I am not an “after”-About Fatness

Folks who’ve known me for a long time to know my weight has fluctuated over the years. Recently someone had a looksy at some old outfit photos of mine and then emailed me to let me know how “proud” they are of my weight change.

Okay, so first of all, do not do that to people. It doesn’t matter how fat someone is or was, unless they ask you mind your damn business. Losing weight, whether it is, on purpose or not is not always something to be applauded regardless of the before. Also, other folks don’t owe you thanks for noticing the size of their ass at all. They don’t. So don’t.

Next thing. I am not a good or bad former fatty. My change in ass size has not changed my body politics or staunch fat acceptance. Actually, no that’s a lie. It’s a hot fucking lie. My stance on fat acceptance, has gotten stronger. The fact that I now reside in an area of privilege where I’m a little smaller than the average American woman, I’m pissed off. It shouldn’t be a privilege for me to now be able to buy 7$ leggings. Or be pretty ding dang sure if I go to Target, there will be at least a few pairs of pants I like or whole lines of clothes I can buy.

My position of privilege means that some makers, now deem my money worthy and will make me a skirt or dress without charging 50$ extra. It means that if I go buy a dress makers dummy, I won’t have to pad it except maybe the boobs. It means that when I go to the doctor, I’m listened to a little bit more. Oh, you lost weight YAY but you still have these health problems? Maybe it wasn’t your weight after all.

Here is where we get body posi graduate level. Rather than looking back at the place where I didn’t have these privileges and wallowing in my relief not to be the face or ass of the bad fatty, I’m pissed off. I want to smash the privilege I’ve slid into because I can see just how shitty it is.

There is zero reason that my smaller ass should mean that suddenly I’m a better, more moral, more trustworthy person. Being less fat, being closer to thinness and having thin privilege by being close to it, did not change my soul.

Now folks who are not fat, I am talking to you right now. Former fatties, I’m talking to you too.

Listen, when we are in this position of having privilege due to proximity to the “ideal” it’s not the time to disappear into the mealy mouthed body posi that pays zero attention to people whoa re really fat. Let’s talk about using our position of privilege as a fucking weapon.

These days when I inquire about sizes, I don’t limit myself to my own size 12ish ass. I ask why doesn’t this come in a size 26? I tell retailers, hey there is a market of folks who want this thing who are above your (insert largest size here). Because of how privilege operates, the response I’ve gotten to these inquiries has been markedly more friendly than they were when I would say things like, I want to give you my money, why doesn’t this come in my size?

That is how privilege works.

Now, as far as my own weight changes, they kind of are what they are. I still don’t really want it. I still am not really okay with the size of my ass, I felt perfect in my body at a larger size, but it looks like this is how things are gonna be so I am making peace with it.

I am enjoying my 7$ “one size” leggings. I am enjoying that I can usually go to big lots and find the size 6 panties I like for super cheap. Those things are great. When I was fatter and didn’t have access to those things, I wasn’t mad at the folks who did, but at the fact that being able to buy a bushel of discount panties is a privilege.

I am angry at a system that magically turns me into a “better” more trustworthy and generally more “worthy” person because my butt is smaller than some other folks.

I am angrier still because, weight changes aren’t moral victories. People who succeed for however long at purposefully losing weight aren’t heroes. It is not some magical morality bullet that turns them into amazing wonderful people. As I said years ago, if you were a fat asshole you’re probably gonna be a thin asshole too.

I don’t want it.

I don’t want jubilant congratulations on something that was not okay with me in the first goddamn place.

I don’t want to be reminded every time I deal with a medical professional that the health problems I have now, had when I was fat, had when I was super thin and have had for decades at this point are suddenly, magically real because my weight changed.

I am not an after shot. I’m not at the midpoint between before and after.

Yes, I live in a body that is often in flux. Yes, my body has changed. Yes, I’ve got some health stuff going on.

No, it’s not actually any of your business. I am not obligated to share my super ass changing secrets. No, I don’t want your speculations about how I’m a whole brand new me. I’m the same weirdo I was when I was fatter.

Can I share with you what weight loss again has not cured?

  • Any-goddamn-thing.

 

The culture of fat stigma has caused me and a whole lot of other people harm. Irreparable, sometimes fatal harm.

The culture of deifying dieting culture and intentional weight loss has done me and a whole lot of people irreparable and sometimes fatal harm.

The refusal of people who claim “body positivity” to extend that to ALL bodies, yes, ALL bodies regardless of size, ability or gender has done irreparable and sometimes fatal harm.

So you know what?

If you are in my type of position of privilege, step up. Don’t leave fat folks behind because you’re basking in the glow of conditional acceptance. The same stigma that follows fat folks, will come for you too.

That’s all for right now. We’ll talk more about it later.

 

IT’S MY BIRFDAY!

Er it was my birthday yesterday.

I’m officially 40 y’all.

If you’d like to read a fbomb laden essay about how I feel about turning 40 click here.

So let’s talk about some shit I don’t like.

