fine line.

Some of how my life works requires that I don’t express outwardly how I’m feeling inside. I can’t sit on the floor at work ugly crying. I can’t throw myself on the ground in public.

This coupled with being struck with a 6 day cluster headache attack that I worked through 5 days of has made me not great.

I’m recovering but y’all, shit has been fuckin rough.

And I’m not trying to push myself to work beyond my limits so blogging is not gonna be as regular as I hoped it to be.

I’m working on it.

Also my friend Katie has a podcast and if you want to hear some folks talk about how this shit feels, listen. It is great.

Hood Witchery Doings.

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Welcome back to me bein extra.

SO let’s talk hood witchery because I’ve been doin some thangs.

First great thing. So I have a little bag that I’ve been calling my portable altar because Gris gris was incorrect, and I’m not indigenous so nope to calling it anything close to a medicine bag.  I was doing some mystical noodling on google and found the right thing.

I am making myself a MOJO BAG.

Being that the nature of my witchery is entirely syncretic and dependent on how I feel, what I dream etc. What’s interesting is that while I’ve been gathering bits and bobs for it, I have had the Muddy Waters version of Got My Mojo Working *not even my fave version* playing in my head on a loop.

I had misplaced my bag for a minute. I changed bags and left it in my other bags for a while. And I could not stop with the damn song.

Given that I have some memory issues, this is fucking magical that I’ve been thinking the right thing all along I just couldn’t bring it to the fore of my mind.

My bag is still a work in progress and I haven’t had the chance to charge it up yet. I’m going to look for some other odds and ends to fill it out with.

I’m STILL feeling some type of way about trying to vet shops to buy certain items from. I will not buy if your magical items are all Quasi-Eastern, exotifying terribleness. I really hate that so many supposed magiacal witch types will treat anything that isn’t The Morrigan as exotic table trimmings and not respect the deep heritage there.

My fucking heritage.

And I am not connected to African Diaspora religion/witchery by blood that I know of so I’m kind of floundering over here.

There are certain items I just do not feel right getting from people who are not practicing, who are not doing these things or making the sacred items I want in a way that seems respectful.

That said, I’m so glad I found my bag and connected it to the tradition that made me want to have it in the first place.

I’m working on doing some further research, looking for that yes that is what I need feeling.

For those who are atheists or feel some type of way about pagany/witchyness, leave folks alone about it. I don’t care if you don’t like it, it makes me happy.

The next thing I’m also looking at are ways to expand my communication with certain spiritual things. Baron Samedi namely. I have a lot of dreams featuring the Baron. I want to explore creating some type of sacred space in my house and not have it conflict about my negative feelings towards the space.

I tend to not remember/do formalized rituals. I do what feels good in the moment.

Also I’ll document some of my ritual stuff.

What else is coming?

In a month there’ll be some new skincare reviews. I’ll be talking more about fatness and bodies. I’ll be talking about how my relationship with my body is changing again.

That’s all for now.

Shit I like- Witchy Shit Edition

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Also there will be some shit I don’t like.

How about some witchy make up shit?

I love this black lipstick roundup at Dear Darkling. And don’t think I didn’t notice they chose a person of color in one shot. I saw that.

Let me show you some great things. I’ve known the owner of this spot for awhile on the internets. Check out the cute witchy stuff at Last Craft!   Super cute stuff, candles, stickers, pins etc.

Okay y’all, my dear friend Sumayyah is a jewelry designer and quality people. I have at last count probably four pieces and look a clearance.

If you’re in the mood for some intuitive services, a goddess reading etc contact my friend Aaminah. They are very sensitive quality people. Get some. 

Do you need some digital coloring pages? I’m pretty in love with this. I was shown this artist via facebook and just love the Tarot card coloring page.

One of my fave indie body/scent makers has a soap that y’all, this shit is fucking amazing. Black Magic Cream soap from One Hand Washes the other. So good. So so good. Also her perfumery is amazing. Unique affordable natural scents. Check it out.

