Adventures in Aging- Perimenopause and Meeting Crushing Fatigue

I wrote a little essay about my adventures in Perimenopause. You can check it out on Medium here.

So this will be a new feature here.

First, what is perimenopause?

This is what my browser says:



  1. the period of a woman’s life shortly before the occurrence of the menopause.

Um shortly, that is some bullshit. This can last from 5-15 years.

Currently I think I’m about in full year two or so.


Can we talk about the symptom they call crushing fatigue?

For the background, I’ve had sleep disorders for my entire life. I’m talking from toddlerhood on up. I’ve dabbled in about everything to help:

Things I have tried:

  • Drugs- legal and not
  • Herbs- legal and not
  • Sleep hygiene. 
  • Yoga
  • No screens/sensory input for various times before bed.
  • Giving up caffeine/any stimulant
  • White noise
  • No noise
  • Ear plugs
  • Eye masks
  • Exercising up to 3-4 hours a day and/or 2 times a day.
  • Masturbation
  • Intermittent fasting
  • Juice “cleanse”
  • Vegan diet
  • Raw diet
  • Weight loss
  • Long walks
  • Meditation
  • Alcohol
  • No alcohol
  • Not eating before bed
  • Eating before bed…

So yeah. Pretty much all the things. At worst I walk around sleep deprived enough that it would be extremely unsafe for me to drive if I did, and everything is awful. Frankly, I’m kind of used to that and I can function. It’s not always great and when things are extra special bad, my hands shake and I’m pukey and crazy.

In my research when I first saw the crashing/crushing fatigue symptom I was like, oh bitch please I got this.


My reproductive system was like:


Image of Katt Williams looking disgusted, text reads “When someone says something stupid” on top. On the bottom it says, “Bitch what?”


I’ve been tired. I’ve been hospitalized for exhaustion. I’ve walked (and worked) while hallucinating due to exhaustion.

I have never felt like this in my fucking life.

Some days, getting out of bed is a battle. Riding the bus, I feel like I might nod out like a junkie. I am just, so fucking exhausted.

It’s the brain fog and the body feeling like I went ten rounds with somebody.

I’m doing what I can but damn y’all.

I’m trying to do shit and my brain is like:


Photo of burning tires.

My brain is a burning tire fire.

Thus the blogging is a bit slow because I really only have the stamina for a few things.

Y’all shit is not cute.

That said. I’m dealing with other stuff fairly okay. My skin has changed and I’m working with it. I’ll make a post about that later.

I’ve started the occasional bonus periods. Spotting. Bloating, y’all the fucking random bloating. It’s a good thing I already prefer a good stretchy waistband cause shit is real.

I’ve been experimenting with my nutrition and whatnot as well. So I’m doing stuff, I don’t want to do hormone therapy.

There will be more adventures in aging posts. The next time it’ll likely be a skin post since my skin has been doing the absolute most.




Thoughts on Health and Money and Shit.


Most of the shit I take.

Behold an arty shot of my health woo.

Lately, add in an allergy pill and add in a calmag powder and usual nighttime otc pain relief and you have a large amount of what I spend my money on.

I know I can see some of y’all rolling your eyes and whipping out one or another study that says that vitamins and supplements and anything not X thing is bullshit or you might wander off having lost all respect because, OMG WOOWOO.

I have been a lover of the vitamin for a long time. Over the years I’ve experimented and whatnot and what you see there in my palm is what feels best to me. Over the years I’ve been on various meds for things, I’ve radically changed my diet from time to time, I’ve lost weight, gained it back etc all in search of Health.

For years I believed that if I only tried hard enough, that if I stumbled on the right combination of Unicorn Piss Smoothies, proper sleep hygiene, and the perfect BMI that I would in fact be Healthy.

What I didn’t think about is the fact that my body, this poor much abused body has some specific things that don’t function well on it/in it and well, that’s just how it is. I have one kidney that isn’t bad exactly, but it doesn’t function all that great. I have a weak immune system. I was born very premature and that’s one of the things that never worked itself out. I have a glittery assortment of some sleep disorders, joint problems from untreated injuries. My feet are made in a way that sometimes makes walking kind of painful.

This body, my body is a bit of a trashbucket of shit that doesn’t work right.

Part of me figuring out my health woo has involved digging deep into my own internalized ableism. It’s another case where I told myself ALL the things I would never think or say to other folks. Days when I’ve not had quality sleep in weeks, I spent a lot of time with the most bullshit internal dialogues.

At one point in my life, I bought the idea that the solution to ALL my problems was fitness. Enough exercise and I would overcome my somehow self imposed health problems that have been with me since childhood. I exercised and saw no change so I exercised more. I used to exercise to punish myself for having a body that did not function the way I thought it was supposed to.

To this day, sometimes I go by the stairs, I used to run and shudder. I did the thing, the DO IT DO IT DO IT thing, I remember falling halfway up those stairs because my knees were in such bad condition I shouldn’t have been doing that. And I did it anyway. I lifted a lot of weights, I did all the things and my health took a steady downturn.

Then I went vegan for a while. Also to disastrous results. My diet was on paper beautiful. Dreamy even. However, it did not agree with my particular body and I started losing my hair. I started taking vitamins and experimenting with supplements back then out of sheer desperation.

During my first foray into vitamins, I had a moment of clarity. A come to Jesus talk with myself about my internalized ableism and I started to examine how the binarist view of Health as being you have it or don’t is damaging.

Holy shit. I’m not saying that when I started to really investigate the function of that idea in my life and how detrimental it was to me changed my life, but I’m gonna say it changed my life.

Health, capital H Health is often presented as the most moral thing. That if X person can do a thing, you should be able to do the thing as well and if you don’t, can’t or just don’t want to there is something wrong with you. You’ve let yourself down. You’re afraid of commitment or whatever the going jargon is now.

But what about health?

Health as in, taking stock of what you’re working with and doing what you can do with it? What if health in that context isn’t about it being moral, or competitive or as some sort of duty to prove something? What if you just want to feel as good as you personally can feel at any one time?

Back to my vitamin woo for a minute.

All my research and testing on myself with various vitamins and things was a start to me developing a less adversarial hate based relationship with my own health.

All this said, while I’m not the most woo person ever, this is my woo and it helps.

I like my vitamins and supplements, my experiments with medicinal teas and herbs.

When I get all restocked, I’ll probably do some posts about my woo. My current line up of things that are great. Why I take certain things, I’ll wax poetic about my witchy herbs and shit.

If this woo is not woo you approve of, feel free to skip these posts. I really don’t want to be lectured about my woo. Seriously. Don’t.