Wardrobe and stretchiness.

This upcoming move has given me the nudge I needed to really get to work on redoing my wardrobe.

As an aging Goth, while my heart yearns for the fanciest of frills and tight lacing and leather and whatnot, reality is I don’t really have the means for that. Okay hold up.

Let me say something about Goth and other subcultures that irritates the shit out of me. The insistence that you cannot be a real *enter subculture here* unless you DIY or dress just so you are a poseur. Can we be real? Regardless of age, the fact is not all of us have the skill to DIY it all. DIY can be more expensive in terms of sourcing materials, skill and time than just buying a thing.

I REALLY wish we could leave that narrative behind. The whole debate has been around for so long and frankly I find it ableist and boring.

ANTEEWAY.

Aging Goth-righty right.

My aesthetic is moving towards all things layered and comfy. Some Femme Goth Prince Nightmare fuel. I want floaty, witchy, stretchy, chunky boots everything. If money and size were not a thing (I’ll put a pinboard at the bottom) I would be a walking Killstar ad. There would be a lot of weird indie designer stuff, lots of one of a kinds. Handmade.

That said, I’ll do what I do best. Rebuild from cheap basics. (Affiliate links ahoy)

Some basics to build on. I have at least four skater skirts of varying length. I have them from mini to midi and they are a staple in my wardrobe. The secret to buying them online is always, ALWAYS look at the measuring chart AND read the reviews. Even if folks aren’t your size, you can extrapolate. So if a person says they usually wear an XXS and the size M was too tight to go over their hips, you know if you’re a size M you should size way up or get another skirt. I love them tucked in, with cardigans, with boots, with mary janes, thigh high socks, crop tops. LOVE THEM. If you get one that’s too short, layer it up.

Next thing. Y’all I have been singing praises about fold over waist skirts for like ten years. Wheelchair using babes or folks with any type of neuropathy or other thing that might make you sensitive to a tight waistband, GET ON THIS. Because the waist folds rather than cinches, you can wear them and not worry about them cutting in. You can get them in a million colors, varying lengths. I don’t recommend paying more than 20$ MAX because the waist will stretch out over time but honestly, a super versatile staple and I personally have been wearing them forever. Also great for layering. Fat babes, especially if you have a big belly these are fantastic. Wear them on your belly, below your belly, pulled up to your tits. They are just that comfy.

For basic tops, I’m a ride or die plain tee or tank kinda person. Although, I am getting into wanting to try some tops with like peephole backs and straps and shit. I buy packs of ribbed tanks, I like camisoles. Mostly I don’t want my titties bedazzled.

In terms of my wardrobe, I’m moving towards all stretch except a couple of pairs of things. I am finally starting to adapt and learn how to dress for physical problems I have and to not only wear shit I like but accommodate what my body needs. I’ve been working a lot on my ableism towards myself and my body and I think I’m doing okay.

I just don’t physically tolerate a lot of stuff and working with it sometimes makes me annoyed. My goal with my wardrobe as I’m an redoing it is as follows:

  • My clothes should be able to fit me and still look the way I want +/- 15 or so pounds or whatever bloating I happen to be doing.
  • I want soft textiles.
  • I want variety.
  • I want some fuckin prints.

Like, y’all. I have been working really hard on confronting my own ableism towards myself and this is a pretty big step for me. My body needs some stuff and I’m working on providing it.

As I’m looking at redoing my wardrobe my focus is a lot on boots, leggings, interesting cardigans and layrable things. My style is very much settling on going between anime villain, to Femme Goth Office drag to how I really wanted to dress in the 90s.

The other thing factoring in is storage. We’re moving to a very small place so I want stuff I can fold rather than hang and have it not be a problem.

I’ll keep y’all posted.

Below find my pinboard with ideas, from lots of places. I’ll be adding to it.

 

 

Old Goth is Old. Complaints from the Black Goth Department.

If you are of the opinion that Goth is a phase, please go read this. I’ll wait.

Now, let’s talk about being an Old Black Goth.

In my early 20s during my pre-Internet life there were certain things about my Gothness I just accepted.

Things such as:

White people with their versions of dreadlocks.

Zero to a wee bit of representation in media.