It appears my fave milky nude, sheer lipgloss has been discontinued. Maybelline Baby Lips Gloss in Taupe With me. I’m on my last tube. It is a really nice pinky super shiny gloss that was cheap and that I love. It was a cross between the Make up Forever Plexigloss in Sweet Pink and the Mac Nicki Minaj lipglass with a bit of brown and a touch less color. There is something about a milky texture to a lipgloss that I just love.

Other shit I don’t like. I had to shave my armpits (I hate shaving) because I had a rash under lefty and righty was feelin weird. Shaved, treated the skin and things got a bit worse. Come to realize, the pit stick I’ve been using has chamomile in it and guess what I’m allergic to? Yes Petunia I am allergic to chamomile….:( so now I’m vaguely funky because I’m using a natural no baking soda deo that can only do so much while my armpits heal.

Now how about stuff I do like?

Um, so my hair is pink right now. I’m SO into this wig. I feel so cute and Pastel Goth like.

pinkhairs

[image description: Black femme with long pink hair wearing glasses.

This is the FreeTress Equal Delux Lace Front Wig – EVLYN. Y’all. This wig is so great. Quick report, it is thick. The color is gorgeous. Very comfortable. If you want to play with color and like wearing silky straight hair, GET ON THIS y’all.

The next great thing happening. For my birthday I side hustled myself enough money to buy the cutest pair of platform booties on ebay.

boot

[image of a black platform ankle boot]

I got these in my usual size 7. Check them out here. These are fantastic. They are super lightweight, lined in plush leopard print and actually kept my feet warm when it was snowing a little. The upper is super flexible so if you have a bigger ankle they would be easily adjustable. I will say these are actually on par with the boots I got from designer brand YRU a couple of years ago. And I will say the construction is superior. I’ve worn these probably five or six times in snow and rain and they are solid. I wore my YRU platforms three times and the platforms separated from the boot.

What else am I loving? With the warmer weather, I’ve FINALLY gotten to break out some of my dresses. I picked up this little beauty while it was on sale a couple of months ago. I paired it with black tights, a black cardi, and my trusty old docs. Super cute on. No stretch though and my XL strains over my boobs. I’ve got my eye on this beauty right here. I really love this one too.

My current aesthetics as the weather inches towards bare leg season is a little 90s flavored Femme Old Goth. See here:

ootd

[image description: Black Femme wearing from the feet up, black platform ankle boots, black skirt, burgundy sweater with a black tank top underneath]

This year all I want are cute dresses and lots of skater skirts to be honest. Let me show y’all some other things I’m obsessed with.

The Sully Dress. Y’all. I want one so bad. Jersey fabric, I love that cut and style. I could wear it multi season. UNF I NEEDS IT.

I really want to try out some elastic harness things like this. I am intrigued because I have yet to see someone with a body type similar to mine wear one. I love the leather ones better but, leather is expensive and I want to try it out before I commit to an investment piece.

I also find myself in need of more skater skirts.

Right now I have my eye on a few on Amazon. This one for days when I want a nice slightly longer one. Pro tip, for stuff like this from Amazon check the reviews, especially ones with photos.

I’ve also got plans on attaining MORE GALAXY PRINT. Why? Cause I friggin love it. I LOVE this skirt, but that will absolutely not fit me. Well the max stretched measurement would work but only if I already pooped that day, was not bloated at all and had on mega shapewear.

I like to pair my skater skirts with my nerdy tshirts. My favorite of that type of outfit I don’t have a photo of but I paired a Deadpool tee with a floofy circle skirt and my tall docs. I was fucking adorable.

Now that I am officially an Elder Goth, can I tell y’all it would be lit if neither money nor time was an object. Check my pinboard of dream Old Goth fashions.

What else?

I’m considering getting my septum pierced because I want an opal clicker on my face. I’ve also resumed using my pinterest tattoo reference board. I had sort of given up on my body mod dreams because money but I have a little stash of cash I put money in monthly that is specifically for mods so maybe?

Content warning for some creepy stuff, I will be adding to it soon.

That’s all for right now loves.

Regular posting will resume soon I promise.

I love y’all!

Be good!

 

 

 

 

 

The time Betsy Johnson Broke My Heart

A site I like to window shop at sometimes sent me an email about a bunch of Betsy Johnson stuff on sale.

Y’all don’t know this, but Betsy Johnson was the first designer I loved. When I was a lil post teenage potato, the only designer that I ever thought, holy fuck I want to wear that was Betsy.

Back in the 90s, my style was absolutely done what I gotta do with thrift store and hand me downs. Not because it was fashionable, but I was poor and chubby. And then in some magazine I saw Betsy Johnson clothes. It became my big secret dream to have one. Even more than the pretty formal dresses that never fit me, more than the Goth wear I saw in the Retail Slut catalogs I got.

A dress similar to this one was my dream.

My style icons were Grace Jones, Courtney Love, Stevie Nicks, the goth and punk girls I saw randomly. I wanted to wear pleated school girl skirts and boots, I wanted to wear big chunky ass shoes and slip dresses and y’all get it.

I had this vision of Bad Bitch Femme. Glitter and fucked up nails and whatnot.

