London Fog Thames Boot Review

Hello darlings.

Today I want to share just how adult I have been lately. I had a 25$ Amazon gift card sitting around and I’d fully intended on buying (amazon affiliate links ahoy) this. There are few things I love more than lounging about in my house in awesome jammies.

However, I’ve spent a bunch of time so far this Fall figuring out which of my shoes are waterproof and which aren’t. 90% of them are not. I walk everywhere so that was not a good look.

My Black Docs still aren’t fucking borken in. I love them but they sure are the devil. So I decided to buy my first pair of grown up ass rain boots.

I did not buy the bullshit printed wellies that bust at the seams a few weeks in. I bought legit Rain. Boots.

I bought these. Click here to see on Amazon.

boot

[image description: image of a tall shiny black rain boot]

This is the London Fog Thames rain boot. Most places they run between 60-70 dollars. I would not pay that much. I think the Amazon price is right.

Out of the box they smell funny like all rubber things. They arrived packaged okay, nothing stellar.

The boot itself is very well constructed, the rubber is nice and flexible. There is a cloth lining that is fairly warm. The fit is pretty spot on a 7. I feel like if I wear super thick socks they might be a bit tight. If you like to wear two pairs of socks, maybe size up.

The calf is listed as being 16 inches around. That seems pretty accurate to me. They still went on easily with thick socks and leggings. If your calves are on the thicker size these will likely not work for you.

I’m not a huge fan of rain boots in general, but I can work with these. Tall socks and leggings are the name of the fall game.

It took me a while to find a pair I liked. I might or might not look for some printed ones. I won’t say these are better than awesome jammies, but they are a distant third.

If these will fit your calves I’d say it’s a good deal. There are some other colors and a dark floral print. Overall I’m gonna give these a 4.5 mainly because they aren’t quite tall enough in the foot to wear with my insoles so take a half a star for that.

I was going to attach a photo of the boots in action but, nope.

Take my word for it I look super cute.

The Aging Goth in Fall- Outfit breakdown

Hello. I performed a week or so ago with a group of QTPOC writers and let’s talk about my fashion.

Behold, old Goth in Fall:

ootd

[image description: photo of a black person in a plum.brown wig, wearing glasses. their outfit is all black, a black tee shirt, a black velvet mini skater skirt, black tights, black thigh high socks and black tall sneakers]

About my hair, I’ll do a FULL review soon.

So the outfit I was originally going to wear some layers of lacy dress+skirts but the forecast was windy and stormy and we had a bit of a walk to get where we were going. This y’all is very close to what I liked in the early 2000s. I definitely was going for some Daria vibes along with some cute flirty realness.

And if I’m going to keep it 100 my other outfit was also matched to different hair.

I accidentally (GOTH PROBLEMS Y’ALL) grabbed my terrible control top tights which was a mistake. Y’all, if you are at all prone to any type of bloating DO NOT DO.

That aside, I have to say for a this was not my plan outfit I felt pretty cute.

Can we talk about this being a poor goth miracle?

The shoes. The sneakers are Demonia Tyrant boot. They are from a few seasons ago. My Partner Uniballer spotted a single pair in my size on Amazon a few years ago and snatched them up for like 25$. They have a steel toe and buckle up the back, I LOVE them. And y’all know I have a love/hate relationship with Demonia. These made up for some duds.

The outfit was a win.

Now I want to switch gears a little bit.

A while after I posted my outfit on tumblr, I saw it pass by in my feed and was taken aback. That’s me? That small person is me? I’m experiencing some level of WTF in regard to seeing my body clothed or no in mirrors or photographs.

My weight has been stable for about a year now and I’m still very startled to see that my thighs aren’t the same size as they are in memory. It’s a minor type of dysphoria that I believe (after a long talk about it with my Wifey) a big part of it is that 95% of my clothes are too big. Every pair of pants I own is held up by my favorite personal hack (an elastic band headband looped through the front belt area cause I don’t own a belt) and they only have the illusion of fitting.

It’s rare that I wear things that fit the body I have now and I think because I only see my body in terms of loose/baggy clothes, when I see it in form fitting or things that just fit properly my poor lil mind is kinda blown.

If I’m going to be honest, I don’t like how weird and small I look in photos. I don’t think this dislike will evolve into something harmful. Right now I’m uncomfortable and it’s okay. Sometimes, our bodies will do stuff and it’s weird and it’s okay to be unsure if you like it or not.

I’m hoping that if I can get some basic clothes that fit I’ll feel better.

I’m also going to try to take more outfit pictures because for me, exposure works. I feel weird about my body so I need to see it this way more.

Okay I think that’s it for right now. Next time we’ll talk about shopping for leggings when you don’t have awesome leggings money, wearing printed leggings and ways to find leggings that will work with your particular booty.

Some visual inspo.

