My Body Image is Broken

Content Warning: Body image, negative self talk, weight.

Lately I have not been super nice to my body. My weight shifted slightly again and I’m very disappointed in myself and my ass. I don’t want to be losing weight at all.

I’ve been looking at my body and tend to be thinking shitty things about it. I’m mad because my ass is not as full as I want. Because the random perimenopause bloat means I’m never totally sure what will fit. I’ve been in a lot of pain lately, new pain, different pain and I’m mad about that.

Ugh.

I feel a need to confess some things so y’all understand what I’m struggling with.

My personal idea of the Ultimate Shannon Body isn’t really like a thin body type. Frankly, when I’m much smaller than I am now, I’m mad uncomfortable.

What would make me the happiest would be to be built like a beefy, big titty having, brick shithouse.

Basically, my ideal is all muscle under my chub (my body does not do serious body fat reductions without a lot of harm) with big boobs.

I know how to achieve that. The how isn’t really a problem. The problem is that doing so causes me a bucketful of other problems. That much exercise exacerbates my insomnia, low blood sugar issues etc. It’s just not really worth the toll it takes.

I know that intellectually.

Emotionally, I want it.

Emotionally, I want to resume what I used to do to deal with my feelings. Soul crushing, punitive work outs.

Once upon a time I worked out mainly to punish myself for feeling things. I made my body suffer so I wouldn’t necessarily have to deal with my emotions. That is not okay and was a huge problem for me. It was another way to turn my aggression inward and often I’d wind up having trouble walking because of my knees and ankles, pulled muscles, falls nothing good.

What I’m going through now is emotional.

These are the type of feelings that for me can lead down a real dark path. Disordered eating, depression, etc.

So what do I do?

Instead of muscling, pun intended, through it I’m thinking about it. I’m letting myself have these feelings and examine them.

For right now, there are non brickhouse baby things I’d like to do.

  • Relearn how to bellydance
  • Increase my flexibility
  • Decrease some of my pain as I can

The thing that gives me pause is the potentiality of weightloss I don’t want. Also the cost. I need a sports bra, those are expensive as fuck cause big ass titties. I’m not going to get a gym membership, too much temptation for going balls out.

So what I’m going for is harm reduction. Lately I’ve been doing some power walking (YAY) and light stretching. I am looking for a flexibility training thing to do, we all know I still hate yoga.

I am going to do my level best to take it easy on myself.

Right now, I’m doing what feels okay and not like it is putting myself in harms way. I feel kind of okay about all of it right now. I’m still bitter about my body not being the same fat body I was in love with. I’m bitter about having pain that I can’t really do much about.

My main goal here is emotional soothing rather than physical change. Some extra flexibility is great, but peace of mind is better.

We’ll see how it turns out.

I feel better already.

 

Adventures in Aging- Perimenopause and Meeting Crushing Fatigue

I wrote a little essay about my adventures in Perimenopause. You can check it out on Medium here.

So this will be a new feature here.

First, what is perimenopause?

This is what my browser says:

pe·ri·men·o·pause
[ˌperēˈmenəˌpôz]

NOUN

  1. the period of a woman’s life shortly before the occurrence of the menopause.

Um shortly, that is some bullshit. This can last from 5-15 years.

Currently I think I’m about in full year two or so.

Whatever.

Can we talk about the symptom they call crushing fatigue?

For the background, I’ve had sleep disorders for my entire life. I’m talking from toddlerhood on up. I’ve dabbled in about everything to help:

Things I have tried:

  • Drugs- legal and not
  • Herbs- legal and not
  • Sleep hygiene. 
  • Yoga
  • No screens/sensory input for various times before bed.
  • Giving up caffeine/any stimulant
  • White noise
  • No noise
  • Ear plugs
  • Eye masks
  • Exercising up to 3-4 hours a day and/or 2 times a day.
  • Masturbation
  • Intermittent fasting
  • Juice “cleanse”
  • Vegan diet
  • Raw diet
  • Weight loss
  • Long walks
  • Meditation
  • Alcohol
  • No alcohol
  • Not eating before bed
  • Eating before bed…

So yeah. Pretty much all the things. At worst I walk around sleep deprived enough that it would be extremely unsafe for me to drive if I did, and everything is awful. Frankly, I’m kind of used to that and I can function. It’s not always great and when things are extra special bad, my hands shake and I’m pukey and crazy.

In my research when I first saw the crashing/crushing fatigue symptom I was like, oh bitch please I got this.

Y’all….

My reproductive system was like:

bitchwat

Image of Katt Williams looking disgusted, text reads “When someone says something stupid” on top. On the bottom it says, “Bitch what?”

SO..um.

Right.

I’ve been tired. I’ve been hospitalized for exhaustion. I’ve walked (and worked) while hallucinating due to exhaustion.