Is your skin annoyed right now? Mountain Madness Soap has an Oats and Honey bath bomb that looks delicious. I have had some of their other products and really dig them!

How about some goodies from yours truly?

First up, I have a big ole downloadable freebie available right now. Like urban fantasy fiction? Come check it out and download the snack pack right here.

Like that? Inside the snack pack, look for a coupon good for some $$ off in my etsy shop where you can find some MORE lit!

Also I have an announcement I already made elsewhere. I have a new book coming out, poetry from Lark Books. Check it out here. It will be available at the Summer Solstice and I’ll post here when I have any events or related info.

OH yeah if you’re new, I’m not just your Fine Ass Old Auntie I am also a writer. You can check out more of my work here.

Now for some shit I don’t like.

I’ve been reading some really beautiful dark magazines on the internets. They are gothy and the aesthetics are gorgeous and the art is lovely BUT- BUT

The complete lack of anything not written by, presented as, presented for thin White cis able bodied women is exhausting.

The worst part for me is that some of the writers I know are aware that folks outside of that particular norm exist but, these “revolutionary” or otherwise supposedly wild ass publications/parts of the Goth/Witch/Dark subculture don’t really subvert the norm of thin White cis able bodied women.

And frankly, I’m in a state right now where I’m probably going to disengage from these things for a while. Having so little representation and seeing the same type of images, the same articles, the same traditions being centered in something that is supposed to be outside of the norm is just exhausting.

The real truth is, reconstructing the problems in the bigger world in a smaller world sucks. And like I said in this entry, at this point I just don’t have the energy to try and engage with it with every magazine. Have to wade through White fragility and stone walling just so I can have something nice to look at or read about.

So that’s all for now.

Next week, I’m going to post a review of Sock Dreams and give some tips on shopping there AND there will be hair.

 

Live From the Dollar Store-CW: mental health, panic, shame spirals.

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I am not literally at the dollar store right now but my heart is there.

Lately, I’ve been doing a lot of work on identifying anxiety triggers. Part of me trying to deal with the reality of living with my flavor of mental illness and trauma involves a lot of me sitting with my anxiety or panic and letting it happen and then trying to figure out how I got there.

Another thing I’ve been slowly learning to allow myself to do is express what’s on my mind mid-freakout. Once upon a time, I was barely capable of telling my best friend over IM. I spent years supressing any outward signs of having emotions much less of having a panic attack that now, my deepest desire is to let it out.

So look here for what I was tweeting in a nice storified way. And then come back to this tab so I can tell you what was gong on in my head.

What set this off on Friday was that I was already feeling very nervous about what/how we were going to eat through getting my paycheck, paying the rent/bills, and until my partner’s EBT refilled. Typically the end of one month into the first week of the next is really difficult for me. I’m partly relieved, and then I’m angry all over because my paycheck barely covers my rent.
By that point in the month, we are always on the dregs of what we’re eating. My partner has health problems and I know how much of a difference a better diet could make but, we have some intersecting things that make doing that extra hard.
I know that I would feel better overall if we could eat better. I know that I feel the best when I use a less “diet” based way of eating and just eat what I want when my body says I want it.
That is expensive. I can’t afford it.
And last Friday, I was hit up for money to be taught marketing and the person used a lot of negging to do it and it caused me to have a panic attack and subsequent bout of pure rage.
The anger was mixed with my panic because, boom I had an instant cascade of food insecurity.  And what do you know, afterwards (and after eating thanks to some gracious donations) I was able to figure out and pinpoint that food insecurity for either myself or my Lil family, sends me deep into panic and anxiety and shame.
What does that have to do with the dollar store?
Our neighborhood dollar store is slightly small, cramped and usually hot as hell. The staff is pretty friendly and they have food.
Generally speaking, I always have a jar of change, I have my emergency dollars stashed and I know if I can walk up there, I can feed my little family.
It is not the best food.
But it is sometimes what makes the difference between eating and not. Between, getting some protein and eating plain ramen.
Sometimes when I’m panicky about making sure my partner has something to eat in the house if he’s unable to get out or when I realize I don’t have any lunch, the dollar store is there.
And for that, I am terribly thankful.
[<a href=”//storify.com/Weebeasty/the-external-meltdown” target=”_blank”>View the story “The External Meltdown” on Storify</a>]

Goth Fantasist- Dream Summer Femme Edition

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Welcome back my darling loves.