So let’s talk about some of the people I find beautiful.

I know I have a few readers who use screen readers and I’ve been trying really hard to do better image descriptions, if any of y’all have suggestions as to how I can do better PLEASE tell me. I’m very not confident that I’m doing them right.

Let’s dive in.

stevie

[image description: Stevie Nicks in a black and white photo posed as if dancing. She is wearing a tophat and sheery layered dress]

Okay, my first Goth flavored love was Stevie Nicks. Y’all, I cannot tell you how many times I was buck naked draped in a blanket spinning and caterwauling Rhiannon or marching to Tusk. I’ve always found her mesmerizing and occasionally to this day I will put on a shawl and spin.

Next up, Sigourney Weaver from Alien. Yes, I probably shouldn’t have seen that movie so young but I did and frankly between her and the Xenomorph queen well….here I am. Between Ripley being the most bad ass woman I had ever seen, her angular handsome face, and how unglamorous she was and so focused on ass kickery- y’all. If I wasn’t pretty fuckin queer at birth I will say that Ripley made me. I mean-

aliens_sigourney_weaver_ellen_ripley

[Image description: Sigourney Weaver with short brown hair, holding a child in one arm and a large gun in the other. 

Looking back, I both wanted to look like Ripley AND be rescued/loved by her.

siouxsie-sioux-e1441057646207-640x421

[image description: Siouxsie Sioux sitting, she has on fishnet hosiery, tall black boots, black shorts and a black vest. Her hair is big and teased, her eyes are close.

Siouxsie Sioux. I mean. I’m a Goth you knew what it would be. I remember seeing a poster of her in my punk babysitter’s room and instantly was in awe. The sharpness of her make up, the red lips, the eye. It was everything I wanted. I fell in early and deep love with punk and goth folks because I love me some dirty not pretty/pretty glamour. Give me grimy. The torn tights, the smeared eye-

Y’all.

I had no chance.

Nothing could have stopped the Gothness.

Now, rather than load up eleventy million more photos, y’all get my drift and I’ll leave some names at the bottom of this entry.

From a very young age, say about 5-6 I understood that I couldn’t be as glamorous as any of the people I found beautiful. I was dark (way darker than I am now) and small and chubby. I had an awareness that dark chunky little Shannon did not exist within the framework of white and pretty.

I couldn’t have said that, but I understood it. What I find most interesting about it is that, it was really just a thing I settled on and didn’t dwell upon. I didn’t know yet to feel bad about it, it was just a thing and I dealt with it. So, I played dress up and I spent HOURS putting on make up when someone let me, and hours studying the walks and poses. I remember once sitting in a makeup artist’s chair while my Mom was getting her hair cut so she could do some headshots for a salon and I sat with a fashion magazine and carefully duplicated a look.

The make up artist was so pleased and I loved it so much. He was pleased that I didn’t make a mess of his stuff and that I was so quiet and glamorous. I remember how good it felt to be acknowledged and seen that way. These days I’d equate it to the moments when other Femmes and I give each other the, YASSS BITCH nod and understand we’re being pretty gay with each other.

It’s the same feeling when friends post thirst trap photos and I can say LOOK at that ass and everybody knows what it is. It’s never gross or whatever because we trust each other to see each other.

When I got to about the 5th grade, then I started to feel bad for not being White nor pretty. I started to equate White and Pretty with value as a human being. That was reinforced by living in America and being one of very few Black kids in my community. I had no mirror for myself. That is when I started to really internalize ALL the anti-Blackness.

Shit is fucked up.

Around that time I also decided that my interests in alternative style was bullshit and stupid because there was no WAY I could have ever subjected people to my fat Black ass in clothes meant for Thin Pretty White girls. I would have told you at the time that I just wasn’t interested, but wouldn’t have been able to articulate why.

That was a burden I carried early.

Outside of my bedroom dress up (which I did and still do to this day) at the time I did not let my real tastes be known. Year’s at home by myself, I learned to wear forty pounds of black eyeliner by the time I was in the 8th grade, but I wouldn’t dare do it out of the house. Parental objections aside, I just didn’t believe I was allowed to engage with fashion or beauty that way.

Through high school beauty became a painful thing for me. I couldn’t buy make up because there wasn’t brown make up for me to have access to, I was just baby woke and just learning about feminism so I decided that I didn’t need it and was weak and anti-woman to want it.

I was lying. I desperately wanted to wear my hair in a caeser (it was the 90s hoes), I wanted to wear ugly babydoll dresses and combat boots. I wanted to wear tight babydoll tshirts and just so baggy pants. I wanted to look like Adina Howard and dress like Siouxsie.

I didn’t because I was of course ALL wrong for all of that.

Later I explored a bit more. I decided since I was fat and ugly anyway, I’d just wear what the fuck I wanted to wear. I wore a lot of glitter on my face, and a lot of costume jewelry, and a lot of masc thrift store vintage clothes. I wasn’t feeling brave but, like I wanted to shock people with my body.

