Thoughts on Poverty

I’ve been checking/redoing our household budget. I know there is a rent increase coming in February and I don’t foresee an income increase.

Y’all.

Going strictly by calculators of how much one is “supposed” to pay to live, I “overspend” (a site actually said that) on life. By life I mean rent, bills for stuff like trash collection, medications, you know actually staying alive.

For my “fun” budget I include our good internet, both of our cell plans (mine with recently upgraded data), sometimes stuff like socks, underwear, etc

I’ve done a lot of the things they tell us poor folks to do in order to save and yank ourselves up by our bootstraps. My entertainment budget is less than 20$ a month. We don’t really go out. I know how to budget and stick to it.

I’ve been doing this my whole adult life.

Lately, I keep going over my math. I’m trying to figure out how much more income I actually need in order to make us at least comfortable, and then I realize I don’t know what comfortable is.

Currently I’m able to pay my bills on time, have our Netflix, get a fancy coffee once a week or so, I am able to save up for X months for skincare or make up or bath stuff. We can get the good Thai food (cheap and tasty) in our neighborhood sometimes, sometimes if the stars align I can buy the type of food I like to eat for lunch instead of what fits the budget.

What would better look like?

In the context of say, living. What would be better? I can hardly picture it and that bothers me.

Let’s talk about places to live.

Right now all I can think about for a place to live is that I know I can afford to pay the rent. That’s where we live.

I wonder what it would feel like to choose a place because it contributed to our quality of life? Or because it has the stuff I desperately want in an apartment AND I can afford it AND it is in a nice place and I don’t have to complain about it being pitch black in the stairwell or deal with randomly left behind cleaning/construction shit or climb 6 flights of stairs.

I want to visualize these things because every little bit help and some woo might help me. But, all the visualizations do is make me sad.

I get embarrassed because I look at say a couch, a decent couch that I think looks comfy and instantly, I am like yeah no. I instantly wonder how many things from my Etsy shop, things I need to sell, how many donations it would take and how I could spend that money on medication, food, phone bills etc.

This is also one of the things about being a poor person, I don’t see discussed often enough. the emotional toll.

As recently as a month ago I was looking at mattresses. We need a new bed. Desperately. The one we have is about 15 years old and was not good to start with. I had a panic attack. A really bad one. I didn’t know how much they are supposed to cost, I couldn’t really tell what a good one would be, then there was the wallop of guilt because we need one so badly.

If you’ve been here for a bit you know my partner is disabled and I know for a fact that a better bed would help him be in less pain and the despair and guilt I feel over not being able to provide that is just overwhelming sometimes. The days when I can’t pay for his medication to be reupped or when I realize that if I MADE/HAD more money I could afford better food and ALL I could do-it hurts.

I often have to ask my friends if X price is a good one for pants or shoes or whatever and I’m always embarrassed. I’m almost 40 and I don’t know how much a “good” pair of pants should cost.

Just lately this has been weighing very heavily on me.

I had a meltdown because I waited 20 minutes too long to check out of Kmart online on Black friday and the pants I needed were gone.

These are the reasons I do so many little hustles. Bing rewards, Swagbucks (referral link), InboxDollars,  Shopstyle, and why I have the Amazon Store (aside from it fulfills my weird dream to have an everything Shannon Likes store) . Logically, I know that none of these things will pay for me to get my teeth fixed, or keep partner and me in socks and underwear but it soothes some of my poor folks shame.

Another way I’ve been trying to deal with this is that I started a fundraiser. I know a lot of folks frown on crowdfunding but I really just need the little boost. So far things have gone better than I thought they would.See it here. Please share the link, we need it.

At the end here, I want to put this into the universe.

Give me an economic break Universe. Let me win one of the grants I applied for, let some rich, bored person see my gofundme and throw money at it, let something change and please let me stop feeling so ashamed and embarrassed.

Thanks for reading.

 

On low key cosplay

A phrase I use a lot when talking clothes is low key or day to day cosplay.

What I mean by that, is creating outfits that evoke, fit in with etc a fictional character or universe. I also use this to refer to my absolute and unrepentant love of costumey clothes.