However, I was not a thin girl. Even at my lowest weights, I’ve always still been a thick girl. Back then, after having a little money for mall clothes, I remember leaving in tears because I couldn’t find things I liked that fit my body. I remember very vividly being in a dressing room in the Limited maybe and trying not to cry and my Mom being impatient because I wouldn’t come out.

So I made it work sort of. I remember convincing myself that well fuck mall clothes anyway and that I just didn’t have the body to wear things I actually liked. And then I started to fake it.

I remember I had this ridiculous outfit, a pair of poop brown mens 70s slacks that I paired with a cream colored long sleeve thermal, boots and a big old fake high long ponytail. I paired it with a super glossy glittery lip and a big ole stripe of liner and it was one of the first times I was like, I am fine as fuck.

My next foray into dressing just how I wanted to was when I went to my first Pride. I want to say it was maybe 1999? I dunno, I’m an old.

So I had thrifted what was probably part of a dance team outfit. It was a fuschia sequinned a line mini skirt with a little keyhole belly cut out and a black ribbon. I saw it buried in a bin at Value Village and fell in immediate love.

I wore it low on my hips with platform sandals and a strappy vintage camisole that was almost see thru. There was glitter on my face (I used to mix my own glittery face powder back in the day, SHUT UP IT WAS THE SHIT) and I had a pixie haircut and y’all, I went alone and it was when I found my bounce.

I did that thing where when I got to the parade, I invoked my runway hoeness and walked it the fuck out. Booty bouncing, titties out, shoulders back, feelin the FUCK out of myself. There was a drag queen handing out sunglasses and she stopped me, put some glitter cat eyes on my face and made me do my runway walk.

I wound up being friends with her but mostly what i remember is this drag queen and some cute gay boys yelling, “WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORK BITCH” and it was the first time in my young adult potato life, I really felt beautiful.

Now around that time I was saving money, all my change, any extra dollars because I wanted to go into the Betsy Johnson store and buy a dress. I got myself gussied up and went in and almost immediately realized that nothing would fit me aside from maybe some earrings or sunglasses or a purse.

I didn’t want a fucking purse.

I remember leaving (AH I was 21 by then) and going to sit in a bar by myself and feel like the grossest human to ever live.

Betsy Johnson just broke my lil heart. I was devastated. I’d worked so hard to save up about 300$ and I even had a plan to take myself out on a fancy date so I could wear whatever I bought.

Now I took that money and wound up in a Hot Topic, ostensibly to buy myself some band shirts or something and I discovered this long black beautiful Gothy dress. It was full length, had a chiffon cape thingy, the big sheer bell sleeves. Sort of this style, but not velvet. The ubiquitous Goth thing.

I found my thing.

I found the thing that opened up fashion to me in a while new way. I realized that my body was not at fault for some stuff not fitting me. That my inability to wear Betsy or shop at 5-7-9 or whatever.

My big point here is this.

Your body is not wrong.

You have to figure out what you’re working with and work with it. Figure it out. The thing is, there’s something like THE big deal thing, you just have to find it.

That said, sometimes you’re still gonna mourn the perfect thing. It’s okay. It happens to all of us.

This post brought to you by this most perfect dress that would in no universe fit my ass.

picture-of-elegance-party-dress_black-multi

Someone please buy that damn dress and then get your photo taken and show me because I think it is so damn beautiful. Betsy, you hurt my feelings again.

 

I See you 2017

Hello darlings.

I hope this finds y’all well as you can be.

Can we talk about 2017?

I keep saying it, but I’ll say it again. I’m turning 40 this year. Holy damn.

Let’s talk the Old Goth at 40.

I’ve given up cheap ballet flats for good. I gave away my last pair with some sadness. I’ve figured out that because of the shape of my feet, I’m best with mary janes with some stretch, my trusty Doc Martens and boots.

And how about some protips?

If you have feet that are more narrow at the heel, Dr. Scholl’s Moleskin Plus. Look for the thicker padding and stick some of this in the back of your shoes. it can help if your heels slip around in shoes, help breaking in shoes AND it even helps breaking in new Docs. Also, y’all. Be nice to your feet. I know shit is expensive, but do take care of them, especially if you are diabetic, or don’t drive.

Next thing. It’s time to start transitioning from my holy shit I’m cold style (lots of layers and leggings and tall socks) to, oh damn I’m kinda cold but getting sweaty.

I am so tired of wearing leggings. Yes, I look adorable in them. I’m giving some major 90s realness with my big sweaters and leggings, but I miss dresses.

I’m so excited about the return of babydolls to go with my skater dresses. I’m a 90s bb and I just LOVE that there are so many affordable options for the cuts I favor and most of them come in black or kinda fugly dark floral prints.

I’m working up a new pin board (shop style affiliate link y’all) with some of the stuff I really REALLY want to be wearing for spring. I have fancy goth aspirations but frankly, I’m really a comfy femme old goth and that’s okay. A lot of what I like you can easily goth up with accessories and styling.