I decided to change up how I do these posts and today, we’re going to talk the Femme Goth Fahion I would buy right now.

A lot of what is on the pinboard that goes with this post are what I call Gothables. Stuff that is accessible to lots of us economically and size wise. They are not the fanciest of Goth attire but, they are things that are easily gothed up or down. I also mixed in some total Alt/Goth  stuff that I can’t buy because shit doesn’t come in sizes over like an 8. There are shoes, a mix of higher end and Kmart retailers.

And let’s talk about retailers.

Real. Talk.

I do not do a lot of “ethical” shopping. I get in where I fit in and that’s a decision I’ve made because I don’t really ascribe to minimalism based on for me, I don’t have access to easy laundry facilities. I cannot be washing the same goddamn pair of pants by hand and waiting for them to maybe dry in my damp ass apartment.

Also, for real. If I could afford to save for you know, 6 months to buy one awesome piece and have it be workable I would try but I can’t. So yes, you will see problematic retailers featured here and yes I know they are terrible so please save any lectures about it.

Now, let’s talk what I mean when I say Gothable.

Let’s say that you are an Old Office Goth like me and you don’t have the wardrobe or mad DIY skills that say, Aunt Jillian has. Or maybe where you work is okay with some weird but not ALL the weird. So, my method is that I buy pieces in black or some prints (y’all don’t even understand the level of fool I am for a big ole gaudy ass floral) and sometimes I goth it up with my choice of hair styles, jewelry, etc.

Also, jewelry is a GREAT way to express some Gothness in as low key a way as you can in order to be able to navigate the life you live without totally sacrificing your style.

I’m a big fan of mixing the practical with the silly. I tend to have to buy shoes for practicality. I buy outerwear for practicality even though, I want fantastical. I like to put color in my wardrobe in my socks or tights. Sometimes I’ll wear a peekaboo of bright red under a cardigan.

Now let’s talk about some Gender related feelings.

In terms of how I experience and express my genders, I’ve just accepted that I’ll be Femme whether I feel more masculine or feminine.

For me Masculine looks like/feels like, skinny jeans, boots, weird wizardy cardigans or ninja cardigans. In my head I like the idea of those poopy butt drop crotch leggings/joggers but I feel like in reality I would hate them. If I’m gonna get chub rub, I better have a dress on because chub rub AND pants is fucking bullshit.

My masculine aesthetics tend to lean more towards fancy dressed masc. Tuxedos, suits.

The main reason I present Femme as I do is basically I really fucking hate pants. I. Hate. Pants.

I also think a lot of menswear is just not pretty or as interesting to me as ladywear.

So.

Yanno.

I’m just gonna be a chunky ass Old Goth Weirdo and it is good.

What else?

Let’s talk aesthetics.

Mine tend to go all over the place.

At the end of Winter I was really feeling my layers. I am FINALLY starting to figure out what fabrics I like together, how much layering I like. That was great.

Right now I’m still in the confused, do I let my bare legs and leg fur fly? It is cold AF in the morning. I have switched back to my fleece coat BUT, it is not water resistant at all and whatnot.

Soon I’m going to talk about thrifting and how getting my groove back to just -know- that a thing will work. When I was fatter I felt like this was my super power and it was so empowering for me. Losing the ability was a huge blow to my self esteem.

SO what am I into right now?