So basically my personal reason for adding some pieces to my wardrobe.

OKAY, so let’s talk the how.

We’ll use Dart Vader because that is my favorite and I have an outfit handy to show you:

vader

{image description: photo of a brown skinned femme person wearing tall black leather boots, black leather looking leggings, asymetrical black  shirt and cardigan. Also wearing a fluffy black wig and grey lipstick]

OKAY this is what I wore to see Star Wars last week and this was very low key Femme!Vader cosplay.

I thought about okay if I was Vader in this world right now, what would Big Titty FEmme Vader want to wear when it was cold as shit, wanted to feel glamorous and this dark mori inspired look happened.

Get inspired by colors and textures in your favorite worlds and textures.

Just lately I’ve been having Femme!Blade casual desires. What would they wear? I spent WAY too much time cruising etsy because I have a kmart budget and OOAK tastes. Below I’ll drop in a list of links of pieces, accessories and whatnot for my Femme!Blade feels.

The great thing about low key cosplay is other folks don’t really have to get it. I mean, if you get it and it makes you happy awesome. If another geek gets it, also awesome, but not necessary. Personally, it just makes me feel so happy when I’m nerding out to the degree of creating day wear outfits and wearing them for characters I love.

I’m not one for whimsy in the traditional sense, but I also use the low key Cosplay thought when I want to dress like an evil/dead dolly. Or if I’m feeling a little Butchy Old Goth. You see, this is my bend towards being dramatic coming out. I don’t just want clothes, I want costumes that will project how I’m actually feeling.

Let’s be real, given the time, funds and ability I would be so outlandishly dressed 90% of the time and be ever so happy. I think that’s always been on my dream life list. I do feel less anxious and better about myself when I’m able to look precisely how I want to look at any one moment. I realize that a lot of stuff I like I could probably make but, DIY takes time and money. Sometimes it’s cheaper and more accessible to just buy the thing.

I’ll write about this a bit more later on but something about the post Trumpfuckian nightmare has magically erased whatever fucks I had left about how I look to other people. Next week we’ll talk more but it’s a hell of a thing.

I feel like writing about my low key cosplay thoughts helps cement that want in my head. Lifegoal-dress JUST how the fuck I want.

Okay now below find my shopping list that incorporates my Femme!Blade, a little Death Pixie realness, some Creepy Post Apocalypse Witchness.

Another time we’ll talk more about putting nerd in your wardrobe and I’ll present y’all with my dreamlist of nerdy ass clothing. Per usual these are Shop Style Affiliate links-

Mantle coat 

NEW COLLECTION Black Extra Long Leggings / Genuine Leather Front / Viscose Back by Aakasha A05125

Winter Warrior Dress, Handmade in Sizes Small to 5XL.
Stag Beetle Necklace

Dress “Virgo” with asymmetric cut and sleeves with gloves

Knee High Studded Spiked Sneakers

The Witching Hour tunic tank Black with choice of print

RTBU Warm Winter Storm Windproof Punk Rock Stretch Vegan Faux Leather

Redrum Horror Skirt

Black Loose Back Tank Top / Soft Casual Sport Wear

Large Coffin Nail Antique Iron Necklace Goth Macabre Witchy Casket 19th Century Death Funeral

Banshee lace tattered maxi skirt

Punk Torn Distressed Broken Hole Ashy Gray Verdigris Tie Dye Mummy .

Oscar Wilde Inspired Bronze Cameo Necklace

 

Goth Fantasist: Luxe Femme Goth

Welcome to a new feature. Using my shopstyle affiliate links we’re going to pretend that neither cost nor size is ever an issue buying stuff and I want to give y’all a taste of what yours truly would be rocking in the ultimate world.

These are affiliate links and my goal with these posts is mostly to showcase some stuff I think is gorgeous, have some fun with fashion and maybe get some ideas for looks.

Ready?