There wre years at the time where I was very uh, self destructive with my beauty and aesthetics because I could not realize that I did deserve them and that I could engage with beauty. Shit was hard.

As I got older, I started working it out. For a few years I was the wears ultra minis and vinyl in the daytime type Goth. I was a fancy Goth for a minute. I gave it all up and wore khakis and sports wear for a couple of years (that was awful) and through my mid-20s I was perfecting my casual Femme office gothness.

Let’s wrap up here for now. Y’all see where it all started.

Next time we talk my tastes, I’ll show y’all what inspires me on a fantastical level.

Where my Style evolved from.

I want to talk some about things that have shaped my style, representation and stuff.

This is fashion, but shit is deep.

From a really early age, my aesthetic love has been the Alt folks. I remember very vividly the first time I saw punks, I was about 6 or so and they were on the sidewalk. My parents sort of laughed and I was in love. I loved their spikey hair and tattered clothes, their somewhat androgynous bodies really appealed to me. That was it.

When I saw Black folks street style in movies in the 80s and later on rappers on MTV I loved their style too. Dookie chains, beautiful Black girls with doorknockers and amazing geometric haircuts.

Those were the seeds of my style.

As I got older, especially in my teens I understood one thing.

I may have loved fashion and beauty, but it was not for me. Fat Black little me.

I couldn’t have put those words on it exactly, but, that’s what it was. When I first got into makeup in middle school, my friends could buy their Covergirl foundation at the drug store and back then there was nothing for me. I figured out how to use CG tan powder lightly on my face and I bought eyeliners but, I saw the lack.

When I saw glammed up Black women, there weren’t references to companies or brands I had access to. I didn’t even know that Black women wore foundation until I was about 17. I thought I was just an ugly Black person so I wanted coverage and concealer and stuff.

Around the same time I was starting to have an interest in Goth specifically. I knew some Goths, I saw Goths in various places and it was equally if not more inaccessible to me. I loved the fancy Goths and the punky goths. I also saw that again, it was probably not for me because I was not pale, not thin etc.

My early Goth experiences were eh. I remember going to the first Hot Topic in the area and the employees didn’t question me being there, but, I was too shy to ask for a dress I wanted in a larger size. I figured that a larger size wasn’t available, because every other bit of art, clothing etc I’d had an interest in, did not come in larger sizes.

I remember getting things like the Retail Slut catalog and a couple of other ones, but if I did save up money for things, I was outside their size range for what I wanted.

Let’s stop there for a second.

Remember, I’m an Old Goth. I didn’t have social media, I had to special order my weirdo magazines. The only images of the things I was into, were thin to super thin White cis people. There was zero representation. When I ventured into spaces with other ALT people, mostly they were decent if sometimes cluelessly racist, but I always had that pressure of being The One.

For me at the time, I felt too seen. Too visible to engage in the weirdo clothes I loved so much. As a young potato I was too shy to enjoy the visibility on a regular basis.

Cut to my early 20s and my first phase of giving zero fucks. I wore vinyl in the daytime. I got into very Fetishy schoolgirl type outfits. I liked adding a rock star item to a drab outfit. I had velvet platform high heeled boots like Stevie Nicks and I wore the fuck out of them. I dyed my hair colors and remember getting disapproval from older Black folks and white folks and everyone.

Looking back, I realize that a lot of my bravado, then was coming from a place of pain. I felt rejected from say Alt modeling (this is when I discovered that the Alt only applied to outer decoration and that underneath it was still thin white and cis) and from clothing lines and everything Alt.

I really wish baby potato me had been able to process enjoying the aesthetics while rejecting the Thin Whiteness of it without so much pain.

I would have told you that what I was doing, feeling etc was empowerment. It wasn’t. It was a fuck you born of terror. I remember buying clothes from like Jeannie Nitro or some of the more available goth labels and I’d rip them up to make them fit. Wear them anyway.

I remember back then Lip Service had bigger sizes that weren’t outside their general milieu and I wore the fuck out of them.

This is stuff I think about. I’m pretty excited about the fact that as I get closer to 40 my ideas about how to express my aesthetics and wearing my feelings and decorating my temple as I see fit has come to be a joyful thing for me rather than a padding from pain.

One of the reasons for this post is because I’m going to do an influences post and while I was collecting photos earlier, I saw just how White and Thin it was and I felt disheartened but I’m not gonna lie. So this is where I’m coming from.

Also later this week I’m going to do a how yours truly would dress if neither money nor size was an issue. I’m probably going to need separate entries for clothes, accessories, shoes and art. Y’all….

I’m also looking for stuff to show y’all that I want to have in order to embody myself when I feel more Butch or Masculine but shit is hard.

