Too Fat For Life. CN: Eating disorder mentions, weight loss, trauma.

First story time.

Once upon a time yours truly was a (as I thought then) super fat fat fatty teenager who was in fact too fat to live. A large part of why I felt this way included:

  • I was not “thin”
  • I did not have a flat stomach.
  • My thighs touched.
  • The culture of my community, made no bones about fatness.
  • Anxiety fueled food disordered behavior.
  • Budding exercise addiction.

Among other things.

I have a distinct memory of a friend talking about how enormous another girl was. HOw she was just SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCH a cow. Y’all know, I remember I must’ve pulled a face because I was absolutely a larger person than the girl in question. I don’t remember precisely but I feel like I probably said something like, so what do you think of me and was reassured of my prettiness.

For reference, I was 5’2 and at that point weight about 140 pounds or so. I’ve always been thickly built. Even when I was in the lowest percentile for height, I’ve always had big muscly thighs, etc. In my mind, I was in fact about to drop dead of fatness. Mind you, this was before the Fat Panic swept the world and every other health article wasn’t screaming OH SHIT WE HAVE NO REAL PROOF BUT U GONNA DIE FATASS!

 

After a period of intense attempts at weightloss, I arrived at fuck it. Not a good kind of fuck it. More the, well I’m fat and ugly anyway so I’m gonna do what I wanna do. I decided that summer to run. I got kitted up and started running. The first time I was running, I was chugging my way up a hill and a carload of grown men, slowed to call me fatass, call me a fat bitch and throw garbage at me.

They went around again because I had nowhere to go, did the same thing and I went home in terrified tears.

Fast forward a few years to my first gym membership, I was about the same weight and my second time going, a few older women in the locker room had a long conversation about how unfortunate my body was. I was something like 20 or so and I felt violated.

Another attempt at being a runner later on, more trash thrown. Yelled at. Told to go home. Called a bitch, told to go die.

Fast forward more and I’m fatter and on the internet.

One of my first outfit photos, I found it was taken and used to build a base to make fun of me from.

And the thing is, I’ve never really been that fat. The fattest I’ve been is relatively small fat. Granted, back in the day the availability of clothing for me was very limited but I made do. When I first dabbled in body politics, I had full awareness that I had it far easier than my death fat friends. I didn’t know the term privilege but I understood and respected the concept.

As we head towards Christmas and the post-Thanksgiving OH SHIT U SUCK season, let’s talk about some things that aren’t true.

There is the theory that if you are fat, seem fat, are fat, are really fucking fat that you should be doing the following:

  • LOSE WEIGHT BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY
  • HATE YOURSELF INTO LOSING WEIGHT
  • LISTEN TO EVERY SHITBIRD THEORY ABOUT WHY YOU’RE FAT
  • DON’T LEAVE YOUR HOUSE
  • DON’T EVER HAVE A GOOD TIME
  • DON’T GET CAUGHT EATING
  • DON’T GET CAUGHT ENJOYING ANYTHING

If you are Fat, you must always be miserable, self hating, and not be visible to anyone ever for any reason.

You should also if you are a woman, be as femme as possible at all times. You should “at least” have a socially acceptable hourglass type shape but still hate yourself. You should always say, I’m sexy because obviously any one who is a woman and who is fat should be grateful anyone thinks they are attractive but also, you should still hate yourself. You should hate yourself SO MUCH you don’t buy nice clothes. Sackcloth only. You should hate yourself so much, you continuously talk about hating your body and your fatness while you’re also only nibbling a tic tac in public because OMG.

If you are going to be fat, you have to be a Good Fat. You should always start every conversation with, “I’m fat but” insert next bit here. I exercise, I’m a vegan I’m blablabla NOT A BAD FATTY.

You should believe ever click bait sketchily researched “study” that says, YOU GONNA DIE FATASS. You should buy EVERY MIRACLE FRUIT THAT WILL LITERALLY MELT THE POUNDS OFF.

