Too Fat For Life. CN: Eating disorder mentions, weight loss, trauma.

First story time.

Once upon a time yours truly was a (as I thought then) super fat fat fatty teenager who was in fact too fat to live. A large part of why I felt this way included:

  • I was not “thin”
  • I did not have a flat stomach.
  • My thighs touched.
  • The culture of my community, made no bones about fatness.
  • Anxiety fueled food disordered behavior.
  • Budding exercise addiction.

Among other things.

I have a distinct memory of a friend talking about how enormous another girl was. HOw she was just SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCH a cow. Y’all know, I remember I must’ve pulled a face because I was absolutely a larger person than the girl in question. I don’t remember precisely but I feel like I probably said something like, so what do you think of me and was reassured of my prettiness.

For reference, I was 5’2 and at that point weight about 140 pounds or so. I’ve always been thickly built. Even when I was in the lowest percentile for height, I’ve always had big muscly thighs, etc. In my mind, I was in fact about to drop dead of fatness. Mind you, this was before the Fat Panic swept the world and every other health article wasn’t screaming OH SHIT WE HAVE NO REAL PROOF BUT U GONNA DIE FATASS!

 

After a period of intense attempts at weightloss, I arrived at fuck it. Not a good kind of fuck it. More the, well I’m fat and ugly anyway so I’m gonna do what I wanna do. I decided that summer to run. I got kitted up and started running. The first time I was running, I was chugging my way up a hill and a carload of grown men, slowed to call me fatass, call me a fat bitch and throw garbage at me.

They went around again because I had nowhere to go, did the same thing and I went home in terrified tears.

Fast forward a few years to my first gym membership, I was about the same weight and my second time going, a few older women in the locker room had a long conversation about how unfortunate my body was. I was something like 20 or so and I felt violated.

Another attempt at being a runner later on, more trash thrown. Yelled at. Told to go home. Called a bitch, told to go die.

Fast forward more and I’m fatter and on the internet.

One of my first outfit photos, I found it was taken and used to build a base to make fun of me from.

And the thing is, I’ve never really been that fat. The fattest I’ve been is relatively small fat. Granted, back in the day the availability of clothing for me was very limited but I made do. When I first dabbled in body politics, I had full awareness that I had it far easier than my death fat friends. I didn’t know the term privilege but I understood and respected the concept.

As we head towards Christmas and the post-Thanksgiving OH SHIT U SUCK season, let’s talk about some things that aren’t true.

There is the theory that if you are fat, seem fat, are fat, are really fucking fat that you should be doing the following:

  • LOSE WEIGHT BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY
  • HATE YOURSELF INTO LOSING WEIGHT
  • LISTEN TO EVERY SHITBIRD THEORY ABOUT WHY YOU’RE FAT
  • DON’T LEAVE YOUR HOUSE
  • DON’T EVER HAVE A GOOD TIME
  • DON’T GET CAUGHT EATING
  • DON’T GET CAUGHT ENJOYING ANYTHING

If you are Fat, you must always be miserable, self hating, and not be visible to anyone ever for any reason.

You should also if you are a woman, be as femme as possible at all times. You should “at least” have a socially acceptable hourglass type shape but still hate yourself. You should always say, I’m sexy because obviously any one who is a woman and who is fat should be grateful anyone thinks they are attractive but also, you should still hate yourself. You should hate yourself SO MUCH you don’t buy nice clothes. Sackcloth only. You should hate yourself so much, you continuously talk about hating your body and your fatness while you’re also only nibbling a tic tac in public because OMG.

If you are going to be fat, you have to be a Good Fat. You should always start every conversation with, “I’m fat but” insert next bit here. I exercise, I’m a vegan I’m blablabla NOT A BAD FATTY.

You should believe ever click bait sketchily researched “study” that says, YOU GONNA DIE FATASS. You should buy EVERY MIRACLE FRUIT THAT WILL LITERALLY MELT THE POUNDS OFF.