AND I’ll likely have the how to buy leggings on the internet post ready soon.

 

Fave Goth Stuff. The Broke Goth Edition.

Oh Brokeass Auntie, Patron Saint of Old Comfy Goths everywhere, WHERE do we buy Goth stuff?

So brace yourselves.

First up, let’s talk basics.

For me that means black stuff like tees, leggings, other shirts. First rule of Broke Goth club is that stuff is generally basic, is not stuff I pay big bucks for. I like to save my budget for the occasional higher end item but every day stuff no.

I’ll also roll some tips about leggings buying on Ebay.

So first lets talk about buying plain leggings.

Always look at your local drug store. I’ve seen regular and fleecy leggings from xxs-3/4X at Walgreens. Frequently they are 2 for 10$. Those are the store brand. Always check out the underpants area as well. Hanes and Leggs both make leggings and I’ve seen those on sale as well. If you shop at a store with loyalty cards save up enough cash back and snag some. You can never have too many pairs of plain or plainish leggings.

For a few more choices, check Walmart and Target. And always check the workout leggings for more interesting options. That said, don’t pay more than 15-20$ at the most because come on they are leggings.

Now I personally like to wear leggings in cooler weather both as pants (FIGHT ME) and under skirts and stuff.

My number one rule no matter what your aesthetic is, look EVERYWHERE. I am of the mind that if you have the cash, we all need basics all the time. Drawers, socks, hosiery, leggings, tees.

Let’s break for a minute and talk about aesthetics. Regardless of what flavor your Goth is, or what your aesthetics are for real, don’t be afraid to look for stuff everywhere. If you’re like me and have a Walmart budget, rock that walmart shit.

For us Broke Goths, I like to say spend my money on accessories or the occasional fancier dress or shoes. You get to pick.

Some folks might be saying, but but Shannon why don’t you just save up for ONE thing. Because I can’t wear just one thing. For those of us who don’t have instant laundry access or dry cleaning money, what are we going to cover our butts with?

While we’re talking spending, yeah I’m gonna be linking to fast fashion. Here’s the thing, not all of us are able to vote with our wallets. A lot of stores and manufacturers are problematic to pure evil, but you know what? I still need clothes I have access to.

Okay so let’s get with the links.

Don’t be afraid of Hot Topic. They have some great sales and if you sign up for the elist you can get coupons.Let’s look at some stuff I find versatile and comfylike:

Black Skull Mesh Leggings. I have a pair of these. The sizing is nice. I got a large and probably could have gone with a medium and been fine. They are super cute with a cardi, not super warm but comfy. Great price on sale right now.

If you have narrower hips/are a dude, check out these on sale skinny jeans. Super cute. Great price.

You get my drift. And remember to always check clearance, if things are stretchy you can always consider sizing down for a tighter fit.

Let’s go to Amazon.

How to search: Use my example and search with me.

Use Black A line skirt- TONS of results. I picked this skirt.  Note though, it doesn’t say so in the description this is probably an Asian size and the one size fits most is likely not going to work for me.Always check that. The generic size guides Amazon uses are not great. Also again this is a time where I say read ALL the reviews. Watch out for the ones where someone says I’m usually a size X and this was tiny/too big.

My magic combo for searching amazon, ebay, etc. are usually color, type of garment and then I can whittle my choices down from there.

You get my drift. In meatspace I have another super secret method. Say you really have your eye on a pair of pants from a store. Go to the store, find out if they have the size you want, try them on. Then go home and use the internets. Check ebay, amazon and the store site. Check for coupons.

In the past couple of years I’ve started collecting some gothy accessories after years of not wearing much in that way.

For cutesy cheap things, Ebay. Etsy. Search by keyword or material.

To wrap up, let me give you a little shopping list if I had H&M cash. This is the sort of thing I consider Gothable and wearable, especially if you have a casual job. Most of this stuff is thin, so layering would be essential, but this is what I like. These are totally affiliate links and I do get a few coins from clicks.

Silver pleated skirt– UGH I freaking love this so much. SHINY.

Short Jersey Dress– This would be great to wear with fleecy leggings, or interesting tights, a cardi and boots.

Fine knit Sweater- I have a similar sweater I got from Old Navy a couple of seasons ago. I LOVE this shape and layering. It’s thin, so I know I won’t sweat to death while I’m walking and if I layer right I won’t freeze either.

Cowl neck sweater– Normally I HATE anything close to my neck. But this looks so soft and comfy. I can picture it with my faux leather leggings, OTK boots, and some big chunky jewelry. YASSSSSS.

Fine knit Dress– Another one I love. I’d pair this with my stripey leggings, or some fleece tights and OTK socks and boots.

Plus size H&M+ Slim-fit Pants– I actually really like how the skinny cut pants from HM fit. The plus size ones are a bit too big in the booty for me. But the straight sizes work for me. So if you have a bit more booty in the pants these might do you right.