The thing is, the lies we’re told when we’re fat are legion. At the bottom of them, is this.

If you are fat you should not live in the broadest sense of the word.

If the “fat diesases” don’t kill you right this instant, than well fuck you.

The proof of the base lie is that if you are fat and objectively “doing something” as in you’re exercising, talking about wanting access to size 32 active wear, talking about the cost of said active wear if you can find it, talking about access to good food etc- you are still not allowed to just exist.

That is the lie of the Good Vs Bad Fatty dichotomy.

I was inspired to write this by a news story where another fat model in fitness clothing doing fitness, was shamed. There was another one where a famous fat runner was on the cover of a running magazine, photographed while running, and then trolled mercilessly WHILE SHE WAS RUNNING A FUCKING MARATHON- because she’s fat.

My fat friends.

I’m talking to you. Non fat folks, pay attention but this ain’t about you.

My fat friends.

If you are struggling with your own fatness, it’s okay.

You don’t have to be 100% fat accepting or whatever all the time.

You are allowed to be fat and just exist.

All this other shit, the bullshit trolls say, the bullshit you might hear from family at get togethers, the New Year New Me diet push that’s coming, etc etc is just shit.

It is all lies.

This is also heavily on my mind because as I’ve mentioned in the past few years I lost weight. In the ER in October, I was weighed and it turns out I weigh a lot less than I thought. I felt pride for two seconds until, you know what?

The type of people who back in the day when I was a lot fatter could only call me a fat bitch to argue with me, are the same type of people who reach for it now.

I believe in bodily autonomy and you can do whatever you want with your body.

I also believe that narrowing your life to numbers on a scale, a pants size or the idea that there is a right weight for existence and living life is not good for you.

You can be fat and live.

You can.

And in living, if you wanna take up jogging or belly dancing or wanna sit on the couch and eat nachos, you’re allowed because you are your own person.

I don’t say this lightly.

I don’t believe in hate change.

I’m talking about self-hate, hate from outside all of it. Changing because of hate will back fire. I’ve seen it in my own life, my friends lives. I’ve known people who died because they fueled their eating disorders with hate and there was never time to let themselves live.

I’m not saying you have to be all love and sunshine. Nah that’s unrealistic.

I’m saying, instead of buying into the lies get into what they fuel in you and work out how to not use that hate to punish yourself.

I guess, what I want you to know is that you can live.

LIVE.

Some stuff will be harder for some of us for physical or mental reasons. That’s okay. It doesn’t make any of our experiences less valid just different.

As we head into a new year and there’s going to be so much shaming shitty shit in the world, brace yourselves. Start talking to yourself about this before shit gets dire you know?

There’ll be more.

That’s all right now.

 

Advertisements
Posted in body politics, fat acceptance, fatness | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment

Femme Files- Playing with my make up

Let’s talk beauty today my loves.

One of the things I’ve learned about myself is that my love of make up is something that fulfills some very specific needs. It lets me play, when I was a baby potato I loved playing dress up and doing a full face of make up. I could spend literal hours carefully trying to replicate make up looks from magazines. I have lots of good memories of this.

One of them was when my Mom was a hair model for a small salon. On select days, she’d pack me up and we’d go to the salon and she’d get her hair done and do a shoot. There was a make up artist who after seeing me gently looking in his kit, set me up at a station and I successfully duplicated a shiny red lip/smokey eye combo. I loved him, I never made a mess. It was magic to me then and is magic to me now.

Once I got over hating make up for a while in my 20s because I couldn’t afford Mac and drug stores usually carried only beige and dark beige I started playing again. Sometimes it works, sometimes not. Lately I’ve been deep diving my stash for funsies.

First let me show you some old tries from years ago.

This one is from 2008ish? It was my first try at emulating a youtube tutorial. It was done by Leesha from xSparkagex (whom I still follow because she’s delightful):

hulkeye

[image description: close up of a brown eye. There is green and yellow eyeshadow on the upper lid, purple lining the lower]

Back then I was often too shy to post my make up experiments more publicly. I was in a make up lovers community on Livejournal that was so empowering and people were often so kind.