Along with the season change, I’m changing my whole work day. I’m retiring from being a professional night owl and moving back into the daytime worker world. I’m not enthused about getting up at the buttcrack of dawn, I am pretty excited to think that my partner and I will be able to go out and do stuff!

Also, like since I might actually have a life outside of work I need going out wear right?

I want to stop here to make a note of something I’m experiencing in the post Trumpfuckian nightmare.

As things have progressed, I’m settling into this very uh, peaceful rage. I want to pull out all my weapons all the time and that includes my Femmeness. I am walking around with my booty out, back straight and chin up.

I walk around giving fewer and fewer fucks about a lot of things daily. Among them, what anyone ever has to say about how I look, how I work out my gender presentation etc. Not. One. Single. Fuck.

Being that I’ve been unable to wear the amount of dresses I like, I’ve been opting for feeling like I’m representing some beat face rugged Femme Realness and I look quite unbothered.

My go to look aside from big sweaters and leggings and tall socks has been my new FAVE skinny jeans. Y’all, I actually really hate to wear jeans. I don’t like how denim feels on my skin most of the time. I have the Lovesick High Waisted black skinny jeans.* They are super black, very comfy. I’m kind of chunky teenager size and I have these in a size 15 for bloated days (today) and a size 13 for a tighter fit. I do find the legs a bit too long for me and they aren’t as skin tight skinny on me as they are on the model but I actually really like them. I also have the lower rise version and I would actually pay full price for em.

For a jeans hater like me, they are pretty great.

I also enjoy some nerdy tees. Uniballer and I are both big fans of Tee Turtle (good sizing range, variety of cuts, GREAT prices and cute designs).

And as for my make up, I’m back to dabbling in the slightly weird. Today behold my faceballs.

Okay so I’m wearing a big ass wing today. For my big wings I do not fuck around. I use a very very black gel liner. (Affiliate links ahoy) My current hands down fave is the L’ORÉAL Infallible Gel Lacquer Liner 24 Hour liner in Blackest Black. I’ve used eleventy billion kinds of liner and for a big ole super black wing this is my never fail. It is as dark as Mac Blacktrack Fluidline but it’s not 17 damn dollars. A lot of the time I buy them bogo and always have a back up.

Being that I was really not fucking around, I used my Aesthetica Pro Series Lip Brush for my liner. Now I know some of you are like um, but lip brush? No seriously. If you have a big ole eye and love a bigass wing, this type of brush makes things way easier. Also, remember if you have a bigger brush the line is always gonne be chunkier and you may need to go in with a smaller brush to pack product at your lashline. I have like four of that type of brush and they are perfect for me.

Next I did something a lil weird. I put this random (it is in an unlabled baggie so it may have been a prototype or 1 off) bright red eyeshadow right in the inner corner of my eye above the liner line. That wasn’t an accident I did it on purpose. I used a little flat shader brush like the one in this kit on amazon. I didn’t blend I just packed color in there. To pack color on, you want to press press press and not do wiper motions. I really wanted a splotch of friggin red and didn’t put on another color or blend it at all. I used the edge (this takes practice) of the same brush and packed that color on my lower lash line too. I took it to the end of the cat eye liner (I cannot get a good pic) and a little in the inner corner tear duct area. Then I piled on mascara and finished with my fave griege nude lippie.

NYX COSMETICS Lip Lingerie Liquid Lipstick in Honeymoon. I’ve tried both high end and low end liquid matte lippies and the lingerie line is in my top two for comfort and wear.

Then I powdered the shit out of my fave and walked out the door.

I cut my own damn bangs on this wig, I’ve got a rekindled interest in doing less “proper” make up. I don’t give a fuck.

I want to fully inhabit the fuck out of my GenderQueer Chunky Assed Old Gothness.

How I present my outer body is my armor. It is how I survive and how I shore myself up when I’m flagging. Look at my face, I know that not only am I the enemy of many factions who are now in charge that it will chap their collective ass to have me walking around with my head up, not cowering in fucking terror.

So you know what?

Fuck it.

That said, I’m going to resume my little body modification savings fund. Maybe for my birthday I’ll finally get my septum pierced or get a small tattoo.

If you followed me from the blogger days, y’all know every year at the gentle prodding of friends I make a ridiculous wishlist for my birthday. I made one. If you buy me a book PLEASE buy the cheapest copy. I don’t need em brand new y’all. Find that here. 

I am depressed and scared. I’m making some other life changes that are scary but happening. Life is rolling on and I gotta roll with it or get flattened.

Stay tuned for some other major announcements.

If you want to follow my other writing, sign up to my writer newsletter which is really a love letter to my fellow creatives. I talk about art, resistance, trauma, what I’m workin on. Lots of stuff. Check out the archive here and sign up if you’re so moved.

I love y’all.

Take care of each other and yourselves.

Love,

Auntie Shannon

 

 

A few quickie reviews.

I’ve tried out a few new things recently and nothing that needs their own entries so how about some quickies?