The thing is, the lies we’re told when we’re fat are legion. At the bottom of them, is this.

If you are fat you should not live in the broadest sense of the word.

If the “fat diesases” don’t kill you right this instant, than well fuck you.

The proof of the base lie is that if you are fat and objectively “doing something” as in you’re exercising, talking about wanting access to size 32 active wear, talking about the cost of said active wear if you can find it, talking about access to good food etc- you are still not allowed to just exist.

That is the lie of the Good Vs Bad Fatty dichotomy.

I was inspired to write this by a news story where another fat model in fitness clothing doing fitness, was shamed. There was another one where a famous fat runner was on the cover of a running magazine, photographed while running, and then trolled mercilessly WHILE SHE WAS RUNNING A FUCKING MARATHON- because she’s fat.

My fat friends.

I’m talking to you. Non fat folks, pay attention but this ain’t about you.

My fat friends.

If you are struggling with your own fatness, it’s okay.

You don’t have to be 100% fat accepting or whatever all the time.

You are allowed to be fat and just exist.

All this other shit, the bullshit trolls say, the bullshit you might hear from family at get togethers, the New Year New Me diet push that’s coming, etc etc is just shit.

It is all lies.

This is also heavily on my mind because as I’ve mentioned in the past few years I lost weight. In the ER in October, I was weighed and it turns out I weigh a lot less than I thought. I felt pride for two seconds until, you know what?

The type of people who back in the day when I was a lot fatter could only call me a fat bitch to argue with me, are the same type of people who reach for it now.

I believe in bodily autonomy and you can do whatever you want with your body.

I also believe that narrowing your life to numbers on a scale, a pants size or the idea that there is a right weight for existence and living life is not good for you.

You can be fat and live.

You can.

And in living, if you wanna take up jogging or belly dancing or wanna sit on the couch and eat nachos, you’re allowed because you are your own person.

I don’t say this lightly.

I don’t believe in hate change.

I’m talking about self-hate, hate from outside all of it. Changing because of hate will back fire. I’ve seen it in my own life, my friends lives. I’ve known people who died because they fueled their eating disorders with hate and there was never time to let themselves live.

I’m not saying you have to be all love and sunshine. Nah that’s unrealistic.

I’m saying, instead of buying into the lies get into what they fuel in you and work out how to not use that hate to punish yourself.

I guess, what I want you to know is that you can live.

LIVE.

Some stuff will be harder for some of us for physical or mental reasons. That’s okay. It doesn’t make any of our experiences less valid just different.

As we head into a new year and there’s going to be so much shaming shitty shit in the world, brace yourselves. Start talking to yourself about this before shit gets dire you know?

There’ll be more.

That’s all right now.

 

Gender Feels are Upon Me

If you didn’t know already, I am not a cis person. Read about it here.

I’ve been thinking about the gender indicators in my life/aesthetics. I have some more non-fiction in the works about this stuff, and that the best way to describe my gender is Femme. If you want to know about Queer Femme sorts, start here this is pretty great.

When I was lil baby Femme, normally when I felt more like FemmeBoi I would break out my (note most clothes, stuff will be affiliate links) bondage pants, saggy jeans, the occasional snapback and I usually would cut all my hair off. I kind of hated that but kind of loved it.

Looking back, a lot of my gender presentation was based on what I thought was masculine. Boots, oxfords, I wore a lot of oxfords. Trousers if I wasn’t wearing bondage pants. Mens clothes.

Now that I’m older, I realize that masculinity is not one size fit all. So what do I do now?

I’ve been in the long process of unfucking my wardrobe, mainly in figuring out what fits what doesn’t and getting rid of some truly raggedy shit.

If you’ve been here for a minute you know I’m an Aging Goth, I hate wearing pants, I’m not a fan of non stretchy waistbands. My style is pretty Femme. Lately all I want in the world are printed leggings, skater dresses, skater skirts, boots (UGH if those weren’t Demonia I’d buy them  next I love them so much, I’ll make a post about Demona later), tall socks and maybe some big ole ratty sweaters.