Plus size Knit Tunic- I think this would be dress length on me and I’m for it. I think it is really pretty. Again, I see boots, OTK socks, Leggings, fleece tights.

So the big lesson is, the Goth isn’t necessarily in the shop. Get in where you fit in. You don’t have to spend all your coin to be a Goth.

NOW. this was the practical version. This is what I actually do and where I actually shop.

Next time we’re gonna go full fantasyland and it’s gonna be awesome.

 

Old Goth Shoe Review-Dolly Bae Harlots Web Boots.

A few months ago I had a gift card to Dolls Kill and I spent a few weeks figuring out what I wanted. Pro-tip they are not average size and up folk friendly for clothing. A lot of their clothing is only stocked in small sizes and a lot of the supposed one size stuff doesn’t fit above a size 8.

That being what it is, I picked up the Dolly Bae Harlots Web boots while they were on clearance.

These caught my eye because of the clear compartment and little plastic spiders inside the platform. Also being that the platform isn’t solid I figured they’d be pretty light as well. I’ve worn these a few times and here we go.

First up the box. They arrived in a huge glossy box see below:

box

[Image description: shiny black box with the words “Dolly Bae” in white script on it.

The boots were very well packaged. Each was both stuffed with tissue paper and there was that thin foamy stuff taped around the platform so they wouldn’t scuff in transit. Excellent.

Packaging A++.

Now here is how the shoes look at my feet, for reference I wear a size 7m in women’s shoes.

ropahow

[Image description: Black lace up shoes with black embroidered spider webs on top.

Okay so the upper is real leather. The embroidery is very nice. The leather has a nice thick but not hard feel. It is already starting to loosen up nicely after a few wears and walking around.

The laces are your standard round laces. They are long enough that if you have wider or fatter feet you should be able to lace them comfortable. There is a large industrial style zipper up the back and here is where I knock a couple of points off. The zipper action is very hard. I will likely oil the zipper a little to try and ease the action. That said, I believe the zipper is going to be pretty durable.

The platform, y’all.

The specs: these have a 3″ platform that is hollow inside with a bunch of baby plastic black spiders in it. Now if you look at the photos it looks like there is a ton, but really there aren’t that many. The bottom of the platform has a nice sole. See here:

platform

[image description: Platform ankle boots showing a clear platform with black plastic spiders inside.

The spiders move around while you walk and make a little noise. If you are sensitive to small kinda scratchy noises you won’t like them.

This type of platform is pretty great if you don’t like to wear heels or are newer to higher platforms. Like any other platforms since you don’t feel your feet hit the ground they can take a bit of getting used to. And you’ll probably stumble at least once I have.

Overall- I would have actually paid full price for these. I feel like the construction is solid, the wear is comfy, there is even some arch support which a lot of Goth shoes don’t have. A-.

I also had my eye on these Demonia boots. But here’s the thing about Demonia as a brand. I’ve worn Demonia boots for a long, long time and the last pair I purchased in probably 2013 or so were not great. The last pair I bought was these and while they are cute as shit, the construction is a hot shitty pants mess. On the inside of the boot in the toe box there is a weird solid ridge of plastic that cuts into my toes.

My problem with Demonia has been iffy construction. I have another pair of Demonia boots that are probably 7 years old and are fantastic. Also for the tall boots the calf circumference can be small.

So if you’re gonna wear Demonia, do try them on first if you can.

Also FYI- I really can’t write about all of the current terrible news. I can’t. So posting round these parts is gonna be fluffy and shiny because I have to take care of my mental health.

#bodygoals #beautygoals and thangs.

I’ve been daydreaming pretty heavily lately about my end game in terms of body modification. Oh wait, you didn’t think this would be about waist trainers or some shit did you?

Nope.

If I was going to do any waist training it would be tight lace corsetry. But that’s a whole other entry.

SO.

Due to financial shit, my partner and I were unable to get our septums pierced for his birthday and I’m pretty bummed about that. I really want to finish up facial piercings in the next year or so. I want my septum and each nostril. For summary, of course.

I really like the idea of having an upside down triangle of shiny things in my face.

Beauty as I age involves a lot of thought about body modifcation. My ultimate dream is to be a heavily tattooed little old person someday. I’m talking pretty much a full bodysuit of tattoos, maybe a few implants and scarification. I’m talking serious.

I dream about being a Nazgul Alien Evil Queen.

Since I was a little baby potato, my dreams in terms of my own looks have always involved body modifications of one sort or another. My tattoo dreams (I have about 10 medium to smallish ones planned right now) are just, right now they feel out of reach because it is expensive. I’m hoping that I can get either a poetry/personal survival related piece on my right forearm or two small ones behind each ear soonish.

I’m working up to getting at least the spiritually meaningful ink first. Then the fun stuff.

