Boots N Wishes

Hi y’all.

The last two weeks of my life have been really awful. My partner is really sick and has been debilitated and unable to leave the house. We’ve been to the ER twice and then I got sick too.

This particular cycle of my life has meant a lot of shit is just not going my way and yeah it is hard.

SO let’s fashion. I have not been able to replace anymore of my wardrobe due to cost of being alive increasing and my fundraiser stalling so, I’ll show y’all what I’m into. This is the boot edition.

And yes there will be ALL the affiliate links because, Babby needs side hustle cash. So let’s get started.

Being that I can’t really wear heels anymore and my absolute love of ankle boots let’s look at some.

First up, let’s talk about this here bootie.

91DQpkM39VL._UY695_

[image description: black platform ankle boot with black laces]

This is the Demonia Women’s Scene-50 Ankle Boot. I LOVE this boot so much. Even though we can’t totally afford it, partner agreed that for our anniversary next month I want these. The thing about Demonia is that when you get a good Demonia shoe it will last for years. They aren’t as hellish to break in as Docs but they are also a tad overpriced. I’ll sacrifice for these beauties.

Next up, in my evolution to being a High Femme Alien Anime Villain Queen Prince. I need a boot like this. Demonia Women’s Emily-375 Over the Knee Boot. I can’t find a big photo so just click on the platform OTK gloriousness. I legit love accentuating the chunk of my thighs with over the knee and thigh high anything. THese are glorious. Imagine them with a pleather legging for that whole leather leg look…UNF YASSS.

Once upon a time I had many many pairs of boots and when I moved I had to sell or get rid of 90% of them. I’m hoping that after we move I can resume collecting because I really do love boots.

Speaking of OTK boots. These are so cute the shiny toe detail is just adorable LFL by Lust for Life Women’s L-Craft Winter Boot. 

I spotted these weird little ankle boots the other day and I am just utterly charmed by them. Cunzhai Women’s Unique Handmade Leather Casual Travel Soft Bottom Boot. I can picture styling them with some tights, cute tall socks and a skater skirt or other short dress. And the shape of the sole is also interesting and a detail I love.

One of the reasons I love boots so much, especially big chunky stompy boots is that it is so easy to gender play in them. I love playing on that 90s influenced bad bitch femme type girl. For me, before I learned about and started identifying with being non binary/genderqueer, it was how I played around with gender presentation.

I think for a lot of us who have had a weird gender journey, playing with things like combat boots and frilly dresses together. For folks all along the gender spectrum, these are really great ways to maybe incorporate gender identity in ways that feel pretty safe.

I remember in the late 90s (remember y’all yer fave Auntie is old af) I bought these poop brown vintage mens slacks. They looked very much like this pair of pants. I paired them with an ivory colored tucked in. I wore it with the first brown nude bra I ever owned, it was satin. No camisole. Open damn near to the navel.

I wore the outfit with some super clunky bump toe platform Oxfords, a slick, high faux ponytail, a vicious cat eye and a lot of glitter.

I felt like the most beautiful boy in the world.

That was around the time I started thinking about gender less in terms of was I boy or girl and more in terms of just being Femme. That is the great thing about style and fashion.

There is so much space inside of the concept of style to explore your gender feelings. Once you step outside of the marketed bullshit and body shaming and just do you, shit is freeing as hell.

Now how about a few links to non boots?

Iron Fist is KILLING me right now. This dress is screaming my name. I’d pair it with a big pixie hem cardigan I have and some big stompy boots. This skirt is just gorgeous.

My personal holy grail brand is Killstar. Their knits SLAY me. Like look at this sweater I love it. I am so into the sweater and leggings and boots for winter. I mean, look at this shit right here.

So there’s yer fashions for the day.

I encourage y’all who haven’t thought about gender expression to think about it some. Maybe do some exploring of your own. Remember folks, it’s not what is in your pants but in your brains.

 

It is National Coming Out Day

Well hello.

If you don’t know already, I am your friendly neighborhood Old Ass Queer Gender Fluid Femme.

When I say Queer, I mean this.

For a time in my life I identified as bi because I hadn’t heard anything else that seemed to fit. Let yer Queer Auntie tell you a story. And for those readers who don’t think they know somebody Queer, now you do.

When I was a wee tiny potato, about 6 or so years old I was in love with four people.