Okay y’all. This edition we’re gonna go fancy femme gothable designer shit. First up let’s look at some dresses. Click the links to check them out (holy shit them prices tho)

ellenvelvet

[image description: photo of a femme person in a full length loose black velvet dress]

This is a super gorgeous dress.  This comes from one of my favorite designers Rick Owens. Aside from the ability to cheat the size because of that loose fit, you could easily toughen this up with some stompy boots, layer it with some sheer pieces, or shawls. And what Femme Goth wardrobe is complete without a long black velvet dress?

rickowensvelvet

[image description: femme person in a sleeveless just below the knee black velvet dress.]

Another Rick Owens beauty. I’m really drawn to the weird crotch area draping in this dress. I love the length and the idea of pairing it with a tall smooth leather black boot or ankle boots and black leather leggings. Tough it up with a great jacket, shabby it up with a big tatty cardigan.

topshopvelvets

[image description: photo of a black velvet long sleeved skater dress]

This Topshop brand skater dress is one of those that could be styled so many ways. Let’s talk Super Femme girly girl. Pair that with the chunky heeled velvet shoes linked below, some awesome tights and girly accessories and voila. Classic cute. Get tough and pair it with some combat boots (the Jimmy Choo pair below say or some docs ,I linked to some gorgeous ones here), torn up fishnets and leather and boom Grunge Goth babydoll. Masc it up with some chucks or a hot DIY’d black denim vest. YASSSSSSS!

vbeckhamseq

[image description: photo of a femme person in a short long sleeved sequined black dress with white collar and cuffs]

Grown up Wednesday Adams?! YAS look at Victoria Beckham coming through. This is so damn cute, I would go with fishnets and tall docs. And I’d get the shiny leather because I’m kind of extra that way. I love it with the ankle boot as well. Dirty it up with a tatty cardigan and get your super glam KinderWhore on. I love this piece.

Next up let’s look at some shoes. Y’all, I must confess that my first run at this I had WAY too many shoes. I love shoes. I love weird shoes. I love chunky shoes. I love boots BUT I narrowed it down so we’re not here forever.

jchooboot

[image description: black combat boot with flower shaped black embellishments]

UM yo. These are Jimmy Choo. I dunno about y’all but when I hear Jimmy Choo I think super high heels and very pointy toes. Beautiful but not wearable for me. These on the other hand are just so delightful. Get the toughness of a combat boot with those tonal flowers with the little bit of sparkle?

Unf.

balenciagaboot

{image description: Tall black boot with a sqaure toe, there is a black ankle harness detail with a silver ring]

This is the Balenciaga knee high riding boot.I mean..y’all. Y’ALL. These are so gorgeous and Balenciaga is just..I mean..I can’t.

guccisusan

[image description: pointy toed loafers (commonly called winklepickers), there are several silver buckles)

 Gucci Winklepickers. I mean, Winklepickers are a classic and these are just so beautiful. I would wear the HELL out of these.

yslvelvets

[image description: Chunky heeled open toe velvet platform shoes]

I mentioned these YSL pumps up above. Could I find something very like this for eleventy who knows hwo much less? Yes. But look at them, so fine.

And let’s stop there, my poor heart can’t take anymore.

Favorites?

How would you style it?

Have any fantasy stuff you want to share? Drop it in the links.

Until next time.

 

GOOD NEWS!!

Hey, did you click over?

Come on click over.

Some changes are afoot.

Thanks to super generous donors for my Gofundme you are looking at a fully upgraded Auntie Shannon’s!

What does that mean?

Let’s talk about some changes and stuff I have planned.

  1. First up, no more ads I don’t control. I had several instances of TERRIBLE ads and that will be a problem no more.
  2. I’ll be toying with my code here to make my little spot super readable and fast loading.
  3. I’ve got some planned/scheduled posts of various types to look forward to. There will be Fantasy Fashion Fridays (these will include Shopstyle links) and those will be mainly higher end if only type posts. There will be other new stuff I’ve found round ups, make up, wigs, shoes, whatever. More Struggle Bus naturals posts, I’m pretty excited.
  4. I may also branch out into art and music as well.
  5. And of course personal posts.