Being exoticized.

Nazi Fetish, Nazi imagery, Nazi regalia is “just to be provocative”

These things are inside the subculture. Back in the day when I was a lil baby bat, these things vexed me a lot.

These days, yeah whatevs.

Except the representation. Goth has a reputation for being more open about bodies, etc. but, yeah not so much.

Even all these years later, if we’re looking for images of androgyny better be tall and thin or tiny and thin or just you know, pretty thin.

Lately I’ve been getting back into make up and again, I see these beautiful tutorials and nary a one says anything about making it work for skin other than white skin. Not. One.

Also, lately in the last few years as Goth and Witchy looks have turned mainstream, shops are NOT stocking all available sizes in brands that make above a size L. Dollskill is terrible for this. They stock Killstar brand clothing (which I am OBSESSED WITH) ahem. But none of the Xl/XXL sizes. And a lot of Killstar stuff is stretchy so more sizes can get their ham in it. So why?

It is 20 goddamn 17.

Can I tell you that in the late 90s, a lil fat booty Goth babe like yours truly could buy ALL sorts of brands of goth clothes?

And another complaint. Every single witchy, dark, magazine is so white. Except for like ONE article from a while back about a Black witch. It is kinda getting me down lately. I’m feeling very much like, yo um…where are your non white people? You know we exist right?

There are a number of dark oriented magazines I’ve been reading lately on the interwebs. From the purely aesthetic ones, to the sexy ones to the cultural ones to the ones talking spirituality, they all mainly

Let’s look at all the witchy goodness happening. Most of the imagery revolves around pretty white girls in instagram filtered photos with stiletto nails, lots of AHS inspired hats, lots of Baba Yaga, the triple goddess, etc. On a casual look, I can find eleventy million hot takes and essays about it but, while traditions, looks and what not differ there are not a lot of folks who don’t fit the common aesthetic.

Once upon a time, a few years ago now one of the glossy goth magazines got bold and talked inclusion and diversity. The article was kind of okay? As I recall they didn’t seem to have spoken to any Black Goths but linked to them which is a problem. After that, their look didn’t change. There weren’t Black goths featured, there weren’t hot fat folks in fancy digs, they did what a lot of other things that brand themselves as diverse do.

They did one thing and called it a win.

Right around that time I pitched, probably ten magazines op eds about those of us who aren’t pale willowy sorts. I never heard a word back from any. I wrote letters and emails.

Crickets.

For me personally, sometimes this shit is hard as fuck. I’m feeling that way now. Because my interests from a very young age have fallen outside of the little box that folks think Blackness is, sometimes I feel starved for community but leery of it as well. On one hand, I LOVE talking Alt shit. Makeup, clothes, music, but I also am very fully aware that the need may arise for me to gird my loins regarding my Blackness. I am fully aware that I will encounter microagressions, that I might have to yet again explain why it’s not cute to be a racist, etc.

There are some communities around for Alt/Goth folks of color, but, personally there was a bit too much internalized white supremacy going on in those groups and nah son.

Like any other microcosm of society, the ones I like are going to replicate the sins of the macrocosm. That said, emotionally it just makes me sad and tired.

That’s where I am right now.

Sad and tired old Black Goth.

I’ll feel better, these things come and go.

Now that my life has shifted to a more daytime dwelling schedule. I might get my partner Uniballer dressed up and take him to a meet up or maybe get us out to the Goth club once in a while.

I will probably return to reading my dark magazines. I found some great fashion stuff to look at on Tumblr and I’ve been doing some more wardrobe rebuilding.

Hell, I might even start writing essays about this stuff and trying to Black up some Goth mags.

For right now, I feel better I got it off my chest.

Until next time my loves.

Coming soon I have some new beauty reviews and if the universe works with me, some face of the day photos and stuff. I will probably bring back the goth fantasist posts too.

 

 

 

Cold Weather Style Feels.

In the past few months I’ve discovered (old news I know, but I AM OLD deal with it) Strega/Dark more fashion. Thank you tumblr.

One of the features of these styles I am in love with are a lot of the beautiful knit type items folks layer with. So, to that end, I’ve decided to make myself some of those because reasons.