Last month I tried out the monthly snack box Graze (my referral link for new folks) basically it’s a monthly sampler of super healthy snacks. It is somewhat customizable with some major caveats. If you’re like me and don’t like nuts that much, there’s not a whole lot on offer. I liked two things out of I think 8 and I gave my partner the other things and he didnt’ care for them much. That said, if you do like nuts I do think it’s a nice deal. If you find yourself in need of snacks at work or whatever, it’s a nice little treat box. I believe right now if you sign up, you can get one free via my affiliate link.

The next thing is the Ulta Ultra Rich hand and nail cream. I have the Coconut almond milk one and y’all. It is 12$ and well worth it to me. The scent is light, not super perfumy and the texture is very rich and creamy without being greasy. This is the hand cream I use at work. I have really super dry hands that crack and this helps keep my hands more supple during the day. If you don’t have super dry skin, this will just feel super luxe and keep your hands the way they are. Don’t expect miracles but it is good stuff.

I’ve been using a new nighttime moisturizer for about a month and y’all…I mean like…so. The NO7 Lift & Luminate Night Cream. Y’all. for 25$ this cream is super rich and feels thick on the skin. I use this last at night and in the month I’ve been using it regularly I’m seeing that my skin is absolutely softer, I have a few patches on my face where I get these irritated thick dry skin over ingrown hairs and this stuff softens that up.I use it all down my neck and onto the tops of my boobs. It is a really wonderful rich cream and it takes only a little bit to go around and the jar will last a while. Like every other goddamn moisturizer, I’d prefer it to come in a pump or tube but yanno.

Now I have to show y’all something that is expensive AF and that I am so in love with it hurts. Like, I did not want to like it, but I friggin love it. The Bite Beauty Agave Lip Mask. From Fall through probably May my lips are super prone to cracking. Doesn’t matter how hydrated I am, if I don’t’ have a cold it is allergies or just how my body is. It hurts and leaves discoloration around the corners of my mouth. Normally at night I use a combo of a good heavy, waxy lip balm (generic Burts Bees type or the Eos balms) with a generous (thick and gross) layer of Rosebud Salve on my lips. I don’t know what the super secret formula of that is, but it works. I like the original flavor.

NOW.

I picked up some samples of the Agave lip mask from Sephora a while back……..holy shit wow.

I don’t care about the colors, I slopped that shit on and know that I mouth breathed all night because I was congested. Not only were my lips supple in the morning there was STILL product on them. Normally I’d tell myself, please don’t buy that shit again, but, I want to keep being able to wear ALL my fave lip looks so I’m likely going to pick some up.

I have some other new skin care stuff I’m trying. I’ve kept my promise to myself and have some really great stuff stashed at home to tryout.

What else is coming up?

I’m putting together a page that will have links to indie POC artists because that is important to me. Keep an eye out for that.

MMm what else? I dunno y’all. Stuff.

Have you tried anything new and awesome lately?

You can tell me.

Kind of Working it Out.

If you’ve been here a minute, y’all know I am not a cold weather person. I don’t fucks with winter. At. All.

My goal for this winter has been comfort, warmth and dry feet. If you know me, you also know I hate pants. Pants as in trousers and I especially loath jeans.

My staple wardrobe items have been as follows (affiliate links ahoy)

Fleece Tights. I buy the XL or 1X to make sure they fight my thighs and y’all. I have bought them on Ebay, at Walgreens, on Amazon. The best thing is, even though every pair I’ve ever owned the waistband fails, I’m wearing them under regular leggings so they can be too big and still serve their purpose.

My next staple are big ass tall socks. From my friends over at Sock Dreams the link is right to my glorious wish list. Let me tell you a story of how a company shows fatty solidarity. Many years ago when yours truly was a beginner fat activist blogger, I tried to do a little fat fashioning. One of the things I was obsessed with (then and now) was tall socks. Back then, I mostly bought those thin acrylic knee highs that were usually shitty quality and not warm. I bought a pair of supposed to be OTK socks from Sock Dreams and they were wee tiny. I wrote them a sad fatty letter and they promised they were working on it. A couple of years later, a fat friend was like  YO LOOK. And y’all, Sock Dreams Delivered. Not only did they work to curate plus size socks WITH MEASUREMENTS but BUT Y’ALL. On many of their socks you can look at them on some lovely fatter legs.

Other retailers take notes, take copious notes. This is what it looks like when you are actively working on a plus size section. I will also say that everytime I buy I write them a nice note because they are also nice folks.

Also if you go have a looksy through my Amazon shop, I added stuff I like. I’m about that fleece tights, leggings and big tops/sweaters layered life right now. I added a ton of leggings and stuff too. Actually now that I look you’ll have to keep an eye on the shop because I apparently didn’t add as many as I thought I did. Whoops.

I’m SUPER into patterned leggings. Stripes, galaxy, Hamlet (yes I bought knock offs),  mermaid. My secret is, I don’t give a hot fuck if somebody sees my big ole hams. Matter of fact, some of my outfits are fully intended to HIGHLIGHT my thighs in leggings because they are amazing.

And I’ve been wearing boots a lot. Of course.

Work in some low key cosplay.