I have never felt like this in my fucking life.

Some days, getting out of bed is a battle. Riding the bus, I feel like I might nod out like a junkie. I am just, so fucking exhausted.

It’s the brain fog and the body feeling like I went ten rounds with somebody.

I’m doing what I can but damn y’all.

I’m trying to do shit and my brain is like:

dump-fire-3

Photo of burning tires.

My brain is a burning tire fire.

Thus the blogging is a bit slow because I really only have the stamina for a few things.

Y’all shit is not cute.

That said. I’m dealing with other stuff fairly okay. My skin has changed and I’m working with it. I’ll make a post about that later.

I’ve started the occasional bonus periods. Spotting. Bloating, y’all the fucking random bloating. It’s a good thing I already prefer a good stretchy waistband cause shit is real.

I’ve been experimenting with my nutrition and whatnot as well. So I’m doing stuff, I don’t want to do hormone therapy.

There will be more adventures in aging posts. The next time it’ll likely be a skin post since my skin has been doing the absolute most.

 

 

 

What has been seen…Oh Dani no. CN: rape culture, anti fatness, patriarchy

Many of you may have seen around the internets today that Playboy model Dani Mathers  “accidentally” publicly snapchatted a naked women (who was unaware she was being filmed or watched) with the charming caption:

If I can’t unsee this you can’t either.

Head over here to Good House Keeping to view the story and the photo (I am so glad the photo has been censored) and you can see Ms. Mather’s shitty I got busted fauxpology.

First, let’s establish a few things.

While in some states it might not be strictly illegal to do what she did, it is a fucked up thing to do. As someone who makes money off of her image she should know that first and foremost (because obviously morality didn’t come to play here) that shit is expensive. How mad would she be if her highly valuable image was distributed in this manner without her consent or a paycheck?

Second of all. She is doing exactly the same type of shit that MANY women talk about. Her behavior is dangerous, creates an explicitly unsafe space for someone she apparently doesn’t think is fuckable or based on her ideas of what an acceptable body is. This is the shit that many women rage against strange men doing, this is the type of predation that bathroom scare folks believe trans people will do in bathrooms, THIS is the type of behavior that keeps a lot of people out of the gym.

Now onto the “apology”.

“I just wanted to acknowledge a photo that I accidentally posted on Snapchat earlier today and let you guys know that that was absolutely wrong, and not what I meant to do. I have chosen to do what I do for a living because I love the female body and I know that body shaming is wrong and that’s not what I’m about, that’s not the type of person that I am. That photo was taken to be a personal conversation with a girlfriend, and because I am new to Snapchat, I didn’t realize that I had posted it and that was a huge mistake.”

Ahem.

I call entire bullshit on this.

First of all, it wasn’t a fucking accident. I don’t use snapshot, but I don’t think you can accidentally film and caption things without going through some steps.

Second bullshit. “Not what I meant to do” so, what WERE you doing? If you take a photo and use a phrase like can’t be unseen, what you are saying is that by seeing (I saw the uncensored version) the naked body of a not really fat, but average woman at a sink presumably washing her face or something, you have been traumatized.

If we infer why, it’s because holy shit GROSS A PERSON WITH A BODY THAT IS NOT DESIREABLE TO YOU IS DOING SOMETHING HOLY SHIT YOUR LIFE IS RUINED.

Right?

Now let’s note she isn’t sorry for insulting the anonymous naked woman or her body. She LOVES the female body so much she instead says this, “That photo was taken to be a personal conversation with a girlfriend-“

She’s sorry for getting caught being a judgy douchebag.

One of the reasons I personally stopped going to gyms are people like her. Luckily for me there were no camera phones at the time, but, I more than once found myself changing or shaving my legs or whatever at the gym only to find (usually) thin White women laughing, staring etc.

This is why so many people fat and not won’t exercise in public. Won’t go to the gym.

This is where we put the lie to the idea that people like Ms. Mathers ” I love the female body”.

No if people who ever use the phrase “I love women’s/female bodies” it should be qualified with the truth of the statement. They almost always “love” the bodies they find fuckable.

The use of love is not in the caring, I hope your life is a wonderful type of way. It is in the manner that means, you deserve to live/be because you are STILL desirable. I’d fuck you so your life has value.

So not only is Ms. Mathers replicating patriarchal heterosexist behaviors. She has now deleted her twitter so I can only imagine but come on.

I will say again what I’ve been saying for years. This type of behavior is not demonstrative of any kind of good or the lovely kind of love.

It is a kiss followed by a slap.

If you love someone, you wouldn’t want to humiliate them publicly OR privately.

If you support folks with all kinds of bodies workin on their fitness, you would not want to humiliate them publicly OR privately.