I already crochet and have started a couple of my big giant shawls for myself. I have been looking into arm knitting as well.

I’m looking at making one of these shawls.  I have a terrible wool allergy so a lot of the projects with the awesome huge chunky yarns have been inaccessible to me until, DUN DUN DUN… (affiliate links ahead)

Bernat Mega Bulky yarn. I saw this yarn not long ago and want it so bad. I love how it looks. I want to try it out.

Red Heart Boutique Twilight Yarn in Armour delivers the sparkle with no wool and that jumbo size.

Another favorite is Lion Brand Homespun.

Back to the Dark Mori. I’m SO into the idea because I love the idea and being that I’m outside a lot, I feel like it should work. That said, I’m terrible at it. I’m going to try harder this fall and winter. I think giving myself teh task of making myself some of the top/upper layer accessories will help get me started

I’m collecting up images and inspo and when I’ve got some more of my shit together I’ll post some of my actual outfit ideas.

I think I might have a little bulky yarn hidden in my stash and this weekend I’m gonna try to dig out some of my shawls for wearing.

Also in this cold weather fashion trend of mine, I’ll probably angst about my struggle with finding appropriate shoes that I can afford.

Are any of y’all crafty? Show me the stuff you make. I promise I won’t bite you if you’re cool.

Coming up soon, we’re gonna talk buying leggings, we’re gonna talk about Fall/Winter textures AND OMG I’m super stoked I’m gearing up for a quick and dirty guide for newly naturals.

I’m really excited about what’s happening in my new little blog here.

Thanks for visiting.

ALSO, if you want to see more of my choices for woolfree awesome yarns, check out this link (also linked above) of some of my faves. ALSO I’ll be adding a craft section to my Amazon store as well.

 

#bodygoals #beautygoals and thangs.

I’ve been daydreaming pretty heavily lately about my end game in terms of body modification. Oh wait, you didn’t think this would be about waist trainers or some shit did you?

Nope.

If I was going to do any waist training it would be tight lace corsetry. But that’s a whole other entry.

SO.

Due to financial shit, my partner and I were unable to get our septums pierced for his birthday and I’m pretty bummed about that. I really want to finish up facial piercings in the next year or so. I want my septum and each nostril. For summary, of course.

I really like the idea of having an upside down triangle of shiny things in my face.

Beauty as I age involves a lot of thought about body modifcation. My ultimate dream is to be a heavily tattooed little old person someday. I’m talking pretty much a full bodysuit of tattoos, maybe a few implants and scarification. I’m talking serious.

I dream about being a Nazgul Alien Evil Queen.

Since I was a little baby potato, my dreams in terms of my own looks have always involved body modifications of one sort or another. My tattoo dreams (I have about 10 medium to smallish ones planned right now) are just, right now they feel out of reach because it is expensive. I’m hoping that I can get either a poetry/personal survival related piece on my right forearm or two small ones behind each ear soonish.

I’m working up to getting at least the spiritually meaningful ink first. Then the fun stuff.

One of the other things I’ve really thought a lot about is using accessories to help me feel beautiful in my gender/expression.

So since I’m currently putting bits of money aside for new fancy goth stuff let’s talk about stuff I want.

I want prescription sclera lenses. I actually really want to get my eyes tattooed and blacked out, but, that body mod isn’t totally a safe one and given how bad my vision is I feel like it would just fuck up my vision more. I’m also really into these.

The other thing I dream about is having custom grills. My favorite are this style. I want them fanged, top and bottom in the white gold.

The older and more comfortable I get in my body, the more I want to explore how I present myself to the world. I want to try out ways to make myself look alien or monstrous. The traditional or trendy ideas of beauty have really stopped being at all influential or important to me.

I don’t really do a lot with my eyebrows. Occasionally I shave or wax them into thin eyebrows but I’m terrible at drawing them on and filling them. I wish I was better at it so I could shave them off and have different ones daily. I really LOVE super artistic brows and it’s a skill I hope to attain.

While I’m on the countdown to 40 (I turn 40 next March) I’m so happy that my expression of my own beauty is becoming this weird thing where I screw around with make up and I’m not afraid not to do pretty, professional looking make up on myself. I spent a lot of time a few years ago feeling very unimpressed with my make up skills in spite of the hours of practice I put in.

