File Under Musings: Possible Regrets?

If you’re interested in any of my writings about the election check here.

I want to talk about something I had a great interest in and let kind of lapse. Burlesque.

I’m watching a great documentary called Exposed about it and because the people aren’t all cisheteronormative types, it has me thinking and remembering.

My interest in burlesque started when I was probably 7 years old. I idolized Josephine Baker, G*spy Rose Lee, fan dancers, drag queens the whole idea of such flamboyant performative feminity that I didn’t necessarily hook to gender (even back then) really pulled at my heart.

I’ve been in a very navel gazey mood and thinking about how I felt as a lil genderqueer baby potato and wow, those feelings are real and they were valid.

In terms of burlesque, in my early 20s I did some. I was stripping under the table and had a burly q type little act. What sucks about it is that NONE of the people I did it for are actually alive anymore. Damn okay.

I had two acts. One was all about me exploring being a big dick Femme Daddy. I wore a big strap on that I tied to my thigh until I started swinging it about. It wasn’t super refined, I had nobody I felt safe working on it with. My other act was very Super Goth Domme with a lot of shiny vinyl and slinking around menacingly.

In spite of my shyness, stripping and burlyqing on the downlow helped me during a time when my body image was broken.I was constantly battling a deep body dysmorphia that was connected to my anxiety and my eating disorder. I wasn’t totally active in my ED but I wasn’t not. It was a weird time. When I was stripping, I felt a kind of bodily power and physicality I didn’t feel at any other time.

Even when I couldn’t get hired at any of the local strip clubs because I was too chunky or weird shaped or not “Black” (I have a small ass) enough, those under the table (and frankly dangerous) gigs gave me something I didn’t have in my life. I was unable to figure out how to present myself in a way that felt good to me during the day, but sometimes I’d get the call and feel good.

Fast forward a couple of years. I quit DL stripping and only did a few more burlyq things. Then Seattle discovered Burlesque as a thing and I went to some shows. What I found were Thin White Pretty women doing stuff and as I tentatively explored the community both here in Seattle and online, I saw no space for someone like me.

At that point in my life I was not the brave fatass y’all know today. I was shy and hurt, I didn’t have the language to articulate why I felt unqualified to even approach the burlesque troupes/classes aside from Fat, Black, weird. Not “pretty” not any of the famous stars associated with neo-burlesque.

So I gave it up. And over the years I felt quite bitter. I felt cheated because I felt like I had some great ideas. But I felt so uncomfortable even approaching the scene, that I stayed out of it.

My desire to do this particular creative thing has been strongish lately. I have that need to move my body, to create something that isn’t writing that gets into gender, transgression, my weirdness, aging, my body. But, I don’t necessarily want to be part of a lot of what I see. This need also intersects with my interest in making little films.

Looking back over the years now, I do regret that I gave it up. Like bellydancing and a lot of other stuff, I let the constant beating of the cis thin white lady beauty ideal push me out. I also acknowledge and honor that baby me, lil potato big dick femme Daddy me wanted to protect themself and their heart and that’s real too.

Currently I don’t want to put myself back in that place. My experiences with anything to do with movement/dance/etc in Seattle is not great to be honest and what would be good for me, I don’t have access to because work. I’m not really keen to expose myself to that overmuch.

So what do I do?

Right now I’ve been doing a bit of dancing. Nothing serious because baby needs a sports bra and Femme Daddy has tig ole biddies and that shit is expensive.

I twerk while I brush my teeth or wash my face.

Sometimes I think about burlyq things I’d maybe like to do.

Sometimes I daydream about a big burlyq/strip show open to ALL bodies and gender presentations and dream about it just being the Biggest Queerest Most Awesome thing ever.

Sometimes I think if the right opportunity comes i might try to perform one more time.

I’m thinking about it.

If you read all that thanks, I really needed to decompress.

Be safe y’all.

 

 

Gender Feels are Upon Me

If you didn’t know already, I am not a cis person. Read about it here.

I’ve been thinking about the gender indicators in my life/aesthetics. I have some more non-fiction in the works about this stuff, and that the best way to describe my gender is Femme. If you want to know about Queer Femme sorts, start here this is pretty great.

When I was lil baby Femme, normally when I felt more like FemmeBoi I would break out my (note most clothes, stuff will be affiliate links) bondage pants, saggy jeans, the occasional snapback and I usually would cut all my hair off. I kind of hated that but kind of loved it.

Looking back, a lot of my gender presentation was based on what I thought was masculine. Boots, oxfords, I wore a lot of oxfords. Trousers if I wasn’t wearing bondage pants. Mens clothes.

Now that I’m older, I realize that masculinity is not one size fit all. So what do I do now?

I’ve been in the long process of unfucking my wardrobe, mainly in figuring out what fits what doesn’t and getting rid of some truly raggedy shit.

If you’ve been here for a minute you know I’m an Aging Goth, I hate wearing pants, I’m not a fan of non stretchy waistbands. My style is pretty Femme. Lately all I want in the world are printed leggings, skater dresses, skater skirts, boots (UGH if those weren’t Demonia I’d buy them  next I love them so much, I’ll make a post about Demona later), tall socks and maybe some big ole ratty sweaters.

So what/how am I altering my gender expression to match my mood?

These days it is still boots but instead of trousers I wear leggings. Or if I’m feeling it, I might wear my only slightly trusty Dickies. And my very worn trusty old Docs. The short ones.  I also tend to wear more masculine scents. Yes, I KNOW scentless but doing that makes me super unhappy and I try not to douse myself. Honest.

The funniest thing to me about my gender expression and style is that it’s fairly genderless at this point. Mainly my gender expression has turned into aesthetic goals.

These include:

  • Looking like an anime villain.
  • Low key cosplay.
  • Regal Goth Prince
  • Kinda butchy Domme in business/sex wear. (Don’t ask I dunno yet)
  • Alien Nazgul Queen (Queen as in Queer not monarch)

What else is in my dream aesthetic? Sex and danger. A little androgyny. Fully beat face, with some masculine swagger. Because I can do that. That is what my body does naturally depending on what gender feels I’m having at any one time.

Later in life when I’ve got the cash I will continue with my body mods as well. We’ll talk about that in another post.

Basically, I want my outside decoration to entirely flow with the tide of my feelings. It will be hard, but I believe in myself.

That’s all for now.