Darcel Wynn of Solid Gold Fame. Ahem LOOK at her:

darcbw2

[image description: black and white photo of a beautiful woman with a long braid over one shoulder in a sequined low cut outfit.

I mean..yo. I remember watching her on Solid Gold and just, I wanted to marry her.

The second person I was in love with was, Freddie Mercury.

freddie

[image description: black and white photo of Freddie Mercury in profile, singing.

I mean..y’all. He was just so beautiful. And such a beautiful soul. Also wanted to marry him.

And of course Michael. Thriller era.

michael-jackson-thriller

[image description: still image from the music video Thriller. Michael Jackson in a red and black leather jacket, dancing.

My last love was a Scottish boy in my class.

I recall informing my Mother that I was going to marry all four of them, we would live in a castle in Scotland with room enough for all our adopted kids, pets and assorted lovers. I look back at that and that is really how my heart has operated. At that age, I had no idea that there were gay and straight people, I figured everyone just made their choices and it wasn’t a big deal.

You love who you love, right?

When I saw a Gay couple once while we were out, I remember wondering if they were married? Did they live in a house? They looked so nice together, I wondered if they got their hair done where my Mom got hers done and did headshots at. That’s what was on my mind.

I had no idea until it was demonstrated to me that being not heterosexual is a problem for some people.

This was in let’s say about 1984ish? Nobody ever said Gay or Queer in a way that wasn’t a pejorative in some way. I was a sensitive little bean and I picked up on it, even from the most casual remarks I understood that my feelings, my love(s) were wrong.

And then the AIDS crisis came and everything was terrible. Men I admired and loved were dying, I heard adults in my life say the most awful evil things about them and to my mind, me by extension. I was terrified, I was depressed. I remember when I started to actually learn the facts about HIV and AIDS I was so ashamed to know people who mischaracterized and vilified + people.

In the early 90s I got to meet HIV+ people. I remember a girl fainted and I was annoyed. I shook his hand and hugged him. I went out of my way to scrounge up change to donate to a local hospice. When I was older in the mid 90s, I spent some time doing a bit of volunteer work, holding hands, wiping lips, reading to bedridden people who were waiting to die.

I didn’t know or understand the queer community at the time, but I was learning about it. I read as much Queer history as I could get my grubby hands on. I read gay erotica, I read John Rechy and consumed gay fiction.

I didn’t feel like I was in the closet. The concept of being in the closet didn’t really matter to me. It was less a matter of disclosure for me than it was trust. I did not trust most of the people in my life with my heart in that way. That said, I didn’t go out of my way to hide it either.

I didn’t “come out” per se because I felt no need to. For me coming out isn’t Queer Street Cred. It doesn’t make or break my queerness.

Coming out for me is a matter of trust and safety.

So when I was wee and very firm in my knowledge of my Queerness whether or not I had a name for it, I had no real desire to put a name on it to make it real.

Often when Coming out day comes around I see a lot of LGBT people doing a lot of work to insinuate without outright saying that if you’re in the closet, you’re somehow less than. That you’re not contributing to the community, that you’re a liar, that you’re just not gonna get your Rainbow Badge of Courage.

I reject that.

Yes, we live in the mother fucking future and in a lot of places, I can marry whomever I please.

That said, we still live in the world where Black Trans women are being murdered for existing. We live in a world where, parents kidnap their children and send them to torture camps to pray away the gay, we still live in a world where it is a question as to whether or not someone can lose their job because they are Queer.

This is reality.

And in reality, we can’t always make the open choice. We have to live. Those of us who don’t have a safety net, or live in Butthole where ever and in that place we will be in danger of losing our lives if we are out- we don’t need to come out to satisfy some bullshit sense of authenticity.

Realness is not how out you are.

Being authentic to who you are does not supersede survival.

I personally am out as fuck.

You don’t have to be. I still see you boo. I see you, I value you and your experience and today might not be the day. Don’t feel bad if you are in the closet. Maybe you don’t have yourself figured out yet, you’re good too.

Not all of us had the moment of clarity I had when i was 6 and in love with lots of people. It doesn’t matter how old you are, how long you’ve been considering, if you’ve gotten down with whatever gender in a sexual way.

I value your safety over knowing your personal truth.