One of the other things I’ve really thought a lot about is using accessories to help me feel beautiful in my gender/expression.

So since I’m currently putting bits of money aside for new fancy goth stuff let’s talk about stuff I want.

I want prescription sclera lenses. I actually really want to get my eyes tattooed and blacked out, but, that body mod isn’t totally a safe one and given how bad my vision is I feel like it would just fuck up my vision more. I’m also really into these.

The other thing I dream about is having custom grills. My favorite are this style. I want them fanged, top and bottom in the white gold.

The older and more comfortable I get in my body, the more I want to explore how I present myself to the world. I want to try out ways to make myself look alien or monstrous. The traditional or trendy ideas of beauty have really stopped being at all influential or important to me.

I don’t really do a lot with my eyebrows. Occasionally I shave or wax them into thin eyebrows but I’m terrible at drawing them on and filling them. I wish I was better at it so I could shave them off and have different ones daily. I really LOVE super artistic brows and it’s a skill I hope to attain.

While I’m on the countdown to 40 (I turn 40 next March) I’m so happy that my expression of my own beauty is becoming this weird thing where I screw around with make up and I’m not afraid not to do pretty, professional looking make up on myself. I spent a lot of time a few years ago feeling very unimpressed with my make up skills in spite of the hours of practice I put in.

These days, I’ll throw crap on my face until I feel cute and sometimes it works sometimes not. And I’m fine with it. I’m proud of it.

My engagement with beauty is strictly on my terms. This is possibly the greatest gift in terms of beauty I’ve ever given myself. Even more than taking time to learn to take care of my skin or hair.

In terms of my gender expression, I’ve settled on just being a non-binary femme alien nazgul monster queen. Like, that really does it for me. The gender thing we’ll talk more about.

There is something so joyful for me in  not beating myself up on any level about the zero fucks I give about what is age appropriate, normal, pretty or whatever.

So how about some peeks at what I’m into lately?

I’m really into the soft grunge look. That said, being that I’m not pale I have had a bit of a time figuring out how to make it work. Also the techniques. I got the technique down today, but I used an eyeshadow that’s too made on my skin. Also, for me, I want my skin close to flawless and beat. Almost every tutorial is done by/for White/pale people so I’ve had to improvise.

I’m getting back into dramatic ass super extra big ole winged liner. Big Wings. I’ve been experimenting with different liner formulas. I like my cat eye liner big and black. Or big and black on top color on bottom. My Old Goth standby.

What am I ready to get back into?

Experimenting with ways to look like a creepy, mostly dead doll type figure. Not sure how to get what I see in my head, I’m working on it.

Also big shiny lips. We’ll do a lip look post later on.

I’m finding myself ready to play with my looks again and it’s fantastic.

Lately I’ve been kinda plainish for my taste mainly because I’ve not had the energy so I’m working on it.

Wanna see my face?

Come follow me on Instagram. Most of my insta is selfies and I’m going to resume actually trying to get good make up shots.

The best part about this is that I’m living proof you are never too old or too anything to reframe how you think of beauty, both your own and other folks. You just have to try.

Next time we’re gonna talk about fashion and my concept of low key cosplay in every day life. Ways to invoke your faves without dropping legit cosplay money.

 

Fall Aesthetics- Gender Fluid Goth Feelings

It is officially Fall in my brain. The weather is cooling down and is grey and drizzly.

That means, Fall Aesthetics are happening.

Per usual since I am protective styling my hair, I changed it. I’m rocking some evil mermaid locks right now and I’m super into it. I’ll have a whole post about it soon.

newhair

[image description: photo of the author. Brown skinned person with black and burgundy long wavy hair]

So that’s the hair aesthetic right now. A little Evil Femme Mermaid.

NOW the clothes.

Fall and cooler weather means I have to wear more pants and weather resistant stuff. Can we talk about what I’m craving?

My ultimate Fall looks are lots of vampy make up (messy smokey eye, big dark lips) very Goth Femme and I like cardigans and if I’m wearing pants I prefer skinny cut jeans (but not denim if I can help it), straight cut twill pants and of course leggings.

How about some links? Some are affiliate some not:

For some masc/butch footwear can we talk about black on black Timberlands? They are pricy but I believe they are worth it. When I was in my early 20s I had some classic ones that lasted for probably six years with a lot of heavy wear. Pro tip if you have smaller feet like me, try looking at Kids Footlocker for big kid sizes. You save some cash and have a few extra finish types to choose from. The other great thing about this style of boot is that if you get the adult sizes usually the mens sizes, they are steel cap which is great.

Also, if you can’t afford Timbs, check places like Payless or Kmart for similar styles. Usually you can find them in the work boot area.

Next tip about pants.

