Content Warning: Body image, negative self talk, weight.
Lately I have not been super nice to my body. My weight shifted slightly again and I’m very disappointed in myself and my ass. I don’t want to be losing weight at all.
I’ve been looking at my body and tend to be thinking shitty things about it. I’m mad because my ass is not as full as I want. Because the random perimenopause bloat means I’m never totally sure what will fit. I’ve been in a lot of pain lately, new pain, different pain and I’m mad about that.
I feel a need to confess some things so y’all understand what I’m struggling with.
My personal idea of the Ultimate Shannon Body isn’t really like a thin body type. Frankly, when I’m much smaller than I am now, I’m mad uncomfortable.
What would make me the happiest would be to be built like a beefy, big titty having, brick shithouse.
Basically, my ideal is all muscle under my chub (my body does not do serious body fat reductions without a lot of harm) with big boobs.
I know how to achieve that. The how isn’t really a problem. The problem is that doing so causes me a bucketful of other problems. That much exercise exacerbates my insomnia, low blood sugar issues etc. It’s just not really worth the toll it takes.
I know that intellectually.
Emotionally, I want it.
Emotionally, I want to resume what I used to do to deal with my feelings. Soul crushing, punitive work outs.
Once upon a time I worked out mainly to punish myself for feeling things. I made my body suffer so I wouldn’t necessarily have to deal with my emotions. That is not okay and was a huge problem for me. It was another way to turn my aggression inward and often I’d wind up having trouble walking because of my knees and ankles, pulled muscles, falls nothing good.
What I’m going through now is emotional.
These are the type of feelings that for me can lead down a real dark path. Disordered eating, depression, etc.
So what do I do?
Instead of muscling, pun intended, through it I’m thinking about it. I’m letting myself have these feelings and examine them.
For right now, there are non brickhouse baby things I’d like to do.
- Relearn how to bellydance
- Increase my flexibility
- Decrease some of my pain as I can
The thing that gives me pause is the potentiality of weightloss I don’t want. Also the cost. I need a sports bra, those are expensive as fuck cause big ass titties. I’m not going to get a gym membership, too much temptation for going balls out.
So what I’m going for is harm reduction. Lately I’ve been doing some power walking (YAY) and light stretching. I am looking for a flexibility training thing to do, we all know I still hate yoga.
I am going to do my level best to take it easy on myself.
Right now, I’m doing what feels okay and not like it is putting myself in harms way. I feel kind of okay about all of it right now. I’m still bitter about my body not being the same fat body I was in love with. I’m bitter about having pain that I can’t really do much about.
My main goal here is emotional soothing rather than physical change. Some extra flexibility is great, but peace of mind is better.
We’ll see how it turns out.
I feel better already.