I didn’t wear a lot of color for a couple of years and I don’t know why. Lately I’ve been ALL about playing with stuff like mixing finishes, loud lips.

Let’s have a looksy.

20171003_120648.jpg

[image description: the author. Brown skinned femme wearing a long straight dark wig, smokey eye and sparkly red lipgloss]

This look was to go with my new wig. I have been into really undone brows (I almost shaved them off…let’s not talk about it) and here is my technique for a messy grungy smokey eye. You need something dark or black as a base. For this look I used a Sigma Black eyeshadow base that they don’t sell anymore. I also have this set from LA girl and it is the BUSINESS. It works better for me than the UD primer potion and most expensive shadow primers I’ve tried. So use the primer to rough in the shape you like then pack on black or dark eyeshadow and blend until you like it. I used the glittery black from this Maybelline The Rock Nudes Palette. For an inexpensive palette, I’m pretty into this one. Some of the shades you have to work with but overall, it is a great little thing for those dark colors. There are shimmer and matte finishes. I’m into it. The lipgloss was from the Wet N Wild Halloween collection and is super glittery in meatspace.

Don’t sleep on Wet N Wild, it is not the crap of my 90s teenagerhood. They are cruelty free and a LOT of their new stuff is the bomb y’all.

Next lewk.

20171031_061916.jpg

[image description: brown skinned femme wearing their hair in two plaits, black cat eye liner, matte black lipstick and smiling]

Technically this was my Halloween costume. Being an Old Goth means all I had to do was dip in my closet and voila, insta Wednesday Addams. Generally speaking, this is a go to I’m tired and still wanna be cute look. I have literally been doing the same cat eye for probably 20 years. Some days the wing is real big, sometimes not. I like to play with variations on a cat eye. I’ll do the upper wing in one color and the lower in another.

Some of my favorite combos include:

Black on top, messy burgundy on the bottom. I LOVE doing black on top with a metallic green on the bottom.

If you don’t have nine million liners for color pro tip.

For a neat line, do your primer or base color then use a firm small brush like this to pat on the color. Don’t swipe, pack. You can even use the edge of a sponge applicator to pat pat pat in the color. An angled brush like this one is pretty easy to use.

For a messier/grungy application, use a fluffier brush. For my eyes, I will start with the precision application and go in with a pointy blender brush like this one to blur out that shadow. Pro tip about brushes. You don’t have to use expensive brushes to do your make up. My go to daily use brushes are all from E.L.F.

My favorite foundation brush is this one from ELF. It’s their ultimate blending brush and it just works so well. I think I paid like six bucks for it. I have a 25$ one that is like it but I just don’t use it as much. It doesn’t perform as well. I have a TON of their eyeshadow brushes, the white ones. I love them.

I also love the Real Techniques brushes you can find in the drug store. My FAVORITE thing they make is this silicone eyeliner brush. Y’all. This shit right here was a game changer for me and my liner. It was weird to get used to but since there are no bristles, you can get some amazing fine control.

The thing about make up to me is that, it’s not permanent. It is for some of us, how we brace ourselves to deal with the world. Yes sometimes I do stuff that is questionable with my looks and it’s fine. I can take it off or I can rock with it.

Lately, I’ve been trying to learn how to do that neon liner look that was all the rage for a minute. I have yet to master it. I’m also trying to teach myself to put lashes on STILL and shit is hard af.

IF you wanna follow my make up shenanigans follow me on insta for mostly make up, food, random shit. Next time we’re here, I’m gonna talk about skin care I’m lusting after.

 

Posted in afro goth, beauty, goth, Personal | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment

Goth Thoughts- Anime villain Edition

Hello my loves.

Let’s talk lewks. Lately a large part of my aesthetic is looking like a King Queerdo Chubby Anime Villain.