After some thought, I will not make this an apolitical place because that isn’t really who I am. I won’t be posting strictly politics (of whatever stripe) but they will be present because my personal politics intersect heavily with the things I like to blog about.

I haven’t needed a comment policy yet so let’s keep it that way okay? Just don’t be a jerk.

Now is the time to subscribe or follow, we’re gonna have some adventures!!

That’s it for now.

Surviving and some things.

Now for something completely different.

Let’s talk about what your fave Fine Ass old Auntie is up to?

First, let’s talk about some of my fave cold weather shit cause y’all, it is getting WAY too damn cold already for me because I am a big baby whiny cat who hates to be cold. Affiliate links, ahoy.

Skin stuff first.

For my body skin, colder weather means my butt is just gonna be itchy and dry. I’ve found that I need to not use my liquid African Black soap because it cleans too well and leaves me too dry.

A couple of winters ago when I was still getting Julep boxes, in one of them there was this super fancy shower body cleansing oil. It smelled citrusy and bubbled up and felt overall holy shit amazing. (Not an affiliate link) Lookit this shit here. It is 38 goddamn dollars. THIRTY EIGHT MOTHER FUCKING DOLLARS to wash your ass. Y’all know, I love fancy things. Y’all love fancy things but come ON BRO. Granted, using it was so great. It really made me feel silky all over and I found the scent (I’m not usually a citrus scent person) very light and unisexy.

I’ve been literally pining for something like it for a good year and a half.

Now if you’re like me and you have sensitivey dry persnickity ass skin and you like things that smell nice, this sucks. I used some Etsy whipped soaps (I’ll do a post about those) but I feel like every time I find one I love it gets discontinued or the shops close etc.

SO I’ve found some thangs y’all.

Can we talk about Ulta majorly stepping up their in house brand body stuff?

Ulta house brand body stuff is very nice to me. I really love their body butters.

My first and forever love is the Cocount Cream Moisture-Intense Body Butter. Y’all. It smells deliciously dessert like without being overbearing. It is thick and creamy. My skin LOVES this shit. Pro tip about Ulta brand stuff. They often have amazing sales that are buy 2 get 2 etc. Keep on that shit, get on the newsletter. I just got myself some new tubes because I’m at the bottom of my last one.

For cleansers, y’all. They have a bubbly shower oil cleanser. This is not a drill. I JUST got my first bottle and will report back soon.I also picked up some of their Luxe Creamy wash as well and will report back.

I even have some of their regular bubbly body wash and it doesn’t leave my skin stinging or ashy. If you have some body skin stuff happening, I recommend checking out their house brand of stuff.

So there’s hope if you have sensitive, rage prone skin and you still want to smell tasty. The important thing is to watch out for problem ingredients that don’t agree with you. My personal nemesis is mineral oil. Also pro tip. Try not using products with mineral oil like MANY of the popular and higher end drug store dry skin lotions. Over time it could make your skin dryer because it forms a layer on your skin and further moisture can’t penetrate.

Now some quick n dirty advice.

If you find yourself peely but don’t want to use an oily sugar scrub in the shower invest a few dollars in an exfoliating towel. Don’t spend more than 6-8$. Do not use this more than once a week at first. Use it with something with a nice rich lather. Work it in circles on your skin and then once you’re out of the shower, moisturize with something rich and heavy.

Another easy fix.

Are your feet not…okay? You need two plastic bags, some time, a pumice stone or other rough thing, some oil and some socks. After you bathe, scrub the dead skin off of your feet, rinse and slather them in oil. Put the plastic bags on them, then the socks. Chill out.

Remove, rub extra oil in and voila soft ass feet.

Why am I saying this now?

Y’all, shit is hard out there for a lot of us and I believe in not only surviving the bullshit, but thriving in it as well as we can. So, sometimes we gotta talk about our itchy butts and feeling good.

We may not be okay, but we gonna be as okay as we can be.

In some other side hustle news. If you check out my Amazon store you‘ll see I’ve added some new sections and stuff. With a lot of the stuff, I highly suggest googling to find better prices. So use my shop as a guideline or place to have ideas from AND shop if you’re so inclined.