Your life is more important to me than knowing the details.

To wrap this up I want to say this.

When and how you come out of the closet, if you come out belongs to you. It doesn’t belong to chirpy ads, rainbow banners or anyone who’d pressure you into coming out.

You folks, you’re who I honor today. You’re who is in my heart. I hope that in your lifetime you find the trust and safety to say outloud what’s in your heart.

You are seen.

Fall Textures.

Hello sweet thangs.

Let’s talk texture and fall clothes. I’m a bit of a texture fanatic. I can be really picky about what fabrics to go next to my skin and I’m just learning what fabrics to layer.

First up, let’s talk my texture, aesthetic.

I like soft. A lot of the time I like to feel like I’m wearing something as close to jammies as possible while still rocking my aging office Goth aesthetic. Affiliate links, ahoy.

First up I’m SUPER into Old Navy tees. They aren’t the most sturdy but, as far as comfort goes can’t beat them.

I really love the shape of this Tulip Tunic Tee.  That tee comes in a few colors and I see a lot of the sizes are sold out. Keep an eye on them.

I’m a big fan of their lightweight tees as well. As I learn to layer properly, they tend towards the soft side. Pro tip if you’re really busty, the relaxed Vneck anything is going to show ALL your goodies. Get a size down or wear a cami.

My FAVORITE ON tees of all time are these. When I buy them, I buy doubles in each color. I will buy one a size down for a more fitted body con fit, and one my regular size for a slightly looser fit. I find it really easy to layer these with a nice thinner weight sweater or cardigan. For me, (hot flash city up in here) I’m not quite cold enough to be layering the chunkier knits just yet.

Essential for fall, I want soft but not fuzzy texture. I want fabrics that don’t stick together and have a little bit of extra weight to them.

I keep having visions of picking up some thinner weight oversize sweaters. I found some at Amazon that look worth a try.

This one is very cute. I love LOVE layering a cami under a sweater. Pro tip if you are entering or have entered hot flash territory. This type of sweater is thin enough you won’t boil.

Note I think this might be Asian sizing so make sure if you order to read the reviews. Check any photos.

I’m also super into this top/dress thing. Picture it over some faux leather leggings. With maybe a cardigan or other sweaterish thing. Floaty and soft.

For cardigans I have several like this one. Shawl collar and a pixie hem AND it looks soft?

Sign me up.

In my fantasy life, Fall means lots of layers. Lots of mixing things like chiffon and knits, peeks of leather, some faux fur, silky things, all over a good soft tshirt type base layer. Very Strega. For me probably because I live in Seattle, I want to let my inner Fancy Goth out. Lots of layers of skirts, velvet, and of course fancy leggings and my trusty Doc Martens.

That is my dream life. In actual life I’m awful at layering. I might look cute, but tend to not layer the right fabrics together and wind up fidgeting with myself all day. A person can dream tho right?

I think if I can afford to really redo my wardrobe I will be better equipped to dress more to my own preference in Fall.

The other thing about texture in Fall for me is that Fall tends to give me more opportunity to dress a bit more masculine at times. Fall makes me feel more masculine in how I want to present but only my clothes. I want to wear oxfords and nicely cut cord pants. Think low key dapper, cords, sweatervests, I wish I was a tie person but I hate wearing them.

Once upon a time I had quite a collection of vintage and thrifted blazers for this purpose. One of my favorite outfits I’ve ever owned was some black bootcut trousers worn with a very fuzzy ratty black sweatervest and a burgundy velvet blazer. I wore it with my Docs and always felt like a handsome Goth Prince. I’d like to explore that more. We’ll see.

For my face, I like it as always creepy matte. Dead Matte. Dolly matte. During the actual season change, my skin goes bananas. My face gets greasier, my body gets drier and EVERYTHING is wild AF. I’m still rocking with my L’Oreal Pro matte but I’m back on the hunt for the perfect powder that isn’t my holy grail Mac Blot powder because that shit is expensive as hell.

For my face I want big vampy shiny lips. I’m kind of over a matte lip. I love the color selection of matte lippies but I want my mouth luscious.

I’m also getting back into more eyeshadows since I won’t be sweating them into creased up messes.

For my nails, I’m back to wanting em yeah you guessed it, long and dark and shiny.