So what/how am I altering my gender expression to match my mood?

These days it is still boots but instead of trousers I wear leggings. Or if I’m feeling it, I might wear my only slightly trusty Dickies. And my very worn trusty old Docs. The short ones.  I also tend to wear more masculine scents. Yes, I KNOW scentless but doing that makes me super unhappy and I try not to douse myself. Honest.

The funniest thing to me about my gender expression and style is that it’s fairly genderless at this point. Mainly my gender expression has turned into aesthetic goals.

These include:

  • Looking like an anime villain.
  • Low key cosplay.
  • Regal Goth Prince
  • Kinda butchy Domme in business/sex wear. (Don’t ask I dunno yet)
  • Alien Nazgul Queen (Queen as in Queer not monarch)

What else is in my dream aesthetic? Sex and danger. A little androgyny. Fully beat face, with some masculine swagger. Because I can do that. That is what my body does naturally depending on what gender feels I’m having at any one time.

Later in life when I’ve got the cash I will continue with my body mods as well. We’ll talk about that in another post.

Basically, I want my outside decoration to entirely flow with the tide of my feelings. It will be hard, but I believe in myself.

That’s all for now.

 

 

 

My Body Image is Broken

Content Warning: Body image, negative self talk, weight.

Lately I have not been super nice to my body. My weight shifted slightly again and I’m very disappointed in myself and my ass. I don’t want to be losing weight at all.

I’ve been looking at my body and tend to be thinking shitty things about it. I’m mad because my ass is not as full as I want. Because the random perimenopause bloat means I’m never totally sure what will fit. I’ve been in a lot of pain lately, new pain, different pain and I’m mad about that.

Ugh.

I feel a need to confess some things so y’all understand what I’m struggling with.

My personal idea of the Ultimate Shannon Body isn’t really like a thin body type. Frankly, when I’m much smaller than I am now, I’m mad uncomfortable.

What would make me the happiest would be to be built like a beefy, big titty having, brick shithouse.

Basically, my ideal is all muscle under my chub (my body does not do serious body fat reductions without a lot of harm) with big boobs.

I know how to achieve that. The how isn’t really a problem. The problem is that doing so causes me a bucketful of other problems. That much exercise exacerbates my insomnia, low blood sugar issues etc. It’s just not really worth the toll it takes.

I know that intellectually.

Emotionally, I want it.

Emotionally, I want to resume what I used to do to deal with my feelings. Soul crushing, punitive work outs.

Once upon a time I worked out mainly to punish myself for feeling things. I made my body suffer so I wouldn’t necessarily have to deal with my emotions. That is not okay and was a huge problem for me. It was another way to turn my aggression inward and often I’d wind up having trouble walking because of my knees and ankles, pulled muscles, falls nothing good.

What I’m going through now is emotional.

These are the type of feelings that for me can lead down a real dark path. Disordered eating, depression, etc.

So what do I do?

Instead of muscling, pun intended, through it I’m thinking about it. I’m letting myself have these feelings and examine them.

For right now, there are non brickhouse baby things I’d like to do.

  • Relearn how to bellydance
  • Increase my flexibility
  • Decrease some of my pain as I can

The thing that gives me pause is the potentiality of weightloss I don’t want. Also the cost. I need a sports bra, those are expensive as fuck cause big ass titties. I’m not going to get a gym membership, too much temptation for going balls out.

So what I’m going for is harm reduction. Lately I’ve been doing some power walking (YAY) and light stretching. I am looking for a flexibility training thing to do, we all know I still hate yoga.

I am going to do my level best to take it easy on myself.

Right now, I’m doing what feels okay and not like it is putting myself in harms way. I feel kind of okay about all of it right now. I’m still bitter about my body not being the same fat body I was in love with. I’m bitter about having pain that I can’t really do much about.

My main goal here is emotional soothing rather than physical change. Some extra flexibility is great, but peace of mind is better.

