On Returning to Self

Hello darlings. I still exist.

CW on this entry for frank discussions about covid fueled anxiety and depression. Some not great mental health stuff. If you start to feel bothered please feel free to bounce.

Okay.

Full disclosure I have not been well. At the best of times I’m a shitbucket of anxiety and feelings and twitchiness. Everything added to my regular shit really knocked me down. I’ve been so anxious and weird. I’ve been too overwhelmed by my own feelings about Teonna and the protests and stay home.

Back in April I knew I didn’t feel right. Generally in life I already do a lot of the protocols that have been recommended. Mask wearing has been a challenge but I got it figured out but, in my head I felt like everything was too precarious. I was terrified of the endless possibilities for everything awful to happen.

The way my anxiety works sometimes is that I percieve there is a threat or danger. Then my brain goes 100 mph with gigabytes of solutions that range from simple oh hey I can help myself with X by doing X. That is a good adaptation of using my anxiety for good.

And then there’s the bullshit.

Money is or seems like it is tight, my brain starts calculating how much less food I can eat/buy for work and which of my vitamins not to take. I get obsessive about stocking up but also not spending money. Poor kid trauma is fuckin real.

And let me say a word about economic trauma. I have been slept outside because I didn’t have bus fare home poor. I have been afraid about not being able to feed my little fam more than splitting ramen packs. Counting change at the dollar store for 1 pack of ramen and a tin of tuna poor. That is real. Right now, we are not that poor.

Through moving, budgeting and whatnot we are not in reality doing bad financially right now. For my worry, that part of my life is actually going well. That’s part of what got me so fucked up. Other than the rona life isn’t terrible. And then my brain went on a real bullshit ride to fucktown.

One of the first things I noticed about how I was feeling is I lost interest in make up and my clothes. I find a lot of pleasure in how I use my meatbag to express myself. I love my lil casual office goth outfits. I love make up. I love skin care and I just stopped caring.

That was a high sign to me that I was feeling more fucked up than I admitted. Also I was/have been having just a lot of trauma response and the stress of that kind of wrecked me.

So, what to do?

The first thing I did was to allow myself to go through it. I know that is very antithetical to a lot of going discoruse but, for me disallowing myself that humanity is too much a reflection of the misogynoir I live on a daily basis. I wrote a piece a while back about the ways in which Black women are denied humanity and I refuse to do it to myself.

I’ve kept myself safe but I have been struggling.

I started a few weeks ago trying to do what I know how to do. I rely on my self-care methodologies (more on that later) to help myself.

I got back on to my skincare routine. I deep conditioned and oiled my hair. I ordered some faux locs. I started doing research to level up my skin care. I’ve been wearing my cute summer clothes.

Does it cure shit? No.

The reason I’ve been working on my self care this way is because I think I’ve finally learned that sometimes, I’m just gonna be like this. I also started a new journal complete with some great stickers cause I love stickers.

[image description: photo of a black journal with stickers on the front. From the bottom: pink Daddy sticker, a heart shaped Pride sticker with a power fist, upper right the Death tarot card upper left, a round sticker with a black cat]

I’m not doing great. I am improved. I’m not weeping at random moments. I haven’t had a meltdown in the shower in a few weeks or been stuck on the toilet crying. I’m still not right but I’m working on it.

If you made it this far thank you.

And I want to tell you this. if you are struggling you are not alone. Please don’t be afraid to reach out for help. I used some telehealth emergency therapy. You don’t have to perform “strength” because you believe or feel like you’re not allowed to not be doing well.

Don’t wait until it is too late and too hard.

Now my loves. I’ve missed blogging so look forward to some clothing reviews. A hair update. And some other fun stuff.

I love you friend. Please take as good care as you can of yourself okay?

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