Let’s talk about when you find a pair of awesome boots and ways to style it. Our theme today is chunky anime villain.

The boots (I am obsessed with these and yes I know they are likely a Puma Fenty knockoff but I ain’t got Fenty cash. Also all links are in fact amazon affiliate links, Auntie needs coins).

boot

[image description: black round toe thich high boots. They lace up the front with a few straps around the legs]

I dunno about y’all but, I so rarely get to buy really great shoes I tend to think about styling first before purchase. I’ve had my eye on these beauties since someone linked them to me. I just love them. The round toe, the straps. Everything.

So let’s talk styling em.

For winter/fall I’m looking at layers. First layer, leggings.

Let’s look at some of my personal choices.

These Spanx moto faux leather leggings are expensive as fuck but I LOVE the moto detail.

motolegging

[image description: a thin white person in white sneakers, black fake leather leggings with motorcycle themed details]

I mean, the boot goes over the knee and on my big fat ham would highlight that moto detail beautifully. I am a HUGE fan of faux leather leggings. Even with a smooth leather OTK boot for that full leather leg look. If moto isn’t your steez, have a look at these, these and these. The last pair are plus size up to a 24, unlike other leggings faux leather leggings sizing is a bit more difficult to fudge so if you are larger than a 24 on the bottom, you might want to find some that at least go to a 26 for a comfy fit. Pro tip for keeping faux leather leggings nicer for longer. Instead of hand washing or putting in the machine, hand clean any smelly parts and lay flat to dry.

If you aren’t ready for faux leather full leg. Try out some cute leggings detailing. I LOVE the bit of skin on these lattice work leggings. The ripped legging can be great, these you can wear a solid color pair of tights underneath or fishnets and have that pop detail and it is super cute. These faux leather inset leggings are great. I love the shape of the faux leather on them. Very understated sexy.

For a slightly more visually stimulating villainy look, I love the idea of these jacquard look leggings. Or go with a great print for less villainy. I’m a HUGE fan of Viv collection leggings, they are super soft and come in a very good variety of sizes and the prints y’all…the prints are awesome.

Other bottoms options.

I love a plain midi skirt over some tall boots and tights. I’ve had TONS of this style and they are super comfy. Best thing is as far as sizing goes, you can easily put your belly into one and wear it even if it is “too small”. The knit stretches, you could even wear it under your belly. Wheelie babes or babes who don’t like to or can’t wear binding waistbands, buy a shitload of these. I highly recommend this style of skirt and you can find them in lengths from mini to maxi.

I’m also a big fan of a big tall boot and a skater skirt. I love them and at this point you can get them in plain colors like this, mermaid prints like this (I have one in black and it is my fave skirt). For a slightly longer length, I mean y’all. Look at these right here. And always ALWAYS check the descriptions for sizing. Pro tip, if you are shopping from Asian sellers on Amazon, go for an elastic waist over a zipper. Dark floral? Yes please. There is something really great to me about funking up a very ladylike print with some edgy or clunky boots/shoes.

Now lets talk base layer tops. I wear a lot of tanks. I am not a fan of a fancy top and I do like to layer. Ones like these, and these. I’m starting to like ones with a little fancy detail like this strappy cami. I think the ones with the strappy front details are great for folks with boobs who want to show some skin but not be all like, titties all the way out. It is a good mid point.

I’m also a HUGE lover of a nice fitted tee. I prefer V necks and like the plain tanks, you can literally buy these anywhere in most sizes for good prices. Target, walmart, Old Navy (they make some of my favorites).

For the villainy look, the next thing I like are cardigans. Usually asymmetrical hem type. I LOVE this one. I like them long for that whole layered effect.  This type of longer pixie hem cardigan are fairly ubiquitous so you can find them in your size/color preferences pretty much all over the internet. Pro tip for busty people, to help keep your cardigan from just framing your boobs, wear a base layer with some texture to sort of help the cardi cling.