We’ll see how it turns out.

I feel better already.

 

What has been seen…Oh Dani no. CN: rape culture, anti fatness, patriarchy

Many of you may have seen around the internets today that Playboy model Dani Mathers  “accidentally” publicly snapchatted a naked women (who was unaware she was being filmed or watched) with the charming caption:

If I can’t unsee this you can’t either.

Head over here to Good House Keeping to view the story and the photo (I am so glad the photo has been censored) and you can see Ms. Mather’s shitty I got busted fauxpology.

First, let’s establish a few things.

While in some states it might not be strictly illegal to do what she did, it is a fucked up thing to do. As someone who makes money off of her image she should know that first and foremost (because obviously morality didn’t come to play here) that shit is expensive. How mad would she be if her highly valuable image was distributed in this manner without her consent or a paycheck?

Second of all. She is doing exactly the same type of shit that MANY women talk about. Her behavior is dangerous, creates an explicitly unsafe space for someone she apparently doesn’t think is fuckable or based on her ideas of what an acceptable body is. This is the shit that many women rage against strange men doing, this is the type of predation that bathroom scare folks believe trans people will do in bathrooms, THIS is the type of behavior that keeps a lot of people out of the gym.

Now onto the “apology”.

“I just wanted to acknowledge a photo that I accidentally posted on Snapchat earlier today and let you guys know that that was absolutely wrong, and not what I meant to do. I have chosen to do what I do for a living because I love the female body and I know that body shaming is wrong and that’s not what I’m about, that’s not the type of person that I am. That photo was taken to be a personal conversation with a girlfriend, and because I am new to Snapchat, I didn’t realize that I had posted it and that was a huge mistake.”

Ahem.

I call entire bullshit on this.

First of all, it wasn’t a fucking accident. I don’t use snapshot, but I don’t think you can accidentally film and caption things without going through some steps.

Second bullshit. “Not what I meant to do” so, what WERE you doing? If you take a photo and use a phrase like can’t be unseen, what you are saying is that by seeing (I saw the uncensored version) the naked body of a not really fat, but average woman at a sink presumably washing her face or something, you have been traumatized.

If we infer why, it’s because holy shit GROSS A PERSON WITH A BODY THAT IS NOT DESIREABLE TO YOU IS DOING SOMETHING HOLY SHIT YOUR LIFE IS RUINED.

Right?

Now let’s note she isn’t sorry for insulting the anonymous naked woman or her body. She LOVES the female body so much she instead says this, “That photo was taken to be a personal conversation with a girlfriend-“

She’s sorry for getting caught being a judgy douchebag.

One of the reasons I personally stopped going to gyms are people like her. Luckily for me there were no camera phones at the time, but, I more than once found myself changing or shaving my legs or whatever at the gym only to find (usually) thin White women laughing, staring etc.

This is why so many people fat and not won’t exercise in public. Won’t go to the gym.

This is where we put the lie to the idea that people like Ms. Mathers ” I love the female body”.

No if people who ever use the phrase “I love women’s/female bodies” it should be qualified with the truth of the statement. They almost always “love” the bodies they find fuckable.

The use of love is not in the caring, I hope your life is a wonderful type of way. It is in the manner that means, you deserve to live/be because you are STILL desirable. I’d fuck you so your life has value.

So not only is Ms. Mathers replicating patriarchal heterosexist behaviors. She has now deleted her twitter so I can only imagine but come on.

I will say again what I’ve been saying for years. This type of behavior is not demonstrative of any kind of good or the lovely kind of love.

It is a kiss followed by a slap.

If you love someone, you wouldn’t want to humiliate them publicly OR privately.

If you support folks with all kinds of bodies workin on their fitness, you would not want to humiliate them publicly OR privately.

If the immediate justification is something like, OMG IT IS MAH OPINION well your opinion is shitty. I do not believe that opinion that actively harm people are just as okay as opinions that don’t. Fuck that.