I tend to wear my nails quite long since I’ve been with the dude. He’s a CIS dude so no need for short nails. I’ll do a whole post about my nails later on.

Okay, tomorrow I want to do a post about what I want this blog to be, talk about my fundraiser and how I’m teaching myself to write about fashion and beauty and stuff on my own terms.

 

Fall Aesthetics- Gender Fluid Goth Feelings

It is officially Fall in my brain. The weather is cooling down and is grey and drizzly.

That means, Fall Aesthetics are happening.

Per usual since I am protective styling my hair, I changed it. I’m rocking some evil mermaid locks right now and I’m super into it. I’ll have a whole post about it soon.

newhair

[image description: photo of the author. Brown skinned person with black and burgundy long wavy hair]

So that’s the hair aesthetic right now. A little Evil Femme Mermaid.

NOW the clothes.

Fall and cooler weather means I have to wear more pants and weather resistant stuff. Can we talk about what I’m craving?

My ultimate Fall looks are lots of vampy make up (messy smokey eye, big dark lips) very Goth Femme and I like cardigans and if I’m wearing pants I prefer skinny cut jeans (but not denim if I can help it), straight cut twill pants and of course leggings.

How about some links? Some are affiliate some not:

For some masc/butch footwear can we talk about black on black Timberlands? They are pricy but I believe they are worth it. When I was in my early 20s I had some classic ones that lasted for probably six years with a lot of heavy wear. Pro tip if you have smaller feet like me, try looking at Kids Footlocker for big kid sizes. You save some cash and have a few extra finish types to choose from. The other great thing about this style of boot is that if you get the adult sizes usually the mens sizes, they are steel cap which is great.

Also, if you can’t afford Timbs, check places like Payless or Kmart for similar styles. Usually you can find them in the work boot area.

Next tip about pants.

For reference about my body. In pants I am usually a 13-15 in Jrs. In grown lady pants depending on the cut and brand I’m anywhere from a 10-14. I have big ass hams and not a lot of booty. I also loathe pants. I wear them because I don’t like my ass or cooch being cold but I hate pants. Mainly because a lot of pants tend to not fit my hips/low waist at the same time. Or my high natural waist and my hips at the same time.

My advice about pants, especially for gender fluid folks.

Find a style of ass covering that makes you feel good about your booty. Doesn’t matter if they are dude pants, lady pants, leggings, jeggings, whatever.

Now for me, let me show y’all some of what is on my wishlist.

First up I am actually wearing these right now:

These are (that is an amazon affiliate link) Jr sizing low rise straight leg twill pants.

Pros: these fit my big hams small booty self very well. The rise is a bit low but not unbearable. They are inexpensive and last pretty well. Comfy (the material softens up very nicely) and I like them. They are very easily modded. They are very plain so you can add patches or trim or whatever floats your boat.

Cons: They do stretch kind of weird. You will eventually need a belt especially if you sit a lot.They are not the quality that the dude Dickie’s usually are. The material is thinner and they will not look as good for long.

They also do come in plus sizes.

Tips for buying: I have not found them in stores so if you’re unsure, order two sizes and return what doesn’t fit. Also if you have more booty in the pants regardless of size this cut probably won’t do you any good.

I’ve got half a mind to give this style a shot as well. I like that slightly wide leg fit. That sort of cut always makes me feel a little more boy. 

 

When I’m feeling a bit less masc but I don’t feel like wearing a dress I’m super into printed leggings this year.

Behold my new favorite leggings.

hammy

[image description: a photo of crossed legs. The leggings have small light colored print]

Those are my Bloodmilk Knock off Hamlet leggings.

Okay, yes I know I bought knock offs. I’m awful and whatnot.

Real talk though. I cannot spend on a good day (they are in Australia so the prices are in AUD) like 60$ on leggings that will probably not fit me because Bloodmilk notoriously does not serve fatties.So yeah nope. Fuck those people.

My secret for the four pairs of printed leggings I’ve picked up has been ebay. Search for your print and make sure you read any feedback and reviews. Keywords you want to pay attention to in the sizing details. American vs Asian sizing. Asian sizing is going to almost always run quite a bit smaller.

Some leggings hacks, especially printed leggings.

If they are a bit too see through in the butt or crotch wear tunic length tops. If they are just a bit too small or they don’t go all the way up to your crotch, get some tight fitting undies like mens briefs and wear em super hero style with a long top.