If the immediate justification is something like, OMG IT IS MAH OPINION well your opinion is shitty. I do not believe that opinion that actively harm people are just as okay as opinions that don’t. Fuck that.

Think it if you want to or need to, but understand that I don’t think it need airtime.

And let’s not forget how many fucked up ways doing this sort of thing violates consent and is fallout from rape culture that says that any woman doing anything anytime is fair game.

Rape culture indicates to us who are or present as women that we are always fair game. Whether it is for fap material for random dudes or to be humiliated we’re supposed to just accept it. Now this, this behavior is emblematic of that aspect of rape culture and I hope she’s thinking about it.

Dani Mathers violate another woman in multiple ways. She only apologized for getting caught doing it and I hope she’s having to deal with the ramifications of her behavior.

I sincerely hope that this is a learning thing for her. I hope that she’ll have the time and space to really dig into why she thought it would be so funny to shame this other woman at the gym. About why she thought it was totally okay if it was private. I hope she learns how to apologize for real. I hope she starts thinking about what consent means, especially in terms of being involved in the adult industry and how she can maybe learn to take consent more seriously.

 

 

Wig Review-Janet Collection Synthetic Hair Wig Helen

Okay my loves.

If you don’t know I’m growing my hair and using wigs as a protective style. I’m a HUGE wig lover and have a wee little collection and I wanted to do some reviews.

So let us begin.

First wig up on the block is the Janet Collection Synthetic adorable bob called Helen. I got her in the shade red velvet.

(Affiliate links in this post for Amazon AND I will be adding a wig section to my Amazon store cause what dream beauty supply wouldn’t have wigs?)

Here’s how the photo looked when I first saw her:

catalog

Image of a light skinned Black woman wearing a blonde and brown bob cut wig.

Okay, so here is a secret about me. Even though I’m on my way to growing out fairytale length hair, I LOVE a good sharp bob. I don’t know what it is but nothing makes me feel all Villanous Bad Bitch than a good bob. I picked the lovely bright red with black roots ombre and here is how she looked on me.

meinhelen

Close up view of a brown skinned Black woman wearing dark brown lipstick and a black and red wig.

helen

Front facing shot of a dark brown skinned Black woman in square glasses and a black and red wig.

I KNOW my photos. Not the most awesome because my phone is hella old. Deal with it.

So right out the box I wasn’t super into the fullness of this wig. The density of the hair is fairly thinnish so I was a bit disappointed but, I think I only paid like 19 dollars or something for it so, why be mad?

The ONE thing that eventually became a deal breaker was the weird cap construction.

See here:

wigcap

Inside shot of a wig cap with two combs placed along a center part.

Okay, so here’s my issue with this. I wear wig caps and a wig slip (more on that later) if you are wearing a wig cap there’s no way to secure those combs comfortably. I tried it without my cap and wig slip on and I found it very uncomfortable and it pulled at the roots of my hair along my center part.

Also on this unit as a few other reviews I saw mentioned, the wig cap itself is a bit big. Good news if you have a poofier style underneath or if you have a big head. For me, after a few good wears it stretched out enough to be not as easily securable.

I did LOVE the color. Normally when I go for red hair I opt for more of a dark, or bloody type of red. Something blue based and deep. This color is way pinker than I’ve worn and I loved it.

So I’m going to give Helen 7/10. Beautiful color, decent hair quality. Though, I don’t go for realness. I don’t give a shit if people know it’s a wig. So if you want realness this hair was not real looking at all for people who know.

There wasn’t a whole lot of shedding and was really nice to wear for a few weeks.

Overall, if you want a good throw on style or if you want a back up wig this is a good one. This is a great wig to experiment with that cut shape or with some color.

Next time I’ll review a very popular wig and we’ll talk about how I decided I don’t mind fake ass hurr.

Beauty Con BFF Box Review.

I got my latest Beauty Con BFF box and though my first two were absolutely win, this one fell pretty flat for me.

wrapper

Image of an open box with black and white tissue paper.

Just like every other beauty surprise box after a couple the inevitable thing happens.

Most of the box is useless to me.

inside

An image of an open box showing a moisturizer, lip product, makeup brush and other cosmetic boxes.

The one thing I was pretty excited to try out the (affiliate link ahoy) Smashbox Brow Tech Powder.  I actually squeed when I saw it because it’s a product I would probably never buy for myself because I don’t do that much with my eyebrows but there it was. And they sent it in the second to lightest color taupe.

A couple of items in I noticed that this box is what I call the not for Black ass me type box.  There is some salt spray shit for hair, a facial self tanner, the taupe brow stuff. This Nyx Ombre lip thingy yeah. The lip liner bit is a very orangey red which isn’t really my jam and the other end is a coralish color that just does not look good on me. I might have liked it in another color but wah wah.