Think it if you want to or need to, but understand that I don’t think it need airtime.

And let’s not forget how many fucked up ways doing this sort of thing violates consent and is fallout from rape culture that says that any woman doing anything anytime is fair game.

Rape culture indicates to us who are or present as women that we are always fair game. Whether it is for fap material for random dudes or to be humiliated we’re supposed to just accept it. Now this, this behavior is emblematic of that aspect of rape culture and I hope she’s thinking about it.

Dani Mathers violate another woman in multiple ways. She only apologized for getting caught doing it and I hope she’s having to deal with the ramifications of her behavior.

I sincerely hope that this is a learning thing for her. I hope that she’ll have the time and space to really dig into why she thought it would be so funny to shame this other woman at the gym. About why she thought it was totally okay if it was private. I hope she learns how to apologize for real. I hope she starts thinking about what consent means, especially in terms of being involved in the adult industry and how she can maybe learn to take consent more seriously.

 

 

Amusements and Hustles.

First amusements.

When I got dressed this morning my main needs were comfy, somewhat warm and comfy. I am wearing leggings, a black cami and a big grey sweater and OTK black boots. Here is half my oufit:

ootd

As I was walking to the bus I had the most vivid memory.

Imagine yours truly, a middle teens potato. I remember I bought a black catsuit from the dirtmall (swapmeet) and I had these little kitten heel ankle boots and a color blocked acetate blazer WITH them shoulder pads. I put together this outfit with these big ass hoop earrings, some bangles and yes big ass bangs. I felt so cute for about two seconds and promptly burst into tears.

I recall stripping it all off and putting it in a drawer. I never once wore that catsuit. I remember throwing myself on my bed face down (in classic TV teen fashion) and crying my eyes out because how dare fat little me think I could ever expose people to the sight of my ass in that cat suit. I wrote for days in my diary about what a terrible shit person I was for even considering it.

I wrote about how I knew what size the girls people I knew called “cows” and that I was bigger than them and I imagined what people might say about me.

What’s amusing is that now, more than half my life later all those things I thought are so foreign to me. They don’t hurt anymore. I can look back and kind of shake my head at baby me. I want to go back in time and tell them that their body was great. That their body was a wee tank and to stop fucking doing high impact sports and exercise.

The other thing that I find amusing is that my current internal monologue about my body revolves around keeping my ass the size it is, being mad that my underboob is chafing or that I’ve unleashed hell fire between my thighs by forgetting to get my chub rub protection on.

So you know, if you are struggling with this stuff. If you work on it and learn to adjust your thinking it does get better, someday you might even be like me look back and just kind of chuckle.

Now some hustle news.

I am back in the Amazon Affiliate program.

This means a few things for this here bloggy blog.

  1. I will use A LOT of amazon links. I don’t make that much but it adds up.
  2. I have stated rebuilding my amazon store. Basically I pretend like I get to have my ultimate beauty, book and thangs store. Everything in it is hand picked by me. I make choices about it. So far it’s just beauty and books but I’ll be adding a clothing section a food/snax/tea section and probably a gadgets/tech section. Find it here. 

Also, I’m working on doing some extra stuff over at Patreon. This week I posted up a free story set in the universe of my ongoing draft of my first urban fantasy book The Daiyu Saga. Get that here.

I am seriously doubling down on that grind right now. I am also working on some new special content for this lil spot.

Wig review is on the way. More beauty reviews. You know the shit I like.

That’s all my darlings. I’m going to also consider doing a few more beauty things. I have stuff to say.

Later taters. Happy Pride if you celebrate it. Be safe, hug people you love and have a fine damn time.

How to Write about Fat People

Lately on the facebooks and around the internet I’ve seen a trend I both love and hate.

I’ve seen clickbaity stories where the big reveal is OMG this person is doing a thing AND HOLY FUCKING SHIT THEY ARE FAT.

The other thing I see is like this:

Video link gets posted and the description is something like blablabla, despite being fat, blablabla but fat/large/rotund/enter other cutesy word that is not fat.