With that. Take care of yourselves my loves.

 

File Under Musings: Possible Regrets?

If you’re interested in any of my writings about the election check here.

I want to talk about something I had a great interest in and let kind of lapse. Burlesque.

I’m watching a great documentary called Exposed about it and because the people aren’t all cisheteronormative types, it has me thinking and remembering.

My interest in burlesque started when I was probably 7 years old. I idolized Josephine Baker, G*spy Rose Lee, fan dancers, drag queens the whole idea of such flamboyant performative feminity that I didn’t necessarily hook to gender (even back then) really pulled at my heart.

I’ve been in a very navel gazey mood and thinking about how I felt as a lil genderqueer baby potato and wow, those feelings are real and they were valid.

In terms of burlesque, in my early 20s I did some. I was stripping under the table and had a burly q type little act. What sucks about it is that NONE of the people I did it for are actually alive anymore. Damn okay.

I had two acts. One was all about me exploring being a big dick Femme Daddy. I wore a big strap on that I tied to my thigh until I started swinging it about. It wasn’t super refined, I had nobody I felt safe working on it with. My other act was very Super Goth Domme with a lot of shiny vinyl and slinking around menacingly.

In spite of my shyness, stripping and burlyqing on the downlow helped me during a time when my body image was broken.I was constantly battling a deep body dysmorphia that was connected to my anxiety and my eating disorder. I wasn’t totally active in my ED but I wasn’t not. It was a weird time. When I was stripping, I felt a kind of bodily power and physicality I didn’t feel at any other time.

Even when I couldn’t get hired at any of the local strip clubs because I was too chunky or weird shaped or not “Black” (I have a small ass) enough, those under the table (and frankly dangerous) gigs gave me something I didn’t have in my life. I was unable to figure out how to present myself in a way that felt good to me during the day, but sometimes I’d get the call and feel good.

Fast forward a couple of years. I quit DL stripping and only did a few more burlyq things. Then Seattle discovered Burlesque as a thing and I went to some shows. What I found were Thin White Pretty women doing stuff and as I tentatively explored the community both here in Seattle and online, I saw no space for someone like me.

At that point in my life I was not the brave fatass y’all know today. I was shy and hurt, I didn’t have the language to articulate why I felt unqualified to even approach the burlesque troupes/classes aside from Fat, Black, weird. Not “pretty” not any of the famous stars associated with neo-burlesque.

So I gave it up. And over the years I felt quite bitter. I felt cheated because I felt like I had some great ideas. But I felt so uncomfortable even approaching the scene, that I stayed out of it.

My desire to do this particular creative thing has been strongish lately. I have that need to move my body, to create something that isn’t writing that gets into gender, transgression, my weirdness, aging, my body. But, I don’t necessarily want to be part of a lot of what I see. This need also intersects with my interest in making little films.

Looking back over the years now, I do regret that I gave it up. Like bellydancing and a lot of other stuff, I let the constant beating of the cis thin white lady beauty ideal push me out. I also acknowledge and honor that baby me, lil potato big dick femme Daddy me wanted to protect themself and their heart and that’s real too.

Currently I don’t want to put myself back in that place. My experiences with anything to do with movement/dance/etc in Seattle is not great to be honest and what would be good for me, I don’t have access to because work. I’m not really keen to expose myself to that overmuch.

So what do I do?

Right now I’ve been doing a bit of dancing. Nothing serious because baby needs a sports bra and Femme Daddy has tig ole biddies and that shit is expensive.

I twerk while I brush my teeth or wash my face.

Sometimes I think about burlyq things I’d maybe like to do.

Sometimes I daydream about a big burlyq/strip show open to ALL bodies and gender presentations and dream about it just being the Biggest Queerest Most Awesome thing ever.

Sometimes I think if the right opportunity comes i might try to perform one more time.

I’m thinking about it.

If you read all that thanks, I really needed to decompress.

Be safe y’all.

 

 

Oh Such Woe.

Today we’re gonna talk about some of the more irritating to painful parts of being a POC who has an interest in anything Alt. We’ll say Alt as code for all things punk, Goth etc. Subculture, body mods. That kinda freaky stuff.