For reference about my body. In pants I am usually a 13-15 in Jrs. In grown lady pants depending on the cut and brand I’m anywhere from a 10-14. I have big ass hams and not a lot of booty. I also loathe pants. I wear them because I don’t like my ass or cooch being cold but I hate pants. Mainly because a lot of pants tend to not fit my hips/low waist at the same time. Or my high natural waist and my hips at the same time.

My advice about pants, especially for gender fluid folks.

Find a style of ass covering that makes you feel good about your booty. Doesn’t matter if they are dude pants, lady pants, leggings, jeggings, whatever.

Now for me, let me show y’all some of what is on my wishlist.

First up I am actually wearing these right now:

These are (that is an amazon affiliate link) Jr sizing low rise straight leg twill pants.

Pros: these fit my big hams small booty self very well. The rise is a bit low but not unbearable. They are inexpensive and last pretty well. Comfy (the material softens up very nicely) and I like them. They are very easily modded. They are very plain so you can add patches or trim or whatever floats your boat.

Cons: They do stretch kind of weird. You will eventually need a belt especially if you sit a lot.They are not the quality that the dude Dickie’s usually are. The material is thinner and they will not look as good for long.

They also do come in plus sizes.

Tips for buying: I have not found them in stores so if you’re unsure, order two sizes and return what doesn’t fit. Also if you have more booty in the pants regardless of size this cut probably won’t do you any good.

I’ve got half a mind to give this style a shot as well. I like that slightly wide leg fit. That sort of cut always makes me feel a little more boy. 

 

When I’m feeling a bit less masc but I don’t feel like wearing a dress I’m super into printed leggings this year.

Behold my new favorite leggings.

hammy

[image description: a photo of crossed legs. The leggings have small light colored print]

Those are my Bloodmilk Knock off Hamlet leggings.

Okay, yes I know I bought knock offs. I’m awful and whatnot.

Real talk though. I cannot spend on a good day (they are in Australia so the prices are in AUD) like 60$ on leggings that will probably not fit me because Bloodmilk notoriously does not serve fatties.So yeah nope. Fuck those people.

My secret for the four pairs of printed leggings I’ve picked up has been ebay. Search for your print and make sure you read any feedback and reviews. Keywords you want to pay attention to in the sizing details. American vs Asian sizing. Asian sizing is going to almost always run quite a bit smaller.

Some leggings hacks, especially printed leggings.

If they are a bit too see through in the butt or crotch wear tunic length tops. If they are just a bit too small or they don’t go all the way up to your crotch, get some tight fitting undies like mens briefs and wear em super hero style with a long top.

If the waistband elastic is too tight, break that shit. Basically stretch it until you hear or feel it pop then stretch it a bit more.

If you are more crafty, you can replace too small elastic with something else stretchy to give yourself more space in the waist without sacrificing your print.

Now let’s talk about some other subtle ways to get your gender feels on without having to buy more stuff.

For me personally when I’m feeling a bit more Masc Femme, I tend to wear different jewelry. Still pretty femme but it feels good to me to wear my chunkier jewelry when I feel more masc and my  more delicate jewelry when I feel more Feminine Femme.

I’m still exploring more ways of expressing my gender and talking about it in a way that fits the type of fluidity I feel.

What else are my Fall aesthetics? Some beauty stuff okay?

VAMPY LIPS Y’ALL.

I’ve been wearing the HELL out of this J.Cat Beauty Lip paint stuff in Queen of Hearts. It is a tad bit messy and if you have any dry skin around your mouth this will be an issue. It is really full coverage and I find that playing with blotting can totally change how the product looks on your lips. Super worth it

I’m also super into Nyx lippies. Y’all they have a TON of finishes, colors, opacities etc to choose from and they are fairly inexpensive so you can get to experiment without busting the bank. Currently I’m super obsessed with the Butter Glosses. I think at last count I have six of them and I LOVE them. Pro tip: they are frequently on sale at drug stores and Ulta for great deals like I picked up some that were buy two Nyx products get one free.

I’m still on the hunt for a new coat to wear between now and actual cold weather. I am super picky and have a terrible wool allergy so that struggle is super real.

Next time, I’ll probably blog some about more gender feels, some new skin care stuff I’m playing with and my urge to Vlog.

Later taters.

Gender Feels are Upon Me

If you didn’t know already, I am not a cis person. Read about it here.

I’ve been thinking about the gender indicators in my life/aesthetics. I have some more non-fiction in the works about this stuff, and that the best way to describe my gender is Femme. If you want to know about Queer Femme sorts, start here this is pretty great.

When I was lil baby Femme, normally when I felt more like FemmeBoi I would break out my (note most clothes, stuff will be affiliate links) bondage pants, saggy jeans, the occasional snapback and I usually would cut all my hair off. I kind of hated that but kind of loved it.

Looking back, a lot of my gender presentation was based on what I thought was masculine. Boots, oxfords, I wore a lot of oxfords. Trousers if I wasn’t wearing bondage pants. Mens clothes.