Here is the problem.

It’s not body positive at all to use fat people doing things that seem extraordinary (exercising, being cute in a bikini, walking, living you know being human) in spite of what we perceive as something insurmountable to doing the thing. Being fat.

(This also applies to disability inspiration porn, but we’ll get to that)

We don’t expect fat people to ever, EVER dare to feel good about themselves or have the body confidence or style or an interest in dancing or running or yoga or ANYTHING deemed by our culture as beyond the reach of people who live in fat bodies.

Viewed through the moralistic lens that tells us that in addition to being unsightly, being fat is just immoral, these articles, video shares etc support the idea that being fat is the thing that will make it hard to attain goals. Whether they are flying to Paris, buying a wedding dress, getting a tattoo, whatever. Fat people are often expected to be constantly vigilant about not being fat anymore.

Whether that is through constant dieting, pathological eating or exercise habits, by any means necessary. Fat people are often expected to make that the priority.

There is our setup.

Next, when we present fat people doing things and have the background to understand that their fatness is not only supposed to be unsightly, it is also immoral and as our culture dictates the one thing that might keep fat people from doing things.

If we are coming from that point, of course we have to put the modifiers on our discussions of fat people doing things.

Large but graceful…

Plus size and so brave….

Unhealthy fat bitch but oh wow, I wish I could do that (an actual comment I saw on a dance video last night).

This is such a problem riddle me this.

A photo of one of the fat, like really fucking fat yoga person in a complicated beautiful poses. They had their hams out and fat flyin in the wind and it was pretty amazing. Half of the posts where people (both fat and not) who first wanted to talk about how the yoga person would have been SO MUCH BETTER if they were thinner, and then with the modifiers in place talk about how great it is to see a fat person overcoming their fatness to do something.

The mind fuck is real.

This is not how to write about or talk to fat people. But, I don’t expect better from comments because, we all know why.

I do take issue with writers who are too lazy to stop doing that.

Language matters. How we use it can often start conversations where we can first question commonly held harmful ideas, challenge them and start changing them first for ourselves and like a virus for others.

Before I get into the language miss me with the PC Police whining bullshit. Just don’t. If that’s your stance, why the fuck are you here?

Moving on.

If a writer chooses a phrase like: large but graceful we as the reader understand instinctively that this is an anomaly because large and graceful cannot coexist.

Further, when we add in cultural ideas about fatness we see that this person is virtuous because they are “doing something” (whether the fat person is dancing or doing something for weight loss or not) and by choosing to use this language the writer is othering the person from bad fat people. That type of phrase reinforces the idea that fatness is the barrier to a fat person doing things, rather than as is often the case society.

I will take a risk here and peak for a lot of fat people and say that often when fat folks aren’t doing things they love or that make them feel good it isn’t because of their bodies but how they are treated by people.

I’ll use myself as an example.

I love to dance. I had a period of time where I had money and time to take a class and I took the free one. What wound up happening was this attitude. I was patted on the back for doing something because the presumption was that I was doing it to not be fat anymore and not because I loved it. I was given back handed praise, “you’re doing well for someone your size good job!” And a few times was harassed, women snickering at my fat ass in my yoga pants.

See also when I was running while fat, having garbage thrown at me, people mooing at me, looks of disgust when I was at the gym.

Like a lot of other fat folks, it was not my body preventing me or making me stop doing those things. It was the stress of being publicly humiliated to one degree or another.

Combating this whole problem is pretty simple.

Stop using the modifiers.

Correct them when you share a story or video.

You can say this person is graceful/awesome as fuck.

That’s it.

Don’t use fat people as some sort of personal force to make you feel better about yourself or to shame other people into doing things.

It’s a good start to unlearning the way we talk about people who are doing things while having non-normative bodies or ability or neurological differences.

This is part of doing the work in terms of body politics.

Think about it.

Goodbye Fat Booty.