The one thing I’m actually pretty into is this Garnier Skin brightening daytime moisturizer. I had just been looking at skin brightening stuff and voila. I had this product on my list and I am about out of my Cerave daytime stuff so I’ll review that in a month.

Really the thing is, just like every other service not explicitly marketed to POC, I wind up with a this is not for you type box.

I’ve had the same problem repeatedly with Sephora and their occasional mystery bags and even with the VIB sample things. For instance. In my last Sephora order one of the things you could redeem points for was a delux sample size of the Clinique Concealer I’ve been wanting to test out.

I picked up a sample of the Beyond Perfecting Foundation + Concealer and they sent it in Alabaster. ]

This is an issue I took to Sephora before. Last year I purchased a sample set and even though I selected the darkest options, everything was for people pale tan and paler.I called and emailed and they apologized but my main point was why did I fill out a whole profile thing and still get what is presumed to be the default?

Now Things Not for my Black ass boxes are why I stopped getting them for a while.

My suggestion for these companies could be pretty easily integrated. Let customers like myself opt out of certain products. Don’t send me hair stuff. I have natural hair and yeah no please no.

If I say my skin is dark, don’t send me a self tanner.

It makes me very tired at almost 40 years old to know that these wildly popular things, aren’t grown up acknowledge the diversity in their customer base and behave accordingly. Yes, kumbaya we all love beauty and OMG LIPSTICK YASSSSSS GIRL!

But we are not all porcelain skinned folks.

And it’s okay!

It is in fact pretty freakin wonderful.

All this said, my first two BeautyCon BFF boxes were amazeballs. The one curated by uh,GRAV3YARDGIRL from youtube, stellar. I don’t remember who curated my first one, also really great.

The secret to the exceptional box is that it’s not full of products that only work for a short range of skin tones.

It doesn’t make a big deal about it.

Instead of hair products, do gift cards.

You know?

Being that the BFF box is quarterly I may or may not get another one. Truth is I don’t have a lot of money to spend on sparkly Femme stuff so when I do, I like it to count and with this box I just feel like it was a waste of my money.

All this said let’s talk about a few other of the products inside.

The first thing I tried was this LA Fresh Nail Polish Remover pad. The description from the website says:

Say bye-bye to the nail polish removers that are harsh on the nails as wells as on the nose. Say hello to a fresh scent and healthy nails with our Tuscan Orange acetone free nail polish remover pads, that conditions and remove polish on all ten nails with just one pad. Travel friendly and spill-proof.

I was skeptical because it was one pad that felt kind of dry, but, one pad did indeed remove ALL of my burgundy nail polish and left my nails feeling nice and moisturized.

nails

Image of brown fingers with long oval nails against a black satin background.

At 11$ for 20 I actually would probably buy these.

The next product I found was the Neutrogena Ultra Light cleansing oil. First of all, it was not taped and it leaked so everything was greasy. This was a timely thing as I’ve been doing research and started using an oil cleanser to remove my make up. The description from Ulta says:

Neutrogena Ultra Light Cleansing Oil completely cleans skin and removes makeup, even waterproof mascara, with no greasy residue. This lightweight formula contains a blend of fine oils that act like a magnet to effortlessly and effectively extract oil and impurities. Leaves skin feeling soft and healthy every day.

If we look at what is in it:

Mineral Oil, Isopropyl Isostearate, C12-15 Alkyl Benzoate, Polysorbate 80, PEG-8 Caprylic / Capric Glycerides, Sorbitan Trioleate, Polyglyceryl-3 Diisostearate, Caprylic / Capric Triglyceride, Water, PEG-6 Caprylic / Capric Glycerides, PPG-10 Cetyl Ether, Benzyl Alcohol, Fragrance, Propylparaben, Butylene Glycol, Glycerin, Rosmarinus Officinalis (Rosemary) Leaf Extract, Camellia Oleifera Leaf Extract.

Bolding mine. There are few ingredients that I absolutely do not ever use and mineral oil is one of them. Mainly because it forms a barrier on your skin and is hard to get rid of and keeps your skin from getting nourished otherwise. I don’t use it on anything I put on my body, especially my face or scalp. Do some googling and make up your own mind, but really no.

I’ll do a whole other post on my new cleansing routine in another couple of weeks.

Overall 2.5 stars. I like the deluxe sample of the Better than Sex Mascara the Nyx Chubby eye pencil in Cashmere I think is okay. Nothing great.

So yeah. Meh.

A couple of notes here at the end.

To help me save up for a tablet I’ve started my amazon affiliate store over. Hand picked beauty, books and coming soon gadgets and foods. Feel free to cruise through amazon using that link cause baby loves pennies. Find that here.

That’s it for now my darlings. I’ve got a wig review coming, some thoughts on buying make up and some skin care stuff.