I think I’ve FINALLY figured out how to stay warm AND enjoy my Winter Wardrobe.

Here are some half outfit pics:

I’ve even got myself some really cute Chelsea type boots I’ll do a full review on soon.

Some tips on buying leggings on the internet:

  1. Check and see if they are Asian sizes or not.
  2. When in doubt, read the reviews. READ THEM. Some of them are not helpful, but read them.
  3. If leggings are too tight in the waist, bust that elastic. Stretch it out until it pops.
  4. Noted high waists are often more forgiving around the belly.
  5. Don’t be afraid of your butt. Your butt is fine, your butt is great. Only worry (if you must worry) about whether or not your leggings are see thru in the crack.
  6. Don’t be afraid of your belly. Got a big ole belly? Got a double belly? Got a jiggly pot belly? It is fine. Your belly is great. Cover it or don’t as you please.
  7. If your pattern distorts over your parts, (belly, crotch, ass, whatever) it’s fine. Your body and your stretched out pattern are great.
  8. If your booty/other parts jiggle ENJOY THAT SHIT. I’ve been really appreciating my booty jiggle lately.
  9. Don’t pay a lot of money for leggings. I mean, even if the print is awesome, you can probably find the same or similar. Leggings quality can only vary so much and unless you MUST have the best digitally printed images on your ass, don’t worry about it.
  10. This is also an excellent and easy way to get some low key cosplay in.

Experiment. Keep your bottom warm. Feel comfy. Look cute AF.

What more do you need?

Approaching 40. The Glo Up is Real

Hello darlings.

I will be turning 40 in just a few months. I decided that for my bigger dollar purchases this year I want skin care.

My skin is still as I said way back in this entry the best it has ever been in my life. Overall I am more than delighted by the state of my skin. My breakouts are so few they aren’t even really a thing. I have some new things, a few stubborn blocked pores and blackheads but nothing terrible.

The frequency that my face is peeling or rashy is way way down. My face is bouncy and super friggin soft.

Currently I’m doing a multi step nightly skin care routing. I use (per usual all links are affiliate links) The Face Shop – Rice Water Bright – Cleansing Light Oil (full write up/review soon) to remove my make up, rinse well, use my liquid African black soap and my trusty Clarisonic. Rinse well. Then a few times a week I use some sort of sheet mask. I have a bunch of them. Or I use my OG ride or die oh shit my skin is trippin’ Origins Out of Trouble Mask.

A word about that mask. It is intense. If you’ve used the Queen Helene Mint Julep mask, the Origins mask is that times four. I used to use the Queen Helene religiously and then my breakouts defeated it. I picked up the Origins mask in a little gift size and holy wow. It is one of the first masks I’ve used that will dry up some pimples with a quickness. It does uh, warm a bit. Some folks say it burns. I do get some redness and my eyes water because of the sulphur in it and whatnot. I went from using this religiously once a week to now, really only if my skin is trippin. It works. Totally worth the price.

Next I use Claire-ity Skincare 25% Vitamin C Serum with Hyaluronic Acid and Vitamin E. Of the vitamin C serums I’ve tried I think this is my favorite. It has a really nice gel texture and goes on nicely, is a bit sticky then absorbs. My skin definately is extra soft, my dark marks are less dark. Very nice.

I follow up with the moisturizer of the moment. Right now I’m using a sample of tarte
Rainforest of the Sea™ Drink Of H2O Hydrating Boost Moisturizer that I picked up at a Sephora event. It’s nice. It’s nothing spectacular for me. I like the texture, it does the job of keeping my faceballs nice and moist but there’s no wow factor for me. It is not The One.

Now let’s talk about my ambitions.

I want to find the one great one in terms of facial moisturizers. I know it when I feel it.

I have some stuff I want to try. Sunday Riley Tidal Brightening Enzyme Water Cream is close to the top of the list. I tried out this cream once and omg. So silky. I absolutely want to try it again. I’m also super interested in trying out the Origins Dr. Andrew Weil For Origins™ Mega–Bright Skin Illuminating Moisturizer. I do love anything illuminating and Origins is great in general for me.

If we can talk holy grail only if I won the Lotto I’d try this shit here. Shiseido
Future Solution LX Total Regenerating Cream. I mean that shit is 260$. Just once I’d like to put something that luxe on my face and you are damn skippy I’d use EVERY LAST BIT OF IT.

What else am I interested in skin wise?

I think I want to try some peel oriented products. I’ve got my eye on the First Aid Beauty Facial Radiance Pads. I tried a little jar of these and thought they were nice. I’d like to get a big one and try them out for a few months. I also want to try the Murad Intensive-C® Radiance Peel. My skin responds to vitamin c really well.

I also want to try out the Peter Thomas Roth Mask-A-Holic 5-Piece Kit. Honestly I’m really just a mask junkie and those look so fancy.

To fund my adventures in skincare I’ve been saving up my Swagbucks side hustle gift cards. It isn’t the greatest, but it helps. I got a 25$ Sephora gift card last month and I’m on track to get another one this month as well. Also, I save using my Ebates as well.