These days, I’ll throw crap on my face until I feel cute and sometimes it works sometimes not. And I’m fine with it. I’m proud of it.

My engagement with beauty is strictly on my terms. This is possibly the greatest gift in terms of beauty I’ve ever given myself. Even more than taking time to learn to take care of my skin or hair.

In terms of my gender expression, I’ve settled on just being a non-binary femme alien nazgul monster queen. Like, that really does it for me. The gender thing we’ll talk more about.

There is something so joyful for me in  not beating myself up on any level about the zero fucks I give about what is age appropriate, normal, pretty or whatever.

So how about some peeks at what I’m into lately?

I’m really into the soft grunge look. That said, being that I’m not pale I have had a bit of a time figuring out how to make it work. Also the techniques. I got the technique down today, but I used an eyeshadow that’s too made on my skin. Also, for me, I want my skin close to flawless and beat. Almost every tutorial is done by/for White/pale people so I’ve had to improvise.

I’m getting back into dramatic ass super extra big ole winged liner. Big Wings. I’ve been experimenting with different liner formulas. I like my cat eye liner big and black. Or big and black on top color on bottom. My Old Goth standby.

What am I ready to get back into?

Experimenting with ways to look like a creepy, mostly dead doll type figure. Not sure how to get what I see in my head, I’m working on it.

Also big shiny lips. We’ll do a lip look post later on.

I’m finding myself ready to play with my looks again and it’s fantastic.

Lately I’ve been kinda plainish for my taste mainly because I’ve not had the energy so I’m working on it.

Wanna see my face?

Come follow me on Instagram. Most of my insta is selfies and I’m going to resume actually trying to get good make up shots.

The best part about this is that I’m living proof you are never too old or too anything to reframe how you think of beauty, both your own and other folks. You just have to try.

Next time we’re gonna talk about fashion and my concept of low key cosplay in every day life. Ways to invoke your faves without dropping legit cosplay money.

 

House of Weirdos.

Content Warning this is the first and only one.

There may likely be links in this post that you find creepy, disgusting, might give you nightmares. Continue this at your own peril.

No, I’m not showing anything, uh, terrible.

We’re gonna talk about how I dream about decorating my home and what I’m doing now.

Ahem.

Now I don’t have a lot of decoration happening in my apartment right now mainly because I had zero intention of living there as long as I have. I thought we’d have moved into someplace nicer by now but whatever.

What I have is a shelf full of skulls and a few other items.

Thing is, my aesthetic for home is mostly comprised of:

  • OH BONES!
  • TEETH!
  • WET SPECIMAN TAXIDERMY!
  • OMG FETAL TWO FACED PIGLET!
  • SHINY!
  • TREASURE BOXES!
  • VINTAGE BOOKS (SOME PORN, SOME SF/F)
  • OH CREEPY GIMME!

One of the problems I have with decoration is that I don’t even have furniture. I don’t know how to buy furniture. I’m almost 40 and the only brand new furniture I’ve ever had is my bed (that is in the worst kind of need to be replaced) and computer desks/equipment. It’s such a huge investment I dunno.

That said, I do fantasize and let me show you some of what I fantasize about. Let’s start slightly sedate with couches and shit.

I LOVE the aesthetics of Victorian style furniture, but it never looks comfortable.

Also shit like this, unf. In black, I mean COME ON. If I had a formal living room, this would be the shit.

I really like this and think I could chill out on it. Black, dark grey, those are my colors.

I want lots of dark, comfortable things. I want dark wood bookshelves because I own a fuckton of books.

Now for the decor?

Y’all.

I want things like this little fetal pig wet specimen piece. I mean..look it is SO fucking cute.

Also, I’d like to restart my collection of mounted bugs and stuff. I mean LOOK at this gorgeous giant scarab.

I want art. I’m SO into so many artists I just want art. I want to buy paintings and do things like commission an oil painting of Pyramid Head. I want full articulated skeletons. I want a taxidermied baby deer.

Recently I’ve discovered arty taxidermy. This artist, who does great gory/horror looking pieces. I also have a terrible love of sideshow/freakshow gaffs. I would LOVE an alligator boy.