CW: Unintentional Weight Loss. Mourning the fatness.

I have self identified bodily and personally as a fat person for a very long time.  For years I was a pretty comfortable size 16/18ish. Things with my body were going pretty well.

And then (not literally) suddenly I was not fat anymore.

This has not been easy or felt very good. This is not about some new miracle unicorn pee weight loss thing. I realized just past Black Friday last year after I purchased some winter clothing that I no longer knew how to buy clothes for the body I have, I don’t know immediately what size to buy. I don’t know my body anymore.

In the mirror my body doesn’t look like my own. My belly is not my belly. It’s a weird smaller belly. My butt, my fucking butt no longer fills out my pants. Even my smaller pants. There is not enough booty in the pants and it feels weird.

I’ve been really struggling with my body image at this size. I’m (I finally measured) about a size 10-12. Solidly no longer plus size (except in the boobs/shoulders) and in the bullshit limbo between jrs and grown up woman. I feel self conscious and aware of my body in a way that isn’t nice and I don’t like it.

I’ve been hating my body quite a lot.

This is not the body I was in love with.

People have called me tiny. Some friends have been worried about my health in a real holy shit are you sick kind of way.

I’m pretty healthy metabolically speaking. My generally low BP is what it is, I’ve been working very hard to not let my blood sugar crash and to eat regularly and well. I’m working on my stress levels and everything.

But-

Again the magical idea of weight loss hasn’t made anything better for me. When I first noticed it, I was completely devastated. I’d saved up some money for clothes from one of the awesome fatty boutiques priced stores and yeah no. Emotionally, I’m heartbroken.

On one level I feel the loss and fear that I won’t have my fat community anymore. There are folks who I’ve known for years. This isn’t a reflection on them, it’s on my own loss.

I feel like it’s more difficult to explain my body politics because why should the formerly fatass be talking about fat folks stuff? The fact that my opinions and ideas about bodies and fatness haven’t changed, I find it harder to get through the initial impression my actual body makes on folks that then makes it hard for them to engage with the words that are coming out of my mouth.

And, if I’m going to keep it 100% I am in mourning. I’m mourning my fatness, and my belly and my side rolls and my slightly rounder booty and how I could pack it in a size 14 dress and look like a chubby vixen cartoon character and how my butt looked in my size 16 Old navy The sweetheart pants.

I’m mourning having to reteach myself to use my online thrifting super power.

I’m mourning fatness.

I’m mourning the body I loved and it’s been really fucking hard. Folks who follow me around the internet have seen that it’s rare I post OOTD’s anymore. I used to say it was a lack of a good way to take them, but the truth is I just didn’t want people to see my body.

I’ve spent a lot of time denying that this has been  happening. My pants were just stretched out because they are old. It’s totally normal to have to hold up your pants with a hair tie. Totally normal for your new tights (bought for your old sized ass) fall down when you walk. It was fine.

I was fine.

I’m not fine.

I’ve been slowly culling my clothes. Purging the worn out ugly shit I have held on to because I’m afraid to invest in pieces, lest the size of my ass change again.

I’m trying to adjust.

I’m trying not to be angry at myself and my ass. I’m trying to learn to love this new body. I’m suspicious of it. I’m a little afraid of it.

I’m trying to see the silver lining. Clothing options in my price range have increased and because I’m deeply aware of this privilege it makes me very angry.

I haven’t talked a lot about this with anyone even my Wifey (my best friend of almost 20 years) because it’s so fucking hard. My feelings are all over the place, but are mostly bad. I want my fat ass back. I don’t want to be so hateful towards my body. That is something I have done so much emotional work around I feel like I’m having to start over again.

But this is a start.

This is also another reason why I wanted to start blogging again. These are big, complicated feelings that I need my own space to work through.

All this said, in an attempt to do a little bit of reclamation this is me now.

Behold an OOTD from the bathroom of a fancy hotel.

artho

The author, a chubby Black woman wearing a long black dress. 

There I am now.