Kimonos *GAG that anyone calls these robes/cardis that*. I like em sheer, floral prints etc. ALL THE DRESSES!!! ALL OF THEM. All shapes, skater dresses, tunics, pixie hems YASSSSSSSSSSSSS LORD!

Skirts. YES all of them also.

I am actually good at layering for warmer Seattle weather. You’ll frequently find me in skirt or dress with a cardigan and a hoody available to put on. I’m still obsessed with galaxy print everything.

For shoes, y’all. It has been decided by my feet that I absolutely CANNOT wear totally flat shoes anymore. I have a pair of Croc ballet flats that were my go to never fail shoes.

Now I need some platform or other height so…yeah.

I’m super into working out some Dark Mori influenced outfits and looking at wearing more jewelry again.

So there you have it.

See below for a (still growing) pinboard of my current wardrobe fantasy items. You’ll find some plus size stuff, shoes, accessories, LOTS of femme clothes. Feel free to make your own and drop a link to it.

Quickie Reviews!

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Let’s do some quickie reviews. Some affiliate links, ahoy.

First up, some hair stuff:

Creme Of Nature Strength & Shine Leave-in Conditioner: I picked this up sort of on emergency status. I had no leave in with some slip and my hair was super really HOLY FUCKBALLS WHAT HAVE I DONE- tangled. Y’all this shit right here. It does have cones in it and that’s what I needed. You shake it and it gives a nice light mist and my hair digs the formula. I actually found it at Rite Aid in my hood.

Next up, I used the last of a little jar of SheaMoisture Jamaican Black Castor Oil Reparative Leave-In Conditioner.  I heard from some recent reviews that the formula had changed and y’all it has. It still smells good but I found that this newer formula does not moisturize my hair the way it used to at all. Not worth it. I won’t be rebuying it. Also like LOTS of other brands who made their big money on Black women they are backing away from Blackness and I ain’t here for it so they get no more of my black ass dollars.

I recently saw the new release of the Babylips line and I was so excited. I’m a big fan of the original babylips and picked up one of the new crayons. I got it in Playful Purple. Pros: major color. The color is fire. It is like BOOM all in your face which for a balm is pretty amazing. Cons: MAJOR CLOWN MOUTH. This is not like the buildable ones like my fave OG Cherry one. Y’all no. This new one is messy, it just got ALL over around my mouth after a couple of swipes. Good for the pahpow color, but, not really feasible for a little quick tint. Nah son. That said, I bought it so instead of wearing it as is, I found if I blot it down a few times the color is less shiny but stays put.

I’ve recently been wearing more eye shadow and y’all, I forgot how much I love the Revealed and Revealed 2 palettes. The shadows are well pigmented and blend easily. I feel like if you prefer more nudes (some of these are GREAT nudes for brown skin) and want nice quality without shelling out huge bucks these are pretty great. You don’t have to have both, if you’re my shade or around that I suggest 2 more than 1.

Next I’ve fallen ass over tea kettle in love with the First Aid beauty Ultra Repair Cream.  That said- this shit is expensive AF but, I do really love it. The big wow factor for my super dry body skin is the Colloidal Oatmeal in it. First ingredient and excellent for soothing itching burning skin. I probably use way too much (I’m nothing if not extra) but it is just so soothing and the light citrus scent is really nice. I probably won’t buy a big jar because it’s expensive, but it’s a great product if you are looking and got $$.

What else?

My current fave sheet mask is the Tony Moly I’m Real Red Wine Mask Sheet. My favorite weird mask is the carbonated clay mask One Bad Motha’foamer. Even beardy beard face Uniballer (my partner) loves that foamy one. I dunno if it really gets in them pores but it is so fun to do I love it.

If you are into interesting, unique and handcrafted perfumes, but don’t have BPAL money, y’all I GOT U BOO. Whisper Sisters. The owner Darla has got a magical nose for complex, deep and gorgeous scents. My personal faves right now are Spidora – red licorice, sugar, clove, aged patchouli. Eulalie – peach, rose, honeysuckle, carnation. And Cecil – brown sugar, black pepper, sugar. I have an ever growing collection of her work and y’all it is so good.