If the waistband elastic is too tight, break that shit. Basically stretch it until you hear or feel it pop then stretch it a bit more.

If you are more crafty, you can replace too small elastic with something else stretchy to give yourself more space in the waist without sacrificing your print.

Now let’s talk about some other subtle ways to get your gender feels on without having to buy more stuff.

For me personally when I’m feeling a bit more Masc Femme, I tend to wear different jewelry. Still pretty femme but it feels good to me to wear my chunkier jewelry when I feel more masc and my  more delicate jewelry when I feel more Feminine Femme.

I’m still exploring more ways of expressing my gender and talking about it in a way that fits the type of fluidity I feel.

What else are my Fall aesthetics? Some beauty stuff okay?

VAMPY LIPS Y’ALL.

I’ve been wearing the HELL out of this J.Cat Beauty Lip paint stuff in Queen of Hearts. It is a tad bit messy and if you have any dry skin around your mouth this will be an issue. It is really full coverage and I find that playing with blotting can totally change how the product looks on your lips. Super worth it

I’m also super into Nyx lippies. Y’all they have a TON of finishes, colors, opacities etc to choose from and they are fairly inexpensive so you can get to experiment without busting the bank. Currently I’m super obsessed with the Butter Glosses. I think at last count I have six of them and I LOVE them. Pro tip: they are frequently on sale at drug stores and Ulta for great deals like I picked up some that were buy two Nyx products get one free.

I’m still on the hunt for a new coat to wear between now and actual cold weather. I am super picky and have a terrible wool allergy so that struggle is super real.

Next time, I’ll probably blog some about more gender feels, some new skin care stuff I’m playing with and my urge to Vlog.

Later taters.

Gender Feels are Upon Me

If you didn’t know already, I am not a cis person. Read about it here.

I’ve been thinking about the gender indicators in my life/aesthetics. I have some more non-fiction in the works about this stuff, and that the best way to describe my gender is Femme. If you want to know about Queer Femme sorts, start here this is pretty great.

When I was lil baby Femme, normally when I felt more like FemmeBoi I would break out my (note most clothes, stuff will be affiliate links) bondage pants, saggy jeans, the occasional snapback and I usually would cut all my hair off. I kind of hated that but kind of loved it.

Looking back, a lot of my gender presentation was based on what I thought was masculine. Boots, oxfords, I wore a lot of oxfords. Trousers if I wasn’t wearing bondage pants. Mens clothes.

Now that I’m older, I realize that masculinity is not one size fit all. So what do I do now?

I’ve been in the long process of unfucking my wardrobe, mainly in figuring out what fits what doesn’t and getting rid of some truly raggedy shit.

If you’ve been here for a minute you know I’m an Aging Goth, I hate wearing pants, I’m not a fan of non stretchy waistbands. My style is pretty Femme. Lately all I want in the world are printed leggings, skater dresses, skater skirts, boots (UGH if those weren’t Demonia I’d buy them  next I love them so much, I’ll make a post about Demona later), tall socks and maybe some big ole ratty sweaters.

So what/how am I altering my gender expression to match my mood?

These days it is still boots but instead of trousers I wear leggings. Or if I’m feeling it, I might wear my only slightly trusty Dickies. And my very worn trusty old Docs. The short ones.  I also tend to wear more masculine scents. Yes, I KNOW scentless but doing that makes me super unhappy and I try not to douse myself. Honest.

The funniest thing to me about my gender expression and style is that it’s fairly genderless at this point. Mainly my gender expression has turned into aesthetic goals.

These include:

  • Looking like an anime villain.
  • Low key cosplay.
  • Regal Goth Prince
  • Kinda butchy Domme in business/sex wear. (Don’t ask I dunno yet)
  • Alien Nazgul Queen (Queen as in Queer not monarch)

What else is in my dream aesthetic? Sex and danger. A little androgyny. Fully beat face, with some masculine swagger. Because I can do that. That is what my body does naturally depending on what gender feels I’m having at any one time.

Later in life when I’ve got the cash I will continue with my body mods as well. We’ll talk about that in another post.

Basically, I want my outside decoration to entirely flow with the tide of my feelings. It will be hard, but I believe in myself.

That’s all for now.