If you’ve been here a minute you know I’m almost 40 and my interests in Alt flavored fashion and whatnot extends back more than 20 years.

I do live with intersecting marginalizations but today I’m gonna focus on Blackness and how my Blackness intersects with how I experience any Alt community.

Lately I’ve been dabbling in some Alt flavored communities and blogs. I have to laugh a little bit. Though a lot of the crowd is younger, it is still almost just like it was when I was younger. I see a lot of appropriation without any thought whatsoever, that said there’s also been some conflation with things like body mods and funny colored hair being compared to Black folks losing jobs, being kicked out of school etc for wearing their natural hair.

I already had to bounce out of a couple of groups because I’m too tired to be the lone voice. I did it once, tried to explain how choices we make to change our appearance do not equal out to how the appearance of Black folks is policed everywhere. Yes, you may get some side eye if you’re a White person with a shitload of visible mods or with funny colored hair but, you probably won’t be consistently dehumanized, vilified and frankly abused by only slightly closeted racist if you try to do something about it. The two things are not alike.

I think I’d forgotten how much of this being in the Alt community I get exposed to. Casual racist shit (G*psy slurs etc) and the pushback in even asking someone to be thoughtful about calling a look tribal or whatever bullshit.Even the gentlest of p0rodding to be a little more cognizant of stuff causes such tantrums.

This is the shit that put me off of these communities before.

Whether it was an issue of watching blatantly joyfully racist people be tolerated and welcomed because they showed their tits to having to AGAIN talk about why yes Goths don’t have to be thin milk pale waifs, and yes Goths can have kinky curly hair, and YES fat people can be Goths and YES it’s okay that there are many expressions of Gothness and blablablabla.

Maybe I’m just an old cranky Goth but goddamn.

And I tell y’all, if I see ONE more damn time people talk about how open any Alt community is I’m going to pee on somebody’s shoes. That is just not true. There is a veneer of openness and diversity that is often not supported by the White folks in said cultures and communities really doing the work. By doing the work I mean can we not excuse any level of racism? Or can we not when there are folks who are other fuck with them when they say, hey can you not do/wear X thing it hurts me?

Nah son.

Any subculture is just a microcosm of the bigger culture and that needs to be acknowledged.

And while I’m talking, can I say how much Tim Burton fuckin hurt me? Burton has been an aesthetic influence on me forever. And yeah, you know what I KNEW he didn’t give a fuck about POC at all. I knew that. I’ve seen his movies. But, did he really have to say all that?

Fucking A yo. I mean, yeah I know that most of my ALT flavored faves don’t give a fuck about POC. I know that. I just, hearing it so explicitly and so sort of casually just breaks my heart. The complete erasure of my existence in everything I like is hard. It’s what put me off of reading/enjoying a lot of things and it’s not cool. I hate it. It hurts me.

I’m even kind of at the point (again) of stopping reading/following a bunch of Goth stuff I like because there’s just zero representation or even vague nods at there being other Goths than every thin White basic looking White girl in a corset. Like…it is 20 fuckin 16 can we not?

All this said, I will be making more Gothy/subculture posts cause why not?

Next up I’ll try to do a photo/step by step make up tutorial for my favorite Gothy easy look for brown skin. We’ll see how I do.

 

 

London Fog Thames Boot Review

Hello darlings.

Today I want to share just how adult I have been lately. I had a 25$ Amazon gift card sitting around and I’d fully intended on buying (amazon affiliate links ahoy) this. There are few things I love more than lounging about in my house in awesome jammies.

However, I’ve spent a bunch of time so far this Fall figuring out which of my shoes are waterproof and which aren’t. 90% of them are not. I walk everywhere so that was not a good look.

My Black Docs still aren’t fucking borken in. I love them but they sure are the devil. So I decided to buy my first pair of grown up ass rain boots.

I did not buy the bullshit printed wellies that bust at the seams a few weeks in. I bought legit Rain. Boots.