What am I looking forward to?

OH OH OH.

So, y’all I LOVE SOCK DREAMS and I just found out I have a referral link. So if you want to shop them, please use my link homies. I legitimately LOVE that company so much. I am wearing their socks right now.

PRO TIP. If you have dry hands and like fancy hand cream, watch for sets of the good shit around holidays. Gift sets are where it’s at. I’m currently using tube #3 out of a four or five tube set I got at Christmas from Sephora of Korres body butters. I will likely purchase this one when I run out. My favorite so far is the rose. The scent is soft and natural, the cream is wonderful.

Remember, travel or gift sets are the business if you want to try out something expensive without the huge ding to your wallet.

But, beware. You might get hooked like I have on this Peter Thomas Roth
Pumpkin Enzyme Mask Enzymatic Dermal Resurfacer. Y’all. This shit is so expensive and I have a wee tiny bit of it left, it is so good. So so good. My face feels like the softest fattest little baby butt in the world when I use it. Like…it’s so rare to use a product and have immediate gratification but there it is. That 58 goddamn dollar tub of pumpkin goodness is my official holy grail mask.

That said, on recs from lots of friends I’ll be checking out some The ordinary skin care. I have my eye on this retinol and the rosehip oil.

I still love the Tarte Maracuja oil but I think for the warmer weather my skin doesn’t want it. Also the little bottle lasted me for months, I still have a good amount.

I will be switching my foundation up as well and will do some reviews when I FINALLY get my shit.

That’s all for now. I believe next time we’ll get our Goth Fantasist on, the more Genderqueer version for folks.

 

Struggle Bus Naturals- A little update

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So in the last few weeks I’ve been feeling kind of down about my hair. I was experiencing some MAJOR tangling and haven’t been able to find my schedule for taking my hair down to braid now that I’ve changed shifts.

One of the drawbacks to hardcore protective styling for me is that I am not always able to see progress or milestones. My biggest milestone lately has been that my hair is now too much to do my whole cowash/detangle in the shower unless I want to wash my ass in stone cold water.

So I was thinking maybe of doing something else? I dunno. I watch a LOT of hair channels (I should not) and was feeling inadequate. Y’all I KNOW better than to compare. I mean, my hair is what it is. It’s not gonna be as glorious as one of the super long folks I follow.

Let me say this to my fellow struggle bus naturals. Your hair is gonna do what it do. For some of us there is no amount of product or manipulation to give us picture perfect all the sameish curls. For some of us, there are no laid edges without abusing our hair. A lot of us are not walking around rocking Instagram worthy hair all day every day.

Remember y’all, let your hair be your hair.

Now, over the weekend I decided to treat my hair SUPER nice.

I prepoo’d with coconut oil and did some finger detangling. Then I clarified my hair with one quick suds with a sulfate shampoo and followed with my liquid African Black soap.

I don’t do a whole wash in the shower anymore. Instead I shampoo in four sections in my sink. I have a hose thingy like this.   I also use a hair catcher in the drain. I used to exclusively wash this way until I started cowashing more.

I detangled with a bit of extra conditioner outside of the shower and while I was doing that with one section, I freaked out a little. Y’all, I have retained INCHES. When I started this round of protective styling I trimmed my hair to just below my shoulder. I trimmed a little bit as I was combing and look at how glorious my hairs is:

hair

[image description: a photo of the author a brown person from behind. One section of their hair is down and reaches a couple of inches below their shoulders]

Y’all.

That is all retention, which has been my biggest problem previously.

So here are my big super secrets.

  1. Figure out what your hair likes. Not what your fave youtuber likes. How to figure this out? Use a product consistently. Unless your hair immediately starts doing something wild or if your scalp is itchy, stop but, you have to give your hair time.
  2. Don’t try and rush your hair. Let it do what it do.
  3. Do what works and don’t screw around overmuch.