If you run warm or your base layer is long sleeve, there are sleeveless options that are great as well. The other thing is the sleeveless versions move between seasons really well depending on how you layer them.

Feeling extra fancy and dramatic? A poncho or cape can be magnificent. This one is expensive af but so pretty and probably feels super soft. Look at this cape, it has a hood and it is pretty awesome. For a lighter but still extra dramatic look, check out this here thingy. I mean COME ON. SO extra and so great.

I mean, life is hard. Be extra.

You can accessorive with jewelry or scarves. I’ve been experimenting with scarves a bit and you can pull in some dark mori influence there. Soften it up with some chiffon or lace. Butch it up with some tough accessories.

What else is on my fashion brain?

I want one of each of these dresses from Witch World Wide.  Velvet babydoll dresses bring back the FONDEST fashion memories for me.

So there you have it. Options for looking Villainous and awesome on a budget.

Next time we fashion, I think I’m going to talk some about ways to find stuff to fit your body and ways around bullshit sizing and tips on buying online.

Posted in afro goth, fashion, goth, Goth Fantasist, shopping | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

Sometimes Adulting Blows.

Hello loves. Also if you’ve clicked over please forgive how ugly this blog is right now. I rage quit wordpress pro and well…I haven’t fixed my shit yet.

Y’all, 2017 has been kicking my ENTIRE ass. My partner is still not in a good way and I had an ER visit myself this week and found out I have an infection and have to be on a fuckload of antibiotics and pain medication and I’m working and….

This shit. I am very discouraged. Due to my own illness now, I burned through donations/side hustle money I was putting towards getting my finances back right after dealing with the fallout from my partner’s illness.

I’m in that weird headspace where I’m so frustrated with everything, I’m raging out about minor shit and feeling bad about myself as a breadwinner and adult.

So let’s have real talk about the battles.

The internal shame battle.

Shit is hard. Things are overwhelming and adding in that we’re moving in March. Y’all.

I’m working to be gentle with myself. I’m not entirely sure how to not freak out.

So here’s how shit stands.

My ER visit and subsequent fuckload of meds and whatnot, transportation for those days and missed work means I ran through most of my moving savings as well as cash I raised. So I’m low key starting over.

As recommended by trusted friends I’m trying to figure out what my needs are so I can ask but, honestly it’s all so overwhelming.

  • I’m going to need new glasses soon
  • I need a new bra
  • I need moving shit (storage containers etc)
  • Cash always.

On this end of things I’m doing some freelancing shit. I’ve inquired about some sensitivity reading but only a couple of nibbles so far. One project was too big and I just don’t have the time.

So yeah.

That’s what is happening so posting will continue to be light. There will be more fashion because fashion doesn’t necessarily stress me out more.

Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment

Wigs, Wigs n Wigs- Balling on a budget

Inspired by a friend in need of info, I’m going to talk about having a bomb ass wig game on a budget.

First, let’s dispell some stuff.

  1. Anything but human hair is terrible. Nah. Matter of fact, if you don’t have a lot of money, or if you don’t want to commit the time to taking care of two full heads of hair, synthetic is pretty great these days.
  2. A good wig is expensive. Nah. I have some that I paid a lot for and they suck.
  3. Your wig must always look naturally laid. Nah. Screw realness.

The thing is, while yes, it can be nice to have those baby hairs laid and to look like you grew that 31″ Brazilian water wave out of your head, that’s not realistic for a lot of us so nah.

Now before picking wigs, lets talk about some terms you’ll see. Lace front usually indicates that the lace goes from ear to ear usually. With space to change the part. Inside the wig you’ll see the lace, and then the cap where the wefts of hair are sewn.

Looking at the size of your lace in your lace front unit, where there’s lace you can make a part. If you are a brown person, you’re probably going to have to use some brown powder on the lace to match it to your skin tone.

A full lace wig, will not have that kind of lattice looking inside. The full cap is made of lace so you can part it out where ever you like.

Full lace will cost more and really is a matter of personal preference, comfort, how much cash you have.