What is always funny to me when I start thinking about these things is that really I don’t need all that. I’ve never had it or lived someplace where I have felt like I could put couches and art in it and feel like it is really home. I know that’s depressing as shit but that’s what it is.

It has been only in the last couple of years that I’ve even tried to think about what home actually might look and feel like to me. I’ve written about it a bit over here at Medium.

Lately, I’ve been sticking to the little things. My partner bought me an over the toilet shelving unit for my bathroom and I’ve gotten my vanity together. I have a shelf full of replica human skulls, a few shiny boxes. A giant Halloween decorative foam skull I attached fairy wings to.

I have faith I’ll figure it out.

But in the meantime, I will dream about an office full of bones, horror memorbilia, yarn, and other weird shit.

 

 

Gothified.

The easiest way to ID my style is probably to say I’m an aging Goth.

99% of my clothes are black. I’m prone to a mix of what I call casual office Goth, a little Trad Goth, a pinch of whatever other shiny, ruffly nonsense catches my eye.

I love soft clothing, hate pants, hate rigid fabrics (unless it is leather or tightly laced) and I’m pretty poor.

So let’s talk about some of the clothes I’m excited about.

I’m not even a tiny bit ashamed to say I’ve been shopping Hot Topic lately. If you are an old fat Goth like me you’ll remember Torrid pre-pink. Goth shit galore.

HT has expanded their plus size selections by a lot. Like, I hadn’t even bothered to look in a couple of years and wow. I was so happy I wrote the CEO to thank them. If you are a fatty who likes ALT clothes, seriously write in.

I’ve picked up some super cute dresses and can say that the XL/1X in a lot of the stretchy dresses are pretty generously sized and very soft. My current favorite dress is this one.  I got it in a size L but even being a big boob size 12ish I could have probably even gotten a Medium. This is my favorite dress. It is super soft, super stretchy and looks really cute on.

Lately all I want are skater dresses and skirts. Some cute nerdy tees, chunky kinda ugly shoes and cardigans and leggings.

I am generally pretty Femme but I love leggings so I’m trying to incorporate more stuff I can layer so I can reduce the frequency I wear pants with.

I have also done a little bit of the lowest key cosplays in my regular walking around life because that is a thing I like dong.

This is what I wore when Uniballer (my partner) and I went to go see Star Wars. It is my low key vader look:

vader

The faux leather OTK boots I grabbed from DebShops last fall. The faux leather leggings came from Hot Topic and are a size XL. I could probably have gotten a size L and been fine. They sag a bit in the butt. The longer top came from one of those Asian street style shops on Ebay. A size 3XL I think. The sleeves are too short so I paired it with a pixie hem cardigan I got at Goodwill.

Also, I’ve become quite a wig collector and that was my first real human hair unit. I’ll do a review on her some other time.

As you can see, a large part of my aesthetic is also dressing like a cartoon villain.

Eventually my goal in life aesthetcally speaking is as follows:

Evil Nazgul Alien Queen.

I’m working on it.

After I finish purging my wardrobe (I will probably be selling some stuff along the way I’ll let y’all know) I am going to need a lot of the following:

  • Faux leather leggings.
  • Layerable sheer/almost sheer cardigans
  • Plain tanks
  • Nerd fannish tees
  • Vintage/Vintage looking slips
  • Flatform/platform/chunky shoes
  • Other printed leggings

I also really still want to give some Lolita pieces a shot. I also want to try some Victorian inspired things and some more DIY. I have space in my apartment now to set up my sewing stuff and am thinking about getting on some of these Goth tutorials.

The other I get my issues with my body aside, the more fun Goth gets to be. As I give fewer fucks about what folks think about how I look, I have been exploring more things.

Lately I’ve been obsessed with DIYing some shoes and things. The problem with a lot of DIY that often goes unspoken is how much it costs in terms of time and supplies. That is something that really, uh, yeah, it causes me some anxiety so I’m going to try to start out slow.

Maybe some minor alterations on stuff I have.

Next post, we need to discuss my witchy oddity obsessed aesthetics and how I am decorating my place. Bit by bit.