I bought these. Click here to see on Amazon.

boot

[image description: image of a tall shiny black rain boot]

This is the London Fog Thames rain boot. Most places they run between 60-70 dollars. I would not pay that much. I think the Amazon price is right.

Out of the box they smell funny like all rubber things. They arrived packaged okay, nothing stellar.

The boot itself is very well constructed, the rubber is nice and flexible. There is a cloth lining that is fairly warm. The fit is pretty spot on a 7. I feel like if I wear super thick socks they might be a bit tight. If you like to wear two pairs of socks, maybe size up.

The calf is listed as being 16 inches around. That seems pretty accurate to me. They still went on easily with thick socks and leggings. If your calves are on the thicker size these will likely not work for you.

I’m not a huge fan of rain boots in general, but I can work with these. Tall socks and leggings are the name of the fall game.

It took me a while to find a pair I liked. I might or might not look for some printed ones. I won’t say these are better than awesome jammies, but they are a distant third.

If these will fit your calves I’d say it’s a good deal. There are some other colors and a dark floral print. Overall I’m gonna give these a 4.5 mainly because they aren’t quite tall enough in the foot to wear with my insoles so take a half a star for that.

I was going to attach a photo of the boots in action but, nope.

Take my word for it I look super cute.

The Aging Goth in Fall- Outfit breakdown

Hello. I performed a week or so ago with a group of QTPOC writers and let’s talk about my fashion.

Behold, old Goth in Fall:

ootd

[image description: photo of a black person in a plum.brown wig, wearing glasses. their outfit is all black, a black tee shirt, a black velvet mini skater skirt, black tights, black thigh high socks and black tall sneakers]

About my hair, I’ll do a FULL review soon.

So the outfit I was originally going to wear some layers of lacy dress+skirts but the forecast was windy and stormy and we had a bit of a walk to get where we were going. This y’all is very close to what I liked in the early 2000s. I definitely was going for some Daria vibes along with some cute flirty realness.

And if I’m going to keep it 100 my other outfit was also matched to different hair.

I accidentally (GOTH PROBLEMS Y’ALL) grabbed my terrible control top tights which was a mistake. Y’all, if you are at all prone to any type of bloating DO NOT DO.

That aside, I have to say for a this was not my plan outfit I felt pretty cute.

Can we talk about this being a poor goth miracle?

The shoes. The sneakers are Demonia Tyrant boot. They are from a few seasons ago. My Partner Uniballer spotted a single pair in my size on Amazon a few years ago and snatched them up for like 25$. They have a steel toe and buckle up the back, I LOVE them. And y’all know I have a love/hate relationship with Demonia. These made up for some duds.

The outfit was a win.

Now I want to switch gears a little bit.

A while after I posted my outfit on tumblr, I saw it pass by in my feed and was taken aback. That’s me? That small person is me? I’m experiencing some level of WTF in regard to seeing my body clothed or no in mirrors or photographs.

My weight has been stable for about a year now and I’m still very startled to see that my thighs aren’t the same size as they are in memory. It’s a minor type of dysphoria that I believe (after a long talk about it with my Wifey) a big part of it is that 95% of my clothes are too big. Every pair of pants I own is held up by my favorite personal hack (an elastic band headband looped through the front belt area cause I don’t own a belt) and they only have the illusion of fitting.

It’s rare that I wear things that fit the body I have now and I think because I only see my body in terms of loose/baggy clothes, when I see it in form fitting or things that just fit properly my poor lil mind is kinda blown.

If I’m going to be honest, I don’t like how weird and small I look in photos. I don’t think this dislike will evolve into something harmful. Right now I’m uncomfortable and it’s okay. Sometimes, our bodies will do stuff and it’s weird and it’s okay to be unsure if you like it or not.

I’m hoping that if I can get some basic clothes that fit I’ll feel better.

I’m also going to try to take more outfit pictures because for me, exposure works. I feel weird about my body so I need to see it this way more.

Okay I think that’s it for right now. Next time we’ll talk about shopping for leggings when you don’t have awesome leggings money, wearing printed leggings and ways to find leggings that will work with your particular booty.