Now, let’s talk about some basic stuff.

How do you pick a wig?

My method is pretty simple, I will cobble together key words for what I’m looking for, get to google and go. Once I find some styles I like I will jot down the name of the wig and google that specifically to compare prices.

Let’s do it together. Click here. That search is for long bob wig. Go ahead and click on the Sams Beauty link. Or click here.

Now this isn’t a full wig and not what we’re looking for, but don’t lose hope. Look on the top of that page and hover on wigs, then click on synthetic hair. SO MANY CHOICES.

Very overwhelming I know.

Let’s say, we’re looking for a medium length wavy wig. On the left, click deep wave, medium wave then scroll down and click the option for medium length.

Click on the first wig, FREETRESS EQUAL SYNTHETIC HAIR WIG INVISIBLE L PART CHASTY. If you scroll down on the page, you’ll see a lot of information, some photos and on a good search a review video or two. Now, we’ll pretend this is now the wig you gotdang want.

Google the whole name of the wig and check out your price options. Do you have Prime? Amazon can get it to you like PEW PEW PEW. Oh looky here, Hairsisters has it on sale.

We’ll pretend you bought the wig from Amazon. What else should you buy to get started?

And yes, y’all know I’m trying to save to move so every coin counts and amazon links are affiliate links.

You are gonna need some wig caps. If this is your first wig I suggest snagging a few different styles to see what suits your tastes.

This multi pack has two standard pantyhose material caps and one mesh cap. I think it would be a great part of a starter wig order. If you live somewhere hot, tend to be hot in the skull area etc, these are a great option for some extra cooling and airflow.

My personal favorite brand of caps are these. I don’t know if they are really better for your hair but I found they fit over my head and hair nice and snug and hold their shape and stretch well.

In terms of caps, your comfort is king. I prefer a thicker cap or I will wear two. I can’t cornrow so getting my wigs laid can be a challenge because I wear little struggle braids under my wigs.

You can also pick up wig caps at lots of drug stores and beauty supply stores. I usually buy 3-5 packs of them at a time.

Next thing is a little pricy but, booboo it will save your edges. A wig slip.  They are velvety bands you place over the edge of your wig cap. They are amazing. Not only will your wig be more secure, you won’t have to actually attach it to your real hair. Thus saving your edges from traction alopecia and stress.

Also if you have a head that doesn’t quite fit a wig cap right, a bit too big or small, BOOM yo wig slip got you boo. I have about five I rotate and I hand wash them.

What else? Make sure you have styling tools that are appropriate for the hair. If you buy a curly wig, don’t try to style it with a paddle brush.

Make sure you comb or brush out your wig after wearing. Wigs will often tangle up at the nape of the neck and it is just a thing that happens. Carry a wide toothed comb with you or deal.

Before wearing your wig out, play with it. Figure out what you want to do with the hairline, if you want to try wearing it in a ponytail. You know it is fun, you can play around. Or if you don’t feel like it, wear it right out of the box.

Some stuff I’d avoid.

Don’t believe the hype about only buying human hair wigs. Real talk, I personally prefer synthetic because, I just don’t have the energy to take care of a whole extra head of hair.

Your wigs aren’t bad and you aren’t gross if your wigs aren’t layed for the gods, if you don’t do baby hairs, if you don’t customize your wig. Wear it how it works for you boo.

You can buy a cheap wig and rock the fuck out of it if you wanna.

You can buy a cheap wig to practice wearing and caring for a wig.

Fuck “realness”. Seriously.

If someone really believes you went from a pixie cut to a booty length red magnificence over night, they probably also believe that if you wear blue lipstick your lips are really blue. Also, who cares? WHO CARES? Random folks opinions about whether or not your hair is “yours” don’t matter unless they are in a direct position of authority over you.

Next time we talk wigs, I’ll talk about some of the reasons to try wigs if you like.

Posted in fashion, struggle bus naturals, wigs | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment

Boots N Wishes

Hi y’all.

