As the partner and I are settling into our new home I’m starting to have some optimism about an increase in our quality of lived life and by extension I’ve been thinking about things I want to do for my health, my skin care, everything.
I really am looking forward to purging more stuff so I can start over. I’ve replaced some of my skin care and make up. It feels strange to actually have a do over in reach. After probably another grand in bills and moving costs I’ll be able to really get started.
A few days ago I realized that this feeling, this desire to make home is very overwhelming to me. At 41 years old, I have never felt like I had the right to make myself a real home. I’m anxious about it, I’m terrified honestly. I have to ask my partner a million questions. I ask him about how much things cost. If it is reasonable for me to want something for our home. If it is okay.
I’m looking at things for my home that I like. That will make it feel cozy and like I belong here.
When that is not something you grew up feeling, or have been poor enough to either be houseless or have housing insecurity, it is scary.
There is a local to me indigenous blanket maker(s). I was looking at their website the other day and saw this blanket. I can picture it on the wall in my entry hallway, right across from the door. The fact that I can see it in my mind is astonishing to me. I am thinking about having art. Having pretty things that mean something to me.
This feeling extends to my bathroom. I’ve been thinking about moving most of my make up stuff to palettes because of how I want storage to be. I’m thinking about the galaxy shower curtain I found and having a beautiful galaxy, pink, purple and black bathroom.
I’m hopeful and scared.
I find home set up terribly intimidating and I swing from wanting many shiny household items to being terrified and not wanting any. What kind of towels do I buy? Should I get the nicer rice cooker? What about kitchen shit? I don’t know.
A new set of anxieties is settling in. Things that cost money that I have to replace. I’m going to need to replace my phone sooner than I wanted to. I still haven’t gotten a new ID. The cost of stocking up on our health shit, cost cost cost.
I’m overwhelmed and exhausted and afraid but, I have this hope that things will level out.
I’ve gotten my skin care somewhat put back in order. My skin is recovering from the stress and frankly I wasn’t taking great care of it. Currently I’m about that glow up. I’ve switched from foundation to something else, review coming in a few weeks and my skin care routine has settled back into my bedtime process.
I’m still feeling pretty unsettled and low key freaked out. I have extra bills and our budget is looking a better. Living inside those two things is weird and hard.
In other news, if you are in Seattle/area I’ll be reading at Margin Shift later this month. Come through.