What has been seen…Oh Dani no. CN: rape culture, anti fatness, patriarchy

Many of you may have seen around the internets today that Playboy model Dani Mathers  “accidentally” publicly snapchatted a naked women (who was unaware she was being filmed or watched) with the charming caption:

If I can’t unsee this you can’t either.

Head over here to Good House Keeping to view the story and the photo (I am so glad the photo has been censored) and you can see Ms. Mather’s shitty I got busted fauxpology.

First, let’s establish a few things.

While in some states it might not be strictly illegal to do what she did, it is a fucked up thing to do. As someone who makes money off of her image she should know that first and foremost (because obviously morality didn’t come to play here) that shit is expensive. How mad would she be if her highly valuable image was distributed in this manner without her consent or a paycheck?

Second of all. She is doing exactly the same type of shit that MANY women talk about. Her behavior is dangerous, creates an explicitly unsafe space for someone she apparently doesn’t think is fuckable or based on her ideas of what an acceptable body is. This is the shit that many women rage against strange men doing, this is the type of predation that bathroom scare folks believe trans people will do in bathrooms, THIS is the type of behavior that keeps a lot of people out of the gym.

Now onto the “apology”.

“I just wanted to acknowledge a photo that I accidentally posted on Snapchat earlier today and let you guys know that that was absolutely wrong, and not what I meant to do. I have chosen to do what I do for a living because I love the female body and I know that body shaming is wrong and that’s not what I’m about, that’s not the type of person that I am. That photo was taken to be a personal conversation with a girlfriend, and because I am new to Snapchat, I didn’t realize that I had posted it and that was a huge mistake.”

Ahem.

I call entire bullshit on this.

First of all, it wasn’t a fucking accident. I don’t use snapshot, but I don’t think you can accidentally film and caption things without going through some steps.

Second bullshit. “Not what I meant to do” so, what WERE you doing? If you take a photo and use a phrase like can’t be unseen, what you are saying is that by seeing (I saw the uncensored version) the naked body of a not really fat, but average woman at a sink presumably washing her face or something, you have been traumatized.

If we infer why, it’s because holy shit GROSS A PERSON WITH A BODY THAT IS NOT DESIREABLE TO YOU IS DOING SOMETHING HOLY SHIT YOUR LIFE IS RUINED.

Right?

Now let’s note she isn’t sorry for insulting the anonymous naked woman or her body. She LOVES the female body so much she instead says this, “That photo was taken to be a personal conversation with a girlfriend-“

She’s sorry for getting caught being a judgy douchebag.

One of the reasons I personally stopped going to gyms are people like her. Luckily for me there were no camera phones at the time, but, I more than once found myself changing or shaving my legs or whatever at the gym only to find (usually) thin White women laughing, staring etc.

This is why so many people fat and not won’t exercise in public. Won’t go to the gym.

This is where we put the lie to the idea that people like Ms. Mathers ” I love the female body”.

No if people who ever use the phrase “I love women’s/female bodies” it should be qualified with the truth of the statement. They almost always “love” the bodies they find fuckable.

The use of love is not in the caring, I hope your life is a wonderful type of way. It is in the manner that means, you deserve to live/be because you are STILL desirable. I’d fuck you so your life has value.

So not only is Ms. Mathers replicating patriarchal heterosexist behaviors. She has now deleted her twitter so I can only imagine but come on.

I will say again what I’ve been saying for years. This type of behavior is not demonstrative of any kind of good or the lovely kind of love.

It is a kiss followed by a slap.

If you love someone, you wouldn’t want to humiliate them publicly OR privately.

If you support folks with all kinds of bodies workin on their fitness, you would not want to humiliate them publicly OR privately.

If the immediate justification is something like, OMG IT IS MAH OPINION well your opinion is shitty. I do not believe that opinion that actively harm people are just as okay as opinions that don’t. Fuck that.

Think it if you want to or need to, but understand that I don’t think it need airtime.

And let’s not forget how many fucked up ways doing this sort of thing violates consent and is fallout from rape culture that says that any woman doing anything anytime is fair game.

Rape culture indicates to us who are or present as women that we are always fair game. Whether it is for fap material for random dudes or to be humiliated we’re supposed to just accept it. Now this, this behavior is emblematic of that aspect of rape culture and I hope she’s thinking about it.

Dani Mathers violate another woman in multiple ways. She only apologized for getting caught doing it and I hope she’s having to deal with the ramifications of her behavior.

I sincerely hope that this is a learning thing for her. I hope that she’ll have the time and space to really dig into why she thought it would be so funny to shame this other woman at the gym. About why she thought it was totally okay if it was private. I hope she learns how to apologize for real. I hope she starts thinking about what consent means, especially in terms of being involved in the adult industry and how she can maybe learn to take consent more seriously.

 

 

Dear Men and Men Types-The Remix

Apparently some of what I said in this post was taken quite literally and I spent some time afterwards explaining/watching the whole concept being explained to nice guys.

Now here’s the thing about men whose first reaction to anything a woman type says is, BUT I AM A NICE GUY- it is a rare thing that anything good comes after.