The last two weeks of my life have been really awful. My partner is really sick and has been debilitated and unable to leave the house. We’ve been to the ER twice and then I got sick too.

This particular cycle of my life has meant a lot of shit is just not going my way and yeah it is hard.

SO let’s fashion. I have not been able to replace anymore of my wardrobe due to cost of being alive increasing and my fundraiser stalling so, I’ll show y’all what I’m into. This is the boot edition.

And yes there will be ALL the affiliate links because, Babby needs side hustle cash. So let’s get started.

Being that I can’t really wear heels anymore and my absolute love of ankle boots let’s look at some.

First up, let’s talk about this here bootie.

91DQpkM39VL._UY695_

[image description: black platform ankle boot with black laces]

This is the Demonia Women’s Scene-50 Ankle Boot. I LOVE this boot so much. Even though we can’t totally afford it, partner agreed that for our anniversary next month I want these. The thing about Demonia is that when you get a good Demonia shoe it will last for years. They aren’t as hellish to break in as Docs but they are also a tad overpriced. I’ll sacrifice for these beauties.

Next up, in my evolution to being a High Femme Alien Anime Villain Queen Prince. I need a boot like this. Demonia Women’s Emily-375 Over the Knee Boot. I can’t find a big photo so just click on the platform OTK gloriousness. I legit love accentuating the chunk of my thighs with over the knee and thigh high anything. THese are glorious. Imagine them with a pleather legging for that whole leather leg look…UNF YASSS.

Once upon a time I had many many pairs of boots and when I moved I had to sell or get rid of 90% of them. I’m hoping that after we move I can resume collecting because I really do love boots.

Speaking of OTK boots. These are so cute the shiny toe detail is just adorable LFL by Lust for Life Women’s L-Craft Winter Boot. 

I spotted these weird little ankle boots the other day and I am just utterly charmed by them. Cunzhai Women’s Unique Handmade Leather Casual Travel Soft Bottom Boot. I can picture styling them with some tights, cute tall socks and a skater skirt or other short dress. And the shape of the sole is also interesting and a detail I love.

One of the reasons I love boots so much, especially big chunky stompy boots is that it is so easy to gender play in them. I love playing on that 90s influenced bad bitch femme type girl. For me, before I learned about and started identifying with being non binary/genderqueer, it was how I played around with gender presentation.

I think for a lot of us who have had a weird gender journey, playing with things like combat boots and frilly dresses together. For folks all along the gender spectrum, these are really great ways to maybe incorporate gender identity in ways that feel pretty safe.

I remember in the late 90s (remember y’all yer fave Auntie is old af) I bought these poop brown vintage mens slacks. They looked very much like this pair of pants. I paired them with an ivory colored tucked in. I wore it with the first brown nude bra I ever owned, it was satin. No camisole. Open damn near to the navel.

I wore the outfit with some super clunky bump toe platform Oxfords, a slick, high faux ponytail, a vicious cat eye and a lot of glitter.

I felt like the most beautiful boy in the world.

That was around the time I started thinking about gender less in terms of was I boy or girl and more in terms of just being Femme. That is the great thing about style and fashion.

There is so much space inside of the concept of style to explore your gender feelings. Once you step outside of the marketed bullshit and body shaming and just do you, shit is freeing as hell.

Now how about a few links to non boots?

Iron Fist is KILLING me right now. This dress is screaming my name. I’d pair it with a big pixie hem cardigan I have and some big stompy boots. This skirt is just gorgeous.

My personal holy grail brand is Killstar. Their knits SLAY me. Like look at this sweater I love it. I am so into the sweater and leggings and boots for winter. I mean, look at this shit right here.

So there’s yer fashions for the day.

I encourage y’all who haven’t thought about gender expression to think about it some. Maybe do some exploring of your own. Remember folks, it’s not what is in your pants but in your brains.

 

Posted in afro goth, fashion, gender, goth, shopping | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

Life Makes Shit Hard

Hello frands.