On Cyber Monday I allowed msyelf one indugence. I have been stalking the Spin for Perfect Skin brush and picked one up on Groupon for like 20$ with specials. I’m totally late on the groupon but I actually have gotten some good deals there. AND they do a referral thing so if you are so inclined to sign up with my link and I’ll get some coins.  I will do a full review of it soon.

Between side hustles and my mad saving skills, I’ll be expanding my skin care slowly.

That’s all folks. Reviews for stuff I get forthcoming.

File Under Musings: Possible Regrets?

If you’re interested in any of my writings about the election check here.

I want to talk about something I had a great interest in and let kind of lapse. Burlesque.

I’m watching a great documentary called Exposed about it and because the people aren’t all cisheteronormative types, it has me thinking and remembering.

My interest in burlesque started when I was probably 7 years old. I idolized Josephine Baker, G*spy Rose Lee, fan dancers, drag queens the whole idea of such flamboyant performative feminity that I didn’t necessarily hook to gender (even back then) really pulled at my heart.

I’ve been in a very navel gazey mood and thinking about how I felt as a lil genderqueer baby potato and wow, those feelings are real and they were valid.

In terms of burlesque, in my early 20s I did some. I was stripping under the table and had a burly q type little act. What sucks about it is that NONE of the people I did it for are actually alive anymore. Damn okay.

I had two acts. One was all about me exploring being a big dick Femme Daddy. I wore a big strap on that I tied to my thigh until I started swinging it about. It wasn’t super refined, I had nobody I felt safe working on it with. My other act was very Super Goth Domme with a lot of shiny vinyl and slinking around menacingly.

In spite of my shyness, stripping and burlyqing on the downlow helped me during a time when my body image was broken.I was constantly battling a deep body dysmorphia that was connected to my anxiety and my eating disorder. I wasn’t totally active in my ED but I wasn’t not. It was a weird time. When I was stripping, I felt a kind of bodily power and physicality I didn’t feel at any other time.

Even when I couldn’t get hired at any of the local strip clubs because I was too chunky or weird shaped or not “Black” (I have a small ass) enough, those under the table (and frankly dangerous) gigs gave me something I didn’t have in my life. I was unable to figure out how to present myself in a way that felt good to me during the day, but sometimes I’d get the call and feel good.

Fast forward a couple of years. I quit DL stripping and only did a few more burlyq things. Then Seattle discovered Burlesque as a thing and I went to some shows. What I found were Thin White Pretty women doing stuff and as I tentatively explored the community both here in Seattle and online, I saw no space for someone like me.

At that point in my life I was not the brave fatass y’all know today. I was shy and hurt, I didn’t have the language to articulate why I felt unqualified to even approach the burlesque troupes/classes aside from Fat, Black, weird. Not “pretty” not any of the famous stars associated with neo-burlesque.

So I gave it up. And over the years I felt quite bitter. I felt cheated because I felt like I had some great ideas. But I felt so uncomfortable even approaching the scene, that I stayed out of it.

My desire to do this particular creative thing has been strongish lately. I have that need to move my body, to create something that isn’t writing that gets into gender, transgression, my weirdness, aging, my body. But, I don’t necessarily want to be part of a lot of what I see. This need also intersects with my interest in making little films.

Looking back over the years now, I do regret that I gave it up. Like bellydancing and a lot of other stuff, I let the constant beating of the cis thin white lady beauty ideal push me out. I also acknowledge and honor that baby me, lil potato big dick femme Daddy me wanted to protect themself and their heart and that’s real too.

Currently I don’t want to put myself back in that place. My experiences with anything to do with movement/dance/etc in Seattle is not great to be honest and what would be good for me, I don’t have access to because work. I’m not really keen to expose myself to that overmuch.

So what do I do?

Right now I’ve been doing a bit of dancing. Nothing serious because baby needs a sports bra and Femme Daddy has tig ole biddies and that shit is expensive.

I twerk while I brush my teeth or wash my face.

Sometimes I think about burlyq things I’d maybe like to do.

Sometimes I daydream about a big burlyq/strip show open to ALL bodies and gender presentations and dream about it just being the Biggest Queerest Most Awesome thing ever.

Sometimes I think if the right opportunity comes i might try to perform one more time.

I’m thinking about it.

If you read all that thanks, I really needed to decompress.

Be safe y’all.

 

 

My Body Image is Broken

Content Warning: Body image, negative self talk, weight.

Lately I have not been super nice to my body. My weight shifted slightly again and I’m very disappointed in myself and my ass. I don’t want to be losing weight at all.

I’ve been looking at my body and tend to be thinking shitty things about it. I’m mad because my ass is not as full as I want. Because the random perimenopause bloat means I’m never totally sure what will fit. I’ve been in a lot of pain lately, new pain, different pain and I’m mad about that.

Ugh.

I feel a need to confess some things so y’all understand what I’m struggling with.

My personal idea of the Ultimate Shannon Body isn’t really like a thin body type. Frankly, when I’m much smaller than I am now, I’m mad uncomfortable.