From Nice Guys, I’ve heard recently:

  • Oh well if nobody can EVER APPROACH a woman ever, I guess humans will die out.
  • I’m a NICE guy, how could you judge ALL men that way?
  • You’re sexist.
  • Well, if I would have said that about Black ppl I’d be racist.

Okay.

Contrary to some of what I’ve heard, I do in fact like and love men. I talk to strange men when I feel like it.

The big difference between strange men I will talk to and won’t talk to is how they behave. If the first impression I get from a man is that he will ignore the fact that I haven’t given consent to get in my space, touch me, touch my phone, touch my book, or call me a bitch at what point should I deduce that this guy, is a Nice Guy?

And often those guys, usually tell me how nice they are after I’ve made it clear I don’t want to have contact with or communicate with them.

Nice? You sure about that?

Let’s talk about what constitutes showing or verbalizing consent, I saw quite a few men who seemed to have a tough time with this so let’s break it down some.

If you are speaking to someone and they do things, including but not limited to:

  • Turning their back
  • Pulling away
  • Looking away
  • Looking at their phone
  • Doing anything but engaging with you
  • Grunting one syllable answers
  • Rolling their eyes
  • Groaning
  • Sighing
  • Screeching like a Velociraptor-

They probably don’t want to talk to you. And the why isn’t important because it is not any of your business. Maybe they have a partner, maybe they are gay, maybe they just spent a whole day having to deal with fuckass people and they just want to chill out, maybe they have someplace to go, maybe they don’t like your hair..whatever. Doesn’t matter. The answer is still no.

Women are socialized and taught both directly and indirectly that, if we don’t say no, we’re fucking dirty sluts, if we say no, we’re stuck up bitches, if we just want to go on about our day we are somehow holding men down.

Thus a lot of us get pretty salty about this issue.

Most of us who are or identify as women know the second we don’t give our consent to interact or be touched, some bullshit might happen.

I personally have been yelled at, chased by men in a car, cornered, shoved, had a man try to hit me, pushed into the street, spit at/on. And those times I will tell you my no wasn’t aggressive. A little nervous smile and a no thanks, no eye contact etc.

When I was younger, I believed if I was nice about it, it would be okay. It wasn’t.

What amazes me, especially about Nice Guys is that so many pretend ignorance.

They pretend like women have some sort of extrasensory abilities (CALL ME MOTHA FUCKIN WEAPON X) where we will know if this guy, this nice guy who ignored our first no, won’t hurt us.

We’re supposed to somehow glean (despite the actions of many Nice Guys is to the contrary) that this guy, this guy who texted us to make sure it was a real number, or who followed us home, or kept talking to us, is gonna be The Nice Guy to change our minds about men.

How much of a Nice Guy can you be, if you can’t acknowledge a simple no?

How much of a Nice Guy can you be, if you can’t acknowledge that a whole lot of really not nice guys  have worked very hard to fuck it up for everybody?

No?

The thing is, it’s not about who is and isn’t a nice guy.

It is about understanding that as I said previously, women are not Pussy vending machines.

It is not our responsibility to available sexually to any man who wants us.

Here’s the thing.

Understand that without the basis of at least trying to be respectful and show a basic understanding of consent, we got nothing.

Beyond that, this behavior tells me in no uncertain terms you aren’t to be trusted with my time, body or anything else.

Any time the first response of a person to something I’ve said boils down to, BUT WHAT ABOUT MEEEE NOT MEEEE..NEVER ME…what I hear is, yes me. Or not me, but I am so wonderful and special I can’t entertain that someone who is not me has a different life experience than mine and I’m SO IPORTANT I MUST MAKE SURE EVERYBODY KNOWS IT IS NOT ME.

That sort of defensiveness whether it is white fragility or male fragility is just exhausting.

If you really want to prove what a Nice Guy you are, don’t come out of the gate swinging your disrespect for my actual lived life like a club. Don’t walk into a very hard conversation- look, let’s keep it 100 okay? I don’t really enjoy talking about these things. It’s exhausting and when you add the emotional labor of dealing with comments, having to delete rape threats from “nice guys”, telling people no that is not actually what I said etc etc takes a fucking toll- don’t walk into that conversation to take over and make the point that my actual life is incorrect.

Don’t tell me I don’t know how to read aggression.

Don’t tell me that it’s my fault.

Don’t tell me how to modify my behavior.

Listen.

Take it in.

Do some extra reading.

If you are in fact really deeply bothered that the world has come to people like me saying things like, hey MEN STOP IT, don’t be part of that problem. Do what you can to educate yourself and listen. Then, once you’ve learned some BE that shit, be a real live Nice Guy and help out.

Don’t allow harassment to happen around you, but keep yourself safe. Because actual Nice guys aren’t safe from the repercussions of sexual harassment.

Share the work of folks like me.

Just don’t add to it.

 

Now, since I’m not just about chastisement, next week I’ll talk about how to read body language, figure out if someone wants to talk to you and how to pay a compliment that isn’t gross.

Peace Out.