Now that I’m older, I realize that masculinity is not one size fit all. So what do I do now?

I’ve been in the long process of unfucking my wardrobe, mainly in figuring out what fits what doesn’t and getting rid of some truly raggedy shit.

If you’ve been here for a minute you know I’m an Aging Goth, I hate wearing pants, I’m not a fan of non stretchy waistbands. My style is pretty Femme. Lately all I want in the world are printed leggings, skater dresses, skater skirts, boots (UGH if those weren’t Demonia I’d buy them  next I love them so much, I’ll make a post about Demona later), tall socks and maybe some big ole ratty sweaters.

So what/how am I altering my gender expression to match my mood?

These days it is still boots but instead of trousers I wear leggings. Or if I’m feeling it, I might wear my only slightly trusty Dickies. And my very worn trusty old Docs. The short ones.  I also tend to wear more masculine scents. Yes, I KNOW scentless but doing that makes me super unhappy and I try not to douse myself. Honest.

The funniest thing to me about my gender expression and style is that it’s fairly genderless at this point. Mainly my gender expression has turned into aesthetic goals.

These include:

  • Looking like an anime villain.
  • Low key cosplay.
  • Regal Goth Prince
  • Kinda butchy Domme in business/sex wear. (Don’t ask I dunno yet)
  • Alien Nazgul Queen (Queen as in Queer not monarch)

What else is in my dream aesthetic? Sex and danger. A little androgyny. Fully beat face, with some masculine swagger. Because I can do that. That is what my body does naturally depending on what gender feels I’m having at any one time.

Later in life when I’ve got the cash I will continue with my body mods as well. We’ll talk about that in another post.

Basically, I want my outside decoration to entirely flow with the tide of my feelings. It will be hard, but I believe in myself.

That’s all for now.

 

 

 

House of Weirdos.

Content Warning this is the first and only one.

There may likely be links in this post that you find creepy, disgusting, might give you nightmares. Continue this at your own peril.

No, I’m not showing anything, uh, terrible.

We’re gonna talk about how I dream about decorating my home and what I’m doing now.

Ahem.

Now I don’t have a lot of decoration happening in my apartment right now mainly because I had zero intention of living there as long as I have. I thought we’d have moved into someplace nicer by now but whatever.

What I have is a shelf full of skulls and a few other items.

Thing is, my aesthetic for home is mostly comprised of:

  • OH BONES!
  • TEETH!
  • WET SPECIMAN TAXIDERMY!
  • OMG FETAL TWO FACED PIGLET!
  • SHINY!
  • TREASURE BOXES!
  • VINTAGE BOOKS (SOME PORN, SOME SF/F)
  • OH CREEPY GIMME!

One of the problems I have with decoration is that I don’t even have furniture. I don’t know how to buy furniture. I’m almost 40 and the only brand new furniture I’ve ever had is my bed (that is in the worst kind of need to be replaced) and computer desks/equipment. It’s such a huge investment I dunno.

That said, I do fantasize and let me show you some of what I fantasize about. Let’s start slightly sedate with couches and shit.

I LOVE the aesthetics of Victorian style furniture, but it never looks comfortable.

Also shit like this, unf. In black, I mean COME ON. If I had a formal living room, this would be the shit.

I really like this and think I could chill out on it. Black, dark grey, those are my colors.

I want lots of dark, comfortable things. I want dark wood bookshelves because I own a fuckton of books.

Now for the decor?

Y’all.

I want things like this little fetal pig wet specimen piece. I mean..look it is SO fucking cute.

Also, I’d like to restart my collection of mounted bugs and stuff. I mean LOOK at this gorgeous giant scarab.

I want art. I’m SO into so many artists I just want art. I want to buy paintings and do things like commission an oil painting of Pyramid Head. I want full articulated skeletons. I want a taxidermied baby deer.

Recently I’ve discovered arty taxidermy. This artist, who does great gory/horror looking pieces. I also have a terrible love of sideshow/freakshow gaffs. I would LOVE an alligator boy.

What is always funny to me when I start thinking about these things is that really I don’t need all that. I’ve never had it or lived someplace where I have felt like I could put couches and art in it and feel like it is really home. I know that’s depressing as shit but that’s what it is.

It has been only in the last couple of years that I’ve even tried to think about what home actually might look and feel like to me. I’ve written about it a bit over here at Medium.

Lately, I’ve been sticking to the little things. My partner bought me an over the toilet shelving unit for my bathroom and I’ve gotten my vanity together. I have a shelf full of replica human skulls, a few shiny boxes. A giant Halloween decorative foam skull I attached fairy wings to.

I have faith I’ll figure it out.

But in the meantime, I will dream about an office full of bones, horror memorbilia, yarn, and other weird shit.