What would make me the happiest would be to be built like a beefy, big titty having, brick shithouse.

Basically, my ideal is all muscle under my chub (my body does not do serious body fat reductions without a lot of harm) with big boobs.

I know how to achieve that. The how isn’t really a problem. The problem is that doing so causes me a bucketful of other problems. That much exercise exacerbates my insomnia, low blood sugar issues etc. It’s just not really worth the toll it takes.

I know that intellectually.

Emotionally, I want it.

Emotionally, I want to resume what I used to do to deal with my feelings. Soul crushing, punitive work outs.

Once upon a time I worked out mainly to punish myself for feeling things. I made my body suffer so I wouldn’t necessarily have to deal with my emotions. That is not okay and was a huge problem for me. It was another way to turn my aggression inward and often I’d wind up having trouble walking because of my knees and ankles, pulled muscles, falls nothing good.

What I’m going through now is emotional.

These are the type of feelings that for me can lead down a real dark path. Disordered eating, depression, etc.

So what do I do?

Instead of muscling, pun intended, through it I’m thinking about it. I’m letting myself have these feelings and examine them.

For right now, there are non brickhouse baby things I’d like to do.

  • Relearn how to bellydance
  • Increase my flexibility
  • Decrease some of my pain as I can

The thing that gives me pause is the potentiality of weightloss I don’t want. Also the cost. I need a sports bra, those are expensive as fuck cause big ass titties. I’m not going to get a gym membership, too much temptation for going balls out.

So what I’m going for is harm reduction. Lately I’ve been doing some power walking (YAY) and light stretching. I am looking for a flexibility training thing to do, we all know I still hate yoga.

I am going to do my level best to take it easy on myself.

Right now, I’m doing what feels okay and not like it is putting myself in harms way. I feel kind of okay about all of it right now. I’m still bitter about my body not being the same fat body I was in love with. I’m bitter about having pain that I can’t really do much about.

My main goal here is emotional soothing rather than physical change. Some extra flexibility is great, but peace of mind is better.

We’ll see how it turns out.

I feel better already.

 

Adventures in Aging- Perimenopause and Meeting Crushing Fatigue

I wrote a little essay about my adventures in Perimenopause. You can check it out on Medium here.

So this will be a new feature here.

First, what is perimenopause?

This is what my browser says:

pe·ri·men·o·pause
[ˌperēˈmenəˌpôz]

NOUN

  1. the period of a woman’s life shortly before the occurrence of the menopause.

Um shortly, that is some bullshit. This can last from 5-15 years.

Currently I think I’m about in full year two or so.

Whatever.

Can we talk about the symptom they call crushing fatigue?

For the background, I’ve had sleep disorders for my entire life. I’m talking from toddlerhood on up. I’ve dabbled in about everything to help:

Things I have tried:

  • Drugs- legal and not
  • Herbs- legal and not
  • Sleep hygiene. 
  • Yoga
  • No screens/sensory input for various times before bed.
  • Giving up caffeine/any stimulant
  • White noise
  • No noise
  • Ear plugs
  • Eye masks
  • Exercising up to 3-4 hours a day and/or 2 times a day.
  • Masturbation
  • Intermittent fasting
  • Juice “cleanse”
  • Vegan diet
  • Raw diet
  • Weight loss
  • Long walks
  • Meditation
  • Alcohol
  • No alcohol
  • Not eating before bed
  • Eating before bed…

So yeah. Pretty much all the things. At worst I walk around sleep deprived enough that it would be extremely unsafe for me to drive if I did, and everything is awful. Frankly, I’m kind of used to that and I can function. It’s not always great and when things are extra special bad, my hands shake and I’m pukey and crazy.

In my research when I first saw the crashing/crushing fatigue symptom I was like, oh bitch please I got this.

Y’all….

My reproductive system was like:

bitchwat

Image of Katt Williams looking disgusted, text reads “When someone says something stupid” on top. On the bottom it says, “Bitch what?”

SO..um.

Right.

I’ve been tired. I’ve been hospitalized for exhaustion. I’ve walked (and worked) while hallucinating due to exhaustion.

I have never felt like this in my fucking life.

Some days, getting out of bed is a battle. Riding the bus, I feel like I might nod out like a junkie. I am just, so fucking exhausted.

It’s the brain fog and the body feeling like I went ten rounds with somebody.

I’m doing what I can but damn y’all.

I’m trying to do shit and my brain is like:

dump-fire-3

Photo of burning tires.

My brain is a burning tire fire.

Thus the blogging is a bit slow because I really only have the stamina for a few things.

Y’all shit is not cute.

That said. I’m dealing with other stuff fairly okay. My skin has changed and I’m working with it. I’ll make a post about that later.

I’ve started the occasional bonus periods. Spotting. Bloating, y’all the fucking random bloating. It’s a good thing I already prefer a good stretchy waistband cause shit is real.

I’ve been experimenting with my nutrition and whatnot as well. So I’m doing stuff, I don’t want to do hormone therapy.

There will be more adventures in aging posts. The next time it’ll likely be a skin post since my skin has been doing the absolute most.