And that’s pretty much it. What works for me, might suck for you and that’s okay because we’re not in the same body.

A few other tips before I go.

If you start taking hair, nail and skin vitamins that have a lot of MSM or Biotin, drink extra water. If you don’t your face will break out. Your face might break out anyway, but, if it isn’t terrible, just roll with it. Again, give it at least 90 days and stay hydrated.

And love your hair. Doesn’t matter what kind of hair you have. Love your TWA, love your hair.

Now, as for me. I’m going to try that Jazz Nicole method of doing some crochet twists with NO CORNROWS!! If I can do it, it’s gonna be a spring/summer of UNICORN hair and I’m super hype. I’ll take some photos of it while I’m trying it. My plaiting has gotten quite a bit better so if I can do this, it’s fixin to be lit.

That’s it for now darlings.

Next time, I dunno maybe some new quickie reviews!

Old Goth is Old. Complaints from the Black Goth Department.

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If you are of the opinion that Goth is a phase, please go read this. I’ll wait.

Now, let’s talk about being an Old Black Goth.

In my early 20s during my pre-Internet life there were certain things about my Gothness I just accepted.

Things such as:

White people with their versions of dreadlocks.

Zero to a wee bit of representation in media.

Being exoticized.

Nazi Fetish, Nazi imagery, Nazi regalia is “just to be provocative”

These things are inside the subculture. Back in the day when I was a lil baby bat, these things vexed me a lot.

These days, yeah whatevs.

Except the representation. Goth has a reputation for being more open about bodies, etc. but, yeah not so much.

Even all these years later, if we’re looking for images of androgyny better be tall and thin or tiny and thin or just you know, pretty thin.

Lately I’ve been getting back into make up and again, I see these beautiful tutorials and nary a one says anything about making it work for skin other than white skin. Not. One.

Also, lately in the last few years as Goth and Witchy looks have turned mainstream, shops are NOT stocking all available sizes in brands that make above a size L. Dollskill is terrible for this. They stock Killstar brand clothing (which I am OBSESSED WITH) ahem. But none of the Xl/XXL sizes. And a lot of Killstar stuff is stretchy so more sizes can get their ham in it. So why?

It is 20 goddamn 17.

Can I tell you that in the late 90s, a lil fat booty Goth babe like yours truly could buy ALL sorts of brands of goth clothes?

And another complaint. Every single witchy, dark, magazine is so white. Except for like ONE article from a while back about a Black witch. It is kinda getting me down lately. I’m feeling very much like, yo um…where are your non white people? You know we exist right?

There are a number of dark oriented magazines I’ve been reading lately on the interwebs. From the purely aesthetic ones, to the sexy ones to the cultural ones to the ones talking spirituality, they all mainly

Let’s look at all the witchy goodness happening. Most of the imagery revolves around pretty white girls in instagram filtered photos with stiletto nails, lots of AHS inspired hats, lots of Baba Yaga, the triple goddess, etc. On a casual look, I can find eleventy million hot takes and essays about it but, while traditions, looks and what not differ there are not a lot of folks who don’t fit the common aesthetic.

Once upon a time, a few years ago now one of the glossy goth magazines got bold and talked inclusion and diversity. The article was kind of okay? As I recall they didn’t seem to have spoken to any Black Goths but linked to them which is a problem. After that, their look didn’t change. There weren’t Black goths featured, there weren’t hot fat folks in fancy digs, they did what a lot of other things that brand themselves as diverse do.

They did one thing and called it a win.

Right around that time I pitched, probably ten magazines op eds about those of us who aren’t pale willowy sorts. I never heard a word back from any. I wrote letters and emails.

Crickets.