I’m currently ass deep in feels and stress so…stuff.

I’m trying to find us a new place to live and it is so frustrating. If you’re new, I live in Seattle and the housing here is plentiful but expensive. I have some deal breaker things aside from affordability and I found a few places that are perfect but, weren’t good.

One of them is in North Seattle, not far from a spot I lived in before. Now, I like the neighborhood. Pretty, quiet, library, grocery and whatnot close by. HOwever, last time I lived there every morning when I got off the bus after work, someone would watch and wait for me and call the police.

Think about that, this was before cops were shooting Black folks because they are afraid of us and I still had months of terror. One of the times I was stopped by the police who were called, I broke down in tears because I had to go to the bathroom, I was exhausted and just wanted to go home. The cop told me to get off the bus somewhere else. I was followed, I had men throw garbage at me from a car while yelling racial epithets. The idea of living there again makes me feel panicky.

BUT, the one place I found has all the things I need. It is in my budget (as in, is about as much as I’m paying now) there are two different buses, it is flat, the store is close by and it has laundry close by and is accessible for my partner. Technically, it’d be great but the idea of living in such a White neighborhood, especially in a nice building in a nice area is terrifying to me.

I know where I want to live. But, in order to do so I’m going to have to add at least 25% to my income to even qualify. Because, that is a thing here these days.

I’ve been on several (six at last count) waitlists for affordable housing the oldest listing is 6 years, the newest is 2. So shit is not great.

The worst part of this for me however is dealing with the classism and racism and knowing how much my anxiety is going to be triggered because I’m trying so hard to take care of my family and everything- shit is hard. I am shit scared I won’t be able to give us a better quality of life and for my partner in particular that’s gonna be a problem.

I’ve mathed shit out and in order to provide the base level of comfort, safety and quality of life I’d like to give my partner I need to make the equivalent of another 900$ per month, or better 7$ more an hour than I make now.

All that said, y’all.

I’m trying.

Things I’ve done to help myself out:

  • Rebudgeted my Patreon money.  I also have some plans to expand my offerings there so I can make more cash.
  • I am on four waitlists for income restricted apartments.
  • Put off buying a new bed/any purchase over 100$.
  • Hustlin

I’m working.

The other thing that’s on my mind is that really when we do move we’re gonna have to essentially start over. We desperately need a new bed, I’ve literally had my mattress and box spring for 18 years and they were not quality to begin with. We need new pots and pans, most of ours were cheap and are on their last legs.

We both need to toss pretty much all of our basic clothing items. Underwear, socks, jeans, bras for me and start over because our shit is so raggedy.

This is where poverty really feels hopeless.

Currently via Patreon I make (I’m lowballing to account for declined cards) about 220$ extra a month. I could try to hustle more freelance writing work though, I’m really terrible at it and make probably about another 250 or so. Most of the regular work I’ve found has been contract based and I won’t rely on that because I’ve been burned.

I’m at the point where I’ve sacrificed a lot. My personal comfort, my personal quality of life, the quality of food I eat, how much I eat, so much and I’m only able to get a tiny bit ahead. And then something (not a huge deal to most) happens and I’m fucked.

I’m questioning my refusal to work the way I did in my 20s. Work and grind and forget writing or pleasure of having a quality of life.

I’m questioning other choices I’ve made like whether or not to go into industries I hate and don’t feel welcome in.

Often at night when I’m trying to go to sleep and my brain hamsters get turnt the fuck up, I find myself analyzing and remembering a lot of things. I think, fuck I spent 75$ on bras four (shit FOUR) years ago, shouldn’t have done that. I spent 15$ on thrifted Danskos in 2014. I bought food I bought the menstrual pads I like rather than the ones that were 3$ less.

I know for me this is mainly an indication of my stress levels. When I’m not so stressed out I don’t do this.

I am not sure how I’m going to make this happen.

I don’t know what to do but, I’m going to do whatever I have to.

Posted in home life, Personal, poverty | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment