Becoming the Adultiest Adult.

Hello, my name is Shannon. I am 39 years old and I don’t know how to buy the proper underwear.

I know where to go to buy underpants, I know that there are many different kinds of underpants, but, every time I buy them, they disappoint.

Either I buy the size I should be by my measurements and they are way too big, too small, roll up and pull my pubic hair out, get baggy in the booty area, the crotch doesn’t fit right, they go up my butt or something else bad happens.

Or I find a good style and it immediately goes out of production never to be found again.

Sometimes I’m able to find mens underpants that fit well and don’t do all the bad things in my crotchal region, but a lot of the time my hips are too round and they don’t last.

Every time I want to buy new underwear I feel the full weight of just how shitty I am at adulting sometimes. I just……

I really wish that people talking about their adulting fails was a thing I was a young adult sitting in my apartment crying my eyes out because I forgot to buy toilet paper.

Recently I’ve felt less able to successfully adult than usual. I’m not into eating enough food is very unappetizing to me right now. I know in order to successfully be a fucking functional human I have to fucking eat so I’ve been trying really hard.

That said, let us celebrate the ways in which I am an inelegant terrible adult:

  1. Relating to my inability to buy underwear. Last night while I was walking home I almost walked out of my panties. Only my thick ass thighs kept my draws from hitting the ground. This is not the first time.
  2. When I can’t open a package of candy or something like that I tend to whimper and shake the package until someone helps me.
  3. My bestie (Y’all will see me refer to her as Cookie or Wifey) is so used to my inability to use words, she can translate whatever the fuck I’m trying to say and she imagines the weird noises I’m making while I do it.
  4. Sometimes I forget how violently twitchy, I am and hit myself in the face with whatever is in my hand.
  5. Sometimes at home when I need help say putting on my pajamas or I want my back scratched I make a terrible noise like a distressed koala at Uniballer until he capitulates.
  6. Often all I can do is yell NOPE and follow by noping all the way the fuck out.
  7. I can’t control my face.

These are but a few of my more adorable (if I say so myself) foibles.

Had you known me ten years ago you’d know that I was terribly ashamed of and often enraged by said foibles and occasional complete inability to adult. I have since learned to let it go.

I’m a flappy, flailing weirdo. I’m a big dork who can be moved to tears by trees and I’ve learned that being able to adult or not, I’m still kinda okay.

I did this entry because I am pretty sure lots of you need to know that if you suck at adulthood or are like me and am pretty not great at being a person, it’s okay. If you find yourself feeling shitty because you didn’t know a thing or otherwise failed at adult, remember this.


Image of a gold star with the words “I tried” in the center.

Sometimes it is okay to just shrug and say you tried. Even if you’re like me and you end your day almost walking out of your underwear.

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