For me personally, sometimes this shit is hard as fuck. I’m feeling that way now. Because my interests from a very young age have fallen outside of the little box that folks think Blackness is, sometimes I feel starved for community but leery of it as well. On one hand, I LOVE talking Alt shit. Makeup, clothes, music, but I also am very fully aware that the need may arise for me to gird my loins regarding my Blackness. I am fully aware that I will encounter microagressions, that I might have to yet again explain why it’s not cute to be a racist, etc.

There are some communities around for Alt/Goth folks of color, but, personally there was a bit too much internalized white supremacy going on in those groups and nah son.

Like any other microcosm of society, the ones I like are going to replicate the sins of the macrocosm. That said, emotionally it just makes me sad and tired.

That’s where I am right now.

Sad and tired old Black Goth.

I’ll feel better, these things come and go.

Now that my life has shifted to a more daytime dwelling schedule. I might get my partner Uniballer dressed up and take him to a meet up or maybe get us out to the Goth club once in a while.

I will probably return to reading my dark magazines. I found some great fashion stuff to look at on Tumblr and I’ve been doing some more wardrobe rebuilding.

Hell, I might even start writing essays about this stuff and trying to Black up some Goth mags.

For right now, I feel better I got it off my chest.

Until next time my loves.

Coming soon I have some new beauty reviews and if the universe works with me, some face of the day photos and stuff. I will probably bring back the goth fantasist posts too.

 

 

 

Musings-Poverty trauma, exhaustion.

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I’m experiencing one of my least fave perimenopause things today. The Crushing Fatigue. I was fine and doing stuff and now I am not.

I’ve been tracking a lot of stuff about my day to day life and I have one pattern that I just cannot seem to shake. When I am exhausted or in this fatigued state, all I can think about is how much more I should be doing to support my little family.

I’m not sure what it is about being so tired I’m unable to do much, triggers this intense mix of guilt, shame and sudden NEED to be all hustle. Or, I look at my budget for things I’m saving for (currently Ninja Blender) and I come up with eleventy forty seven reasons why I should not be doing that and should do X thing instead. Right now, that feeling is a bit more intense because we have an unexpected bill this month that pretty much has eaten my “extra” money in my budget.

On one hand, I feel that shame that poor people feel because of how our culture treats us. Part of my brain says, if I worked harder. If I made better decisions I mean I don’t need to eat “good” food, I don’t need  to write something that meant I bought research materials, I don’t need new drawers, I can surive! Of course I can. I have survived worse!

One part of my brain is like, FUQ U I CAN DO THIS SHIT!

Then I open a new tab and start a whole new tighter, leaner and meaner budget. When I feel this way, my budgets are like. Fuck you and your entertainment. Fuck your hair. Fuck your raggedy ass panties too. You don’t deserve shit you didn’t work for.

On the other side of my brain, things are far more chill. That part of my brain says, you know if our culture actually was decent, you’d not feel like your worth is only what you can produce. That side of my brain says, you didn’t fail and destroy your whole life because a bill was bigger than anticipated. You are allowed to not be hustling all the time.

The latter is what I really believe. Rationally, I know and believe that there are many intersecting things that contribute to my experience of being the working poor, the trauma and the anxiety triggers. I know that. Shit, I’ve fucking written about it.

So much of my brain is arguing with itself because I know these things, but sometimes I can’t feel these things. I feel ashamed because I bought TWO pairs of skinny jeans on clearance in December and I could really use that 42.89 (Yes I remember the exact price) right now. On one hand, I rage because I don’t make a living wage and don’t see that changing anytime soon, but I also know that I am worth being paid a living wage.

This push and pull is also a feature of how my anxiety manifests. I know that so much of this is a stinky mix of triggers and anxiety and panic.

know I am worth spending the money on my own personal health on my personal comfort etc. On having a better quality of life. I know that. A lot of my work is deeply rooted in that.

So really, my job in this state is not to listen to the part of me that says I’m lazy and terrible and not worth it.

That’s all I’m gonna do